A DREAM IS A WISH YOUR HEART MAKES
As Kate watched the scene unfold out the storm door, she grew infuriated, ashamed of the men outside, acting like children, her husband included. The moment Winn left the driveway, the yelling continued and Kate had enough.
She walked out the door, marched down the porch steps, and right into the trio's verbal line of fire. "Hey!" She barked. "You should be ashamed of yourselves! All of you!"
The three brothers fell silent and Zac stepped backward in defense. "Hey, I'm not in--"
"You, included," she spat. Then she looked at all three of them. "You've run that poor girl off. All of you."
"I wasn't even present--" Taylor started.
"She left because you were screaming at each other, you idiot. She was on the back porch, she heard every bit of it!"
"Exactly what did she hear?" Isaac asked warily.
"I don't know," she snapped. "But now it's barely nine o'clock and her holiday is ruined. She has nobody here. No family, no nothing, and you three stooges just screwed her out of what little bit she had left. And now she's gonna spend her holiday alone."
"That's not exactly true..." Taylor said.
Kate widened her eyes at him. "What, you think she's gonna want to see YOU? She doesn't want anything to do with either of you. Congratulations."
"Look, I gotta go..." Taylor said.
"No," she snapped. "None of you are going anywhere. You're going to come in, play nice, act normal, and you are NOT going to ruin my children's Christmases. You got it?"
The three men fidgeted guiltily and then reluctantly filed back into the house.
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Winn wasted no time changing into her pajamas when she got home. She put her cookie in the freezer, stuck her card on the refrigerator, turned off the lights, and lit up her tree. She curled up on her couch with her throw blanket and pillow and decided that now would be a good time for a cat.
Everyone wanted to take so much pity on her for being alone on Christmas, but after a night like tonight, who wouldn't want to be alone? Who wouldn't want to enjoy the quiet, peaceful, drama-free solitude? Winn was fine with it.
As she watched the cartoon Christmas movie on TV, she popped Christmas chocolates into her mouth and sipped on cold soda. It wasn't dinner, and it wasn't healthy, but it was her life and her holiday and she could do whatever she wanted.
She had been home a little over an hour when there was a knock on her front door. Her hackles rose and she grew nervous since she hadn't heard anyone pull up, nor had the room lit up with shining headlights.
She muted the TV and the knock came again. Her heart pounded with fear.
Then Taylor's voice came muffled through the door. "Winn, open the door, it's starting to rain."
Scowling at the muted TV, she flipped on the porch light and flung the door open. "What is it with you Hanson guys and just showing up out of nowhere? You scared the crap out of me, doesn't anyone ever call ahead anymore?"
"I did call. And I texted."
"You did not, I got neither."
He reached into his pocket and offered her cell phone to her. "You left this at my Mom's."
Curling her lip up at her own mistake, she snatched her phone out of Taylor's hand. "Now, let me in, it's raining," he said.
Feeling only slightly guilty, she stepped out of the way and watched incredulously as he lifted a large duffle bag off the porch and carried it inside with him. She closed the door behind him and locked it and she looked him over in the dark room. "What is this?"
"Face it," he said, matter-of-factly. "Going to bed alone on Christmas is fucking depressing."
Her eyes widened. "Excuse me?"
He peeked over her shoulder and smiled. "Looks like you've already taken over my bed, though." Then he looked at her and his expression grew serious again. "Just let me stay. I miss you."
She looked him over and she found herself nodding automatically. "Okay," she said thoughtfully. "Yeah, uh, okay. But I'm eating and drinking crap and watching cartoons. My heat's jacked up sky high and I like it that way. I'm only going to bed whenever I get sleepy and that could be hours, maybe even all night. And when I do go to sleep on Christmas Eve, I--um--well, sometimes I wake up several times and open the front door just to see if it snowed. Okay? So...so...you might not sleep well tonight. I'm just warning you."
He smiled and shook his head. "I've never minded your...your little house routines. It's your house. Do whatever you want."
"Well. I'm just saying..."
"Fine by me."
"Uh, well. Fine."
With that, Winn curled back up in her spot on the couch and turned the sound back up on the TV. Then she looked up at him. "Oh. And don't make me sit here and look at you in your shoes and your jeans and your jacket. It looks so uncomfortable, I hate it."
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Taylor stood there in the dark room for a minute, save for the TV and the tree lights, and he shook his head. Running a hand through his hair, he muttered, "Okay..." And then he picked up his bag and carried it into the bathroom with him.
He changed his clothes and looked in the mirror. What the hell was he doing? What were they, twelve again or something? They were thirty years old and he'd just changed into his pajamas for a sleepover. It wasn't like this was the first time or anything. But still. Did adults do this?
He decided he didn't care. He was kind of into it. And he would never admit that to anyone but Winn. And that was why he was addicted to her, and why he wanted to be around her all the time. Because she made him feel unashamed of the sides of him that society would otherwise shame him for. She let him be himself.
He walked out of the bathroom, set his bag down in a corner of the living room, and then helped himself to her kitchen. He knew where everything was and she didn't bat an eyelash at him as he grabbed his own soda can from the refrigerator and then scoured her cabinets till his eyes landed on the prize. "Yes," he said under his breath. "I KNEW you would have these..."
He carried his soda can and the bag of shortbread cookies into the living room and made himself comfortable on the other end of her couch, draping what was left of Winn's throw blanket over his knees.
"You might not like those," Winn said, barely glancing at him. "They're, like, super cheap, off-brand--"
"I love these. I buy them all the time."
She side-glanced at him. "You're lying."
"Nope. Totally serious."
Then she shook her head and she turned her attention back to the TV.
They munched quietly for a few minutes, mindlessly watching the green cartoon character in the Santa suit slithering across the screen when, finally, Taylor had enough. He nudged her leg firmly with his foot. "Hey," he said. "You gonna talk about it or not?"
"No," she retorted firmly.
"Why?"
"Nothing to say. And I'm watching this."
"Please, you could probably recite this in your sleep."
"So?"
"Fine. I'll talk. I wasn't in the room for the initial...incident...but I heard about it after the fact."
"And then you had an all-out brawl in your mom's front yard."
"Well, we didn't hit each other..."
"Might as well have."
"Winn, she's a kid. Ike shouldn't have taken her so--"
"You should have seen her, Tay. It was like the world was ending. She--she has this idea or something..."
"She's just a kid," he said.
Winn looked over at him. "Kids are people, too." Then she looked down and started to pick at her blanket. "You should have seen Ike's face. I know he thinks the worst. It was so obvious. He's pissed off at me and I didn't even--I mean...oh god..."
"What?"
"Right before that he offered me his apartment key."
Taylor sat back against the arm of the sofa and studied her. This was a surprise. "Uh, well, uh..."
"He had it wrapped in red paper, like a present." Then she scoffed lightly. "Matched his tie. Anyway I kinda--I kinda freaked out. Because it's too soon. It's really too soon, Tay, we're nowhere near close to that point and--and then Junia said what she said and I think he thinks something that's...not...and I don't know how to convince him otherwise."
"Don't worry about him," Taylor said.
"Yeah, right."
"I'm serious. He over-reacted, he got...some things out outside, I think. You're fine. Don't worry about it. It has nothing to do with you."
"Are you serious? It has everything to do with me--"
"Look, Winn, you're not the only one feeling pressure here, okay?"
Taylor regretted being so firm with her, but he really didn't feel like spending his Christmas trying to play matchmaker between her and his brother. So he changed the subject by tossing the blanket off of him and getting up from the couch.
"Where are you going?" Winn asked.
"It's Christmas," Taylor replied simply as he walked over to his duffle bag and began to unzip it.
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Winn tried not to pay attention to what Taylor was doing. The truth was, she didn't really understand why she was being so short with him. Oh, wait. Yes, she did. Because he acted like an idiot with his brothers in the yard over an incident he hadn't even been present for. However, it wasn't like she heard any of the words they actually said. Except for "Winn." And "unfair." And "selfish." She felt guilty about it. Terribly guilty.
She tried not to pay attention to the medium-sized box he pulled from the duffel and she definitely didn't follow him with her eyes as he took a seat on the floor next to the tree and drummed his fingers on the wrapped box.
Except that she did, and now curiosity was killing her.
"What are you doing?" She finally asked him.
He smiled at her. "It's midnight. It's Christmas."
"We still have half an hour."
"Ah, what's half an hour?
"It's not Christmas until you wake up."
"I'm awake." Then he smiled and he nodded toward the tree. "Come on."
She looked at him for a moment in thought and then her heart warmed and she smiled and made herself comfortable as she crossed her legs underneath her and sat across from him in the floor. He pushed the box across the carpet toward her and then he stopped. "Your real gift isn't until tomorrow," he said. "This is just a little something to tide you over."
"Tay," she said, touched. "You didn't have to do anything..."
"I wanted to. Merry Christmas."
She hesitated before she opened it and after Taylor urged her one more time, she carefully tore the paper from the cardboard box and opened the box up.
"Do you need more light?" He asked her.
She shook her head and smiled as she gazed into the box. "No, thank you. What is all this?" She reached in and swam her hand through a sea of supplies: markers, pencils, scissors, glue...
"Well, the first time you ever invited me over, you wanted me to take pictures so you could start scrapbooking. I haven't heard you talk about it or anything so I assumed maybe you hadn't started it yet. So...there's sort of a scrapbooking starter kit in there." Then he smiled again and nodded at the box. "Keep digging."
Her heart was already heavy with emotion but she did as instructed anyway, until her hand found the book. She pulled the book off of the bottom, the pages empty, and then she pulled the large envelope out from between the pages. Laying the book gently back down into the box, she looked up at Taylor. "Are these--?"
"Open it."
As she carefully opened up the top of the manila envelope, he gently slid the box to the side and scooted closer to her. She pulled out pictures of different sizes, some black and white and some color, and she was amazed at the quality of them. "These are all the ones you took that day?"
He nodded. "Yeah. And, uh, maybe a few from other occasions that I may have snuck in there."
Tears sprang to her eyes when she came across one particular one, taken in her backyard that first day he'd come over. It was one he'd taken of themselves. Just a quick selfie, nothing major. But they looked so happy and she remembered the moment like it was yesterday. They had just started forming their friendship then and now so much had happened since. She cherished the simple times with him.
She looked up at him. "Tay," she said, her voice cracking without warning. "Thank you so much. You don't know what this means to me."
He smiled at her warmly. "I just want to see the finished product."
"You could help me," she offered.
He shook his head. "No. This is all you."
She smiled at him and then she paused, clearing her throat before the tears fell and snapping herself back to reality. She smiled and she placed everything back in her box. "I have something for you, too."
"Winn, no--"
"Two somethings, actually." She leaned over into the back of the tree and she pulled out two boxes, one smaller than the other. "I don't know if you have one of these or not. And if you do, we can totally send it back and get you something else." Then she proudly shoved the bigger box at him.
"You really didn't have to do this," he smiled at her as he tore the corners of the paper.
"I wanted to," she said, repeating his words from minutes before.
Eagerly, biting her lip and craning her neck, she watched him unwrap it. She watched the mile-wide grin spread across his face and he looked up at her, resting his arm across the box. "Okay. Before I get my hopes up, is it what's actually on the box?"
Winn nodded excitedly. "Yep. Do you have one?"
"No," he said, opening his Homestar Pro the rest of the way. "No, I've actually been meaning to get one, though..."
"Well, now you have one," she said cheerfully. Then her eyes lit up and she grabbed the smaller gift and sat it on top of his new planetarium box. "Here here here! Now do this one."
"Winn," he chuckled. "Seriously..."
"Just open it!" She squeaked.
She watched him as he opened it, his brow furrowing curiously at the egg-shaped product in the picture on the box. "What, um, what's--"
"It's a mini one," she said. "A mini planetarium, I mean. It takes batteries. It still does some of the same stuff as the regular ones, except you can pack that one and take it with you."
His eyes darted up and he blinked at her.
She shrugged meekly. "You know...so that whenever you have to travel you can take it with you and...I dunno...maybe sometimes you'll want to call me and we can both look at our planetariums together...if you want to..."
He stared across at her, searching her eyes. His eyes on her started to make her feel uncomfortable and she glanced at the floor and tucked her hair behind her ear. Finally, he whispered, "This is the best gift I've ever been given."
Winn shrugged and smirked. "It's just a nerdy toy, really..."
"No. It's more than that."
"So...you like it? You don't think it's hokey?"
"I love it. And I love--uh, this mini one. It's perfect, it's--yeah, I'm definitely taking it on the road with me."
She smiled again. "Really?"
"Yeah. It'll be the first thing I pack when we leave."
Winn's breath caught momentarily. "You, uh, you say that like that might be coming up soon."
"Uh, yeah," he said nervously. "Yeah, we're, uh, headed overseas in March..."
"Oh...overseas..."
"Yeah. We'll only be gone for about a month or so. Then we're coming back here...doing some more touring..."
"You're gonna be touring a majority of this coming year..."
"Well, I don't know about a majority, but a few months, yeah."
"I had no idea..."
"We're still nailing down some dates..."
"Oh."
"It'll fly by..."
Winn nodded in response.
"Hey," he said. "What's that I see back there?"
Winn was alerted back to the preset. "Huh?"
"Back there, in the back."
Winn leaned forward and looked under the tree and then she smiled. "Oh. Oh, wow, I almost forgot that. That's my Snowed In CD case."
"Oh yeah," he smiled.
"And it's Christmas..."
"So, it is."
Excitedly, perhaps a little more excited than she should have been, she opened the CD case and took out the booklet, flipping to the first page, which was mostly white. She'd been dying to read what he'd written in there Thanksgiving night.
"To Winn's 13-year-old heart--
Thank you so much for your support and dedication. You rock!
Love, Taylor Hanson
To Winn's 30-year-old soul--
I can't believe I never knew you were out there until you spilled coffee all over me. That was my fault, I know, but looking back, it was the best mistake I ever made. You have no idea how much brighter my life has become since you entered it and I definitely don't look at stars the same way anymore. You've become my best friend, my soul mate, and someone I look forward to being close to for the rest of my life. Thank you for the continued support and thank you for just being you.
Love, T"
Winn sniffed and wiped her eye before she even realized she'd been crying. He'd written this before anything had gotten complicated. Before the company Christmas party, before their fight, before the studio...before everything, when their friendship was still innocent.
She put the booklet carefully back into the case and she laid it back under the tree. Then she looked up at Taylor, leaned forward and wrapped her arms around his neck. "Thank you," she whispered into his ear. "I know this sounds stupid, but you kinda fulfilled a silly, teenaged dream for me."
Taylor was silent for a moment. And then, as she pulled away from him, he caught her as he turned his face into hers. "Winn," he said, quietly. "I haven't had a drop of alcohol in several hours. And I'm having a hard time resisting the urge to kiss you right now."
She pulled away and looked at him. "Um, I think--I think you may just be caught up in the moment right now. I mean, it's dark and the tree's lit...and Dean Martin's on TV over there begging me not to leave..."
"We've never tried it sober."
"Being sober can be detrimental to our friendship. I think that's why we've never tried."
"You don't think it's worth the risk?"
"I don't want to lose you."
"Maybe you're right. But you just look so beautiful under this light right now."
"Tay..."
"We may be friends, but I can't deny what's true."
Her eyes widened and her heart pounded. "What's true?"
"That you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. And I can't deny that I've often wondered what it would be like to kiss you--without the influence of alcohol."
Winn swallowed hard. She, herself, couldn't deny that she wondered the very same. "At least alcohol--we had a crutch--"
"An excuse..."
"Things have already gotten awkward twice..."
He furrowed his brow in realization. "Those were the worst times of my life."
"Is this bad?"
"Is what bad?"
"That we're willing to kiss each other."
"Didn't realize the feeling was mutual."
"I think I'm caught up in the moment, too."
"Then how is it bad?"
"Because I don't want to wake up tomorrow and realize that we've made a mistake. I don't want to spend my Christmas missing you."
"I've never valued a relationship as much as I value our friendship," he said.
"It's a few minutes till midnight."
"I know. It's almost Christmas."
She looked at him in concentration for a moment before her eyes lit up. "Wait right here."
"Where are you going?" He asked as she stood up.
"Just wait, I'll be right back."
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Taylor was a nervous wreck. He had no idea where the sudden boldness had come from but he was already feeling regretful at his suggestion of kissing her. He kinda figured she'd shoot the idea down. But then she said she felt the same way, so...he just knew. He knew that once she kissed him--for real--that she would realize they were meant to be. There was no way that his much love could be one-sided.
Because that's what it was. It was the truth. He loved her. But he'd told her the truth when he'd told her how much their friendship meant to him. He wouldn't dare put himself at risk of being without her. No matter how painful it was. He would rather endure the pain than not have her at all.
She returned with her planetarium and he had to smile. "We could have just taken mine for a test run," he joked.
"Yeah, but mine's already set up."
Swiftly, she unplugged the tree, plugged in the planetarium, flipped on the switch, and changed the discs. She cat cross-legged across from him and set the planetarium on the floor in between them.
"What are you doing?" He asked her as the shooting stars flew across the ceiling above them.
She smiled at him. "It's a few minutes till midnight. We have to make our Christmas wishes."
"Christmas wishes?"
"Well, I know they're fake stars, but Santa Claus isn't real, either, and he still manages to make an impression."
Taylor shook his head and laughed. "I just love you, you know that?" Then he caught himself. "As a friend. You know."
She beamed at him. "I know." Then she looked up at the ceiling. "Now, hurry. Clock's ticking."
The pair stared up at the ceiling for a moment before Winn broke the silence. "Tay. Guess what?" She grinned at him. "It's Christmas."
He smiled back at her. "Merry Christmas," he said quietly.
"Did you make you wish?"
"Yeah."
"What did you wish for?"
He looked at her and he swallowed hard. "Our friendship."
She smiled. "Me, too."
"And, uh, it's already come true."
He didn't dare utter a word about the second wish he made.
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A few hours later, on the couch, Taylor's eyes snapped open and he stared at the soft red glow on the ceiling that reflected from the lights on the Christmas tree. He was surprised he even managed to fall asleep at all. He was glad he had woken up, though, because the dream he was having was certainly not healthy for his current situation. He dreamed of her. Of her long, red hair, her flawless skin, her long legs...life was even unbearable in his dreams. How in the hell he actually managed to live it was a miracle all on its own.
He narrowed his eyes at the sound of the music he thought he heard. Straining his ears for a moment, he couldn't help but smile at the soft sound of Christmas music that flowed from Winn's bedroom. Curiosity getting the better of him, he stood from the couch and made his way carefully from the living room, through the kitchen, and peeked his head around the doorway to her bedroom.
He smiled and leaned in the doorway, pushing up his sleeves and crossing his arms over his chest. As Nat King Cole serenaded her with The Christmas Song from her phone, she sat cross-legged in her bed and stared up at the shooting stars that shot across the night sky on her ceiling. Across the room, a small Christmas tree with colored lights provided an extra special glow in the room.
"What are you doing awake?" He asked quietly, amused.
She looked from the ceiling and over at him, seemingly unsurprised by his presence. "Cinderella said it best. A dream is a wish your heart makes."
"You had a dream?" He guessed.
"Yeah."
"And now you're wishing?"
"Yep."
"What did you dream about?"
"It's personal."
"And you can't tell me?"
She shook her head and widened her eyes in annoyance. "No. It's personal. Like I said." Then her face calmed again. "What are you doing awake?"
"I had a dream, too."
She glanced at the ceiling and then back at him. "You wanna wish on it?"
"I wished it before I dreamed it. It's a recurring dream."
Her face fell. "Oh. Um, okay...not really sure what the rules on that are..."
"Hopefully it means the wish will come true soon."
"And if it doesn't?"
"Then at least it did in my dream. And I'm okay with that."
"I had a nightmare," she volunteered.
"And you're wishing on it?"
"I dreamed that you were gone. And now I'm wishing that it never comes true."
A warm smile crept across Taylor's face. "Well, THAT wish came true before you even wished it. I'm not going anywhere."
She looked at him, her expression still serious. "Didn't stop me from dreaming it, though."
He narrowed his eyes at her. "So...if a dream is a wish your heart makes...and you dreamed I was gone...does that mean that maybe deep down you want rid of me?"
She looked at him, matter-of-fact. "Things were good before you left. I wished for the good parts."
"Ah," he nodded. "Makes sense."
"Of course it does. Why would I want you gone?" Suddenly, her eyes lit up and a smile shined bright from her face as Elvis began to sing about a blue Christmas. "You wanna come listen?" She asked. "They're playing all my favorites tonight."
"The old stuff," he observed.
"Apparently so. It's great, isn't it?"
She patted the bed beside her and he couldn't resist. He remembered the first time she ever invited him to her bed and turned on the planetarium. He thought he would burst from the nerves. This time, though, crawling in bed with her was as natural as waking up in the morning.
As he crawled in the bed, he sat beside her and tucked his legs under the covers. "He's right, you know," Winn said to Taylor. "I'd have a blue Christmas if you weren't here."
Taylor smiled and lifted his arm as she tucked herself underneath it. His arm wrapped around her shoulders as she curled herself into a ball against his torso and rested her head against his shoulder. "It'd almost be worth spending Christmas alone to get a look at some of that blue snow he's talking about," he joked. Winn playfully hit the first place she could reach, which happened to be his knee, which made his leg kick. He laughed and he reached over and pinched her lightly in the gut, making her squirm. "Dammit, Winn, stop hitting me there."
She laughed and slapped his hand away. "I think it's becoming a reflex now. Your knee must have some kind of magnet in it or something, my hand just seems to gravitate there. I think it calls to me. 'Winn! Winn! Please, hit me!' You have masochistic knees."
He continued to laugh as he shook his head. "You're a fucking lunatic."
"But I'm fun."
"That, you are," he agreed.
They calmed their laughing and were quiet for a moment before Winn said, "So what would you be doing if you weren't here? What am I keeping you from?"
"You're not keeping me from anything. I'd, uh, I'd probably sleep late. Answer a bunch of texts, one of them being Mom inviting me for dinner. I'd regretfully turn it down..."
"You don't go to dinner with your mom?"
"I see them on Christmas Eve. Anyway, I usually just kinda lounge around the house, take a few gifts to Zac's kids, and then come home and call it a day."
"That's no fun."
"It's a welcome break."
"For the past couple of years I would go sleep at my brother's house so I could wake up with his kids on Christmas morning. Waking up alone on Christmas morning is depressing."
They were quiet for a moment, listening to the song on her phone end and then go to commercial. When Bing Crosby began to dream of a white Christmas, Taylor squeezed Winn's shoulder a little tighter. "Tell me what you dreamed, Cinderella," he found himself saying quietly. "Tell me all your dreams."
Winn took his free hand and turned it over, palm up. As she traced the lines with her finger, she sang in a soft whisper:
"A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you're fast asleep
In dreams you lose your heartaches
Whatever you wish for you keep
Have faith in your dreams and someday
Your rainbow will come smiling through
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
That dream that you wish will come true."
She paused for a moment and she stopped tracing his hand, an act that made him feel so incredibly content. "Sorry, I'm not a singer," she said.
"I thought it was beautiful," he whispered as his hand mindlessly caressed her shoulder.
"Tay?"
"Yeah?"
"Do you still want to kiss me?"
"Yes."
The question sent his nerves soaring all of a sudden. Was she thinking about it? They'd had that conversation hours ago. Had she--had she been thinking about it all this time?
"I think it's impossible for men and women to be friends," she said quietly.
"I think we've done a pretty good job so far."
She shook her head. "No. We really haven't."
"So we had a couple of slip-ups. So what?"
"Friends don't have slip-ups like that. Friends...friends know their boundaries..."
"You regret those things, don't you?"
"Don't you?"
"No."
He felt her body tense up against him. Apparently he'd struck a nerve.
She pulled away from him and he dropped his arm off of her shoulder and propped his body up with his hand behind her. As his hand slid outward across the sheet, it slid just under her pillow and his hand felt something...prickly? Their quiet moment ruined by the surprise object made his face curl up in confusion. "Winn? What is that?"
"What's what?"
She must have felt his arm move behind her because she quickly reached her own hand under there and snatched the object out of his reach. "It's nothing."
A smile crept across his face. "What are you hiding under there?"
She looked at him, annoyed, her hand still under her pillow. "I told you it's nothing, leave it alone. It's personal."
"You have a lot of personal things going on tonight..."
"I'm allowed to have a private life," she huffed.
He raised his eyebrows and scoffed a laugh. "Not tonight, you're not." Then he reached over her and grabbed her wrist out from under her pillow. "Come on, let's have it." When he brought her arm around, his eyes widened in shock. "Winn. Is that--?"
Her face fell, her eyes darting around. "Someone took it out of the doorway after I went outside. When I was getting ready to leave, I--I took it..."
"And now you're sleeping with it under your pillow? Why?"
"I told you it's personal," she whispered.
Suddenly, he couldn't take it anymore. He saw a chance and he took it, not caring about the consequences. He was tired of denying it. He was tired of waiting and denying himself and he just wanted her so much. If she stopped him, then she stopped him, and that was okay. But he had a feeling she wouldn't.
He looked at her and he looked at the mistletoe in her hand and, in one swift motion, he grabbed it from her hand, dropped it onto the bed and closed his mouth over hers, taking in a deep breath of contentment as she kissed him back.
Even better was when she turned her body into him and wrapped her arms around his neck, her tongue delving deeper into his mouth. His heart nearly burst for joy and he couldn't hold her close enough. She wanted him. He could hardly believe it. They hadn't been drinking, she wasn't drunk, and she wanted him. This was too good to be true.
She sat up on her knees and she grabbed at his shirt, reaching down and peeling it up over his head. Her desperation seemingly grew as her lips left his and she trailed kisses down his neck and onto his shoulder. Her hands explored him, her nails gently grazing through the hair on his chest and she swung a leg over on the other side of him to straddle him.
Things were getting heated fast and he had to get his bearings for a moment. Gently he pushed her away and he looked into her eyes. "Winn, wait. Wait."
Her breathing was ragged and her eyes darted back and forth into his. "What?"
"Winn, we--we just--"
"I thought you wanted to kiss me?"
He swore he read disappointment on her face. "I do. I do, I just--I mean, every time something like this happens..."
She snatched her hands away from him and she looked ashamed. "Oh my god...oh my god, I'm so sorry..."
He reached out and took her face in his hands. "Don't apologize."
"But, Tay. You're right. We shouldn't--I shouldn't want--I mean, our friendship--"
"I'm willing to risk it," he said suddenly.
Her mouth dropped slightly in shock. "What?"
"Gambling is dangerous. I know. But I'm willing to risk it. All of it. I'd risk everything just to have one night with you. One night as us--just us. In our right minds."
Her eyes had widened and her breathing had visibly thickened. She was speechless. It was obvious she was thinking about it.
"Don't think about it," Taylor whispered. "Just feel it."
She looked at him a moment longer and then she pulled his face toward hers and kissed him again, releasing a light moan into his mouth. She pressed her body against him as she wrapped her arms around his neck and lowered herself onto his lap, rocking her hips and grinding against him. As she kissed him along his jaw and nibbled his earlobe, she whispered to him, "Take off your pants."
Grinning knowingly into the air, he turned his face into her and said, "Why don't you do it for me?"
"Because I can't stop kissing you."
"Well...I can't do it with you sitting on me, Winifred. You're going to have to make a choice." He caught her lips with his and he kissed her again. "It's my lips or my pants."
She lifted her hips off of him and pulled her own shirt over her head, her breasts now bare in front of him, and she smiled. "Go for it."
He shimmied his pants over his hips and kicked them off, exhilarated at the idea of being completely naked in Winn's bed. He never thought this night would come, but now it was here and he just knew he had to be dreaming. She was still smiling at him when he wrapped his arms around her body and turned her around, laying her on her back underneath him. Anxiously, he peeled her pants off of her legs and he ran his hands slowly back up her body. "God, you're so beautiful," he whispered.
He settled himself between her legs and lost himself in her embrace. He cupped her breast and squeezed her nipple between his fingers, watching her close her eyes and lift her chin and feeling her arch her back off of the bed. Letting go of her breast, his hand trailed down her stomach and over her hips and then he pressed it between her legs. She trembled underneath him and she started to moan quietly as he massaged her firmly and ever so slowly. He enjoyed watching her as he teased her and he liked the way the hot skin felt against his fingers.
He bit his lip in concentration, watching her face as he slid a finger inside her. That alone nearly sent him over the edge and he grew rock hard instantly. As she continued to whimper and tremble underneath him, he lowered his face to hers and he whispered, "Are you ready for me?"
She nodded in desperation, unable to speak, and he began to guide himself inside her. Suddenly, she gasped and her eyes widened. "Go slow," she begged in a whisper. "Please, go slow. It hurts."
Holy shit, that was hot. Maybe he was a sadist of sorts--well, the truth was, he kind of was, but that was for a different time--but just hearing those words coming out of her mouth sent him into a tizzy. Having difficulty keeping it together, and her startling tightness being the obvious reason for her pleading, he lowered his body closer to hers and he kissed her. "I'm not gonna hurt you," he whispered.
He watched her face as he eased inside her. Jesus, were women still this tight anymore? If his self-control hadn't been ace, he would have came right there. Instead, he stayed still for a moment and then he slowly slid out, and then even more slowly back in. He could feel her tension start to give way and she began to relax, her breathing evening out. "Is that better?" He whispered.
She responded with a smile and a moan and he picked up speed to an easy, satisfying rhythm. He wanted to savor her, he wanted to last. She felt too good to end too quickly and, when he'd found himself at a suitable, manageable pace, he lowered his body closer to her again and he kissed her.
She wrapped her arms around his neck and bent her knees, bracing them tight against his ribcage, and the way she wrapped him up in her body only made him want more. He picked up his rhythm a little more as her breathing deepened and her moaning became more frequent, and the more sound she made, the sexier it was.
After a minute or two, she began nearing the point of release and he knew it because he began to see desperation in her eyes. Or was it fear? Either way, he understood her, because he was feeling the fear, himself. He didn't want to stop, he wanted to make love to her until the end of time. When they came, it would be over. And when it was over, they'd have to face the reality. They both knew this.
But they also knew it just felt way too damn good. Taylor had never felt anything like this before. He felt her in his skin, in his blood, in his bones, in his veins...he felt her in his heart and his heart was nearly beating out of his chest from the sexual euphoria he felt among everything else. He just wanted her. He wanted her any and every way he could have her and he wanted her forever. How did she not realize that by now?
Underneath him, her breathing became staggered and her body began to tremble. She opened her eyes and locked them with his. "Tay," she whispered as he began to increase speed. "Tay, hold my hand."
He didn't think about it and he didn't question her. One hand at a time, he took both of hers, intertwined his fingers in hers, and pinned them above her head. This seemed to excite her and she unpinned her legs from his sides and spread them wider as he plunged himself deeper inside her. Her jaw slacked, but her eyes never left his unless he kissed her and he finally leaned into her ear and whispered, "You belong to me, Winn. Come for me like you're mine. All mine."
It only took her mere moments to cry out for him, her chest heaving as she gasped his name. Not allowing herself to come down yet, she let go of his hands and grabbed at his back, pressing him against her body, her mouth all over his neck as he buried his face in her hair. She was still breathing, still moaning, and now she dug her heels into his ass and pulled him into her with her legs. The act was pointless, but the idea was hot as hell, and he came almost immediately.
His head spun momentarily, but he kissed her, regardless of the sweat they had both worked up. He didn't care and neither did she. He wasn't ready for it to be over. Breaking the kiss, he looked down into her eyes and swept her hair out of her face. She looked up at him, wide-eyed. "Tay? Did you feel that?"
He searched her eyes for a moment before he nodded. "Yeah."
"I don't know what to do right now," she whispered.
His heart sank. That wasn't what he was hoping might come out of this. It wasn't what he felt and he knew it wasn't what she felt.
He wanted to answer for her. 'Tell me you love me,' he wanted to say. He was almost desperate, but then he looked at her again and didn't have the guts to pressure her. He just couldn't do it. If she couldn't say she loved him on her own, then she just wasn't ready. And he was going to have to accept that.
He would have to accept that she wasn't ready, that maybe there was a chance that she just didn't realize it, and that the probability was high that she still had business with Isaac that she wasn't quite ready to tie up. The truth was, he was as uncertain now as he had been before. For all it was worth, all that had happened tonight was they had both gotten laid.
There was just no way, though. There was just no way that was true.
So he studied her face one more time, wiped the tear away that had fallen down her cheek, and he smiled. "Just sleep," he said. "Don't think, just sleep."
"Stay in here with me," she whispered.
No. Please, no, don't do his heart this way. Don't ask him to stay. Don't look at him with those beautiful green eyes, full of wonder and uncertainty, and beg him to stay. Don't breathe his name through those pouty lips with that beautiful voice. Don't do this to him now.
But he caved. Just like he always did. "Okay," he whispered. And then he settled down beside her, pulled him close to her, and stroked the hair behind her back as she curled up and made herself comfortable.
*****************
At least an hour had passed. Winn was sound asleep, still wrapped in Taylor's arms as he lay on his side, her face snuggled against his chest. As he felt her warm, even breathing on his skin, he remained wide awake. He'd stared at the wall across the room the entire time, his mind running a mile a minute. When the sun rose, it would be a completely different ballgame. Life would never be the same, in more ways than one. Things would get complicated--so much more complicated than ever before. She didn't know what she wanted. Even after tonight, after all the love that had filled the atmosphere around them she still didn't know. And who was he to think she even wanted him at all? He knew, in his heart of hearts, that Isaac was going to finish what he started. He would take her away from him and ultimately, what could he do? If Winn didn't love Taylor, she didn't love him. Isaac was right when he'd told him that he couldn't make her love him the way he wanted her to. And maybe that was true. But it still didn't make it fair.
None of it was fair. To anyone. Taylor hadn't meant to fall in love with Winn. It was never his intention. He'd only wanted to be her friend, even up until now. But his feelings were just too much now. They caused complications all over the board, with her, with his brother, with the band. He couldn't do it. He couldn't be anyone's burden anymore.
In the quiet glow of the small Christmas tree, a squeak came from Winn. He looked down into her face and she was smiling, her nose scrunched up as she slept. She giggled a little bit and then she turned over away from him. She was dreaming. Visions of sugar plums danced blissfully in her head, while the Death March pounded into his.
He missed her already. He missed the scent of her hair, the glow of her smooth, white skin, the way his arms fit around her waist perfectly like a jigsaw puzzle. He ran the backs of his fingers gently down her arm and placed a soft kiss on her shoulder. And then he carefully let himself out of her bed.
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Winn smiled in her sleep as she turned over, her arm automatically reaching for Taylor, her dreams of blue eyes no longer causing her anxiety, but were now a beautiful reality.
Except that he wasn't there. His side of the bed was empty. And cold.
She sat up in alarm and listened to the silence of the house. After a moment, she heard the light rustling in the living room. Quickly getting out of bed, she tied her robe tightly around her body and walked quietly through the kitchen. In the living room, Taylor was fully dressed--jeans, shoes, and coat--and he was zipping up his duffle that he had propped on the coffee table.
"Tay?" She said quietly, devastated at the sight. "What are you doing?"
She had startled him. He stood straighter and looked at her from across the room.
Winn fought her tears. "Are you--are you leaving?"
Taylor nodded. "Yeah," he replied in a whisper.
"Where are you going? You're just--you're just gonna go home, just like that?"
"I don't know."
"Well--well--well, Tay, it's--it's Christmas. Are you coming back?"
"I don't know."
She sniffed. "You can't--you can't leave..."
"I have to."
"Why? Just--just come back to bed, we can talk about it, it'll be okay--"
"We both know I can't do that."
She swallowed hard, a tear already escaping her eye. "You were just going to leave me. You--you weren't even going to say goodbye..."
"I can't stay."
"But--you came here with the intention of staying. You can't leave. Waking up alone on Christmas is depressing, remember?"
He crossed the room and took her face in his hands. "I don't know where I'm going. I don't know if I'm coming back--"
"To me," she sniffed. "You don't know if you're coming back to me. Or us."
"I can't make any promises. But I can promise you that you're everything to me. And that tomorrow--in the next few hours--is going to be beautiful. It will be warm and inviting and it will be beautiful. And you'll be so caught up in the wonder of it all that you won't even think to miss me. I can't promise you anything else, but I can promise you tomorrow."
"That's not true..."
He closed his eyes and he kissed her forehead gently, letting his lips linger for a moment. Then he pulled away and he winked at her. "Merry Christmas, Winifred."
With that, he turned his back, crossed the room, slung his duffel over his shoulder, and walked right out into the cold, night air.
Winn felt as if the wind had been knocked out of her. She couldn't breathe. She opened her mouth to speak, moving her lips to call out his name, but no sound came out. The realization hit her like a ton of bricks and her knees weakened as she dropped herself into one of the kitchen chairs at the small table by the window. She could feel the tears spring to her eyes and her mouth hung open, still trying to speak, though he was long gone, but still no sound would come out. Her eyes wide in shock, she stared at her front door. The underlying meaning of his words as an assault on her heart, her soul, and her entire being. This couldn't be happening.
He was gone. He had left. Removed himself from the picture. And she had no idea if she would ever see him again.
As Kate watched the scene unfold out the storm door, she grew infuriated, ashamed of the men outside, acting like children, her husband included. The moment Winn left the driveway, the yelling continued and Kate had enough.
She walked out the door, marched down the porch steps, and right into the trio's verbal line of fire. "Hey!" She barked. "You should be ashamed of yourselves! All of you!"
The three brothers fell silent and Zac stepped backward in defense. "Hey, I'm not in--"
"You, included," she spat. Then she looked at all three of them. "You've run that poor girl off. All of you."
"I wasn't even present--" Taylor started.
"She left because you were screaming at each other, you idiot. She was on the back porch, she heard every bit of it!"
"Exactly what did she hear?" Isaac asked warily.
"I don't know," she snapped. "But now it's barely nine o'clock and her holiday is ruined. She has nobody here. No family, no nothing, and you three stooges just screwed her out of what little bit she had left. And now she's gonna spend her holiday alone."
"That's not exactly true..." Taylor said.
Kate widened her eyes at him. "What, you think she's gonna want to see YOU? She doesn't want anything to do with either of you. Congratulations."
"Look, I gotta go..." Taylor said.
"No," she snapped. "None of you are going anywhere. You're going to come in, play nice, act normal, and you are NOT going to ruin my children's Christmases. You got it?"
The three men fidgeted guiltily and then reluctantly filed back into the house.
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Winn wasted no time changing into her pajamas when she got home. She put her cookie in the freezer, stuck her card on the refrigerator, turned off the lights, and lit up her tree. She curled up on her couch with her throw blanket and pillow and decided that now would be a good time for a cat.
Everyone wanted to take so much pity on her for being alone on Christmas, but after a night like tonight, who wouldn't want to be alone? Who wouldn't want to enjoy the quiet, peaceful, drama-free solitude? Winn was fine with it.
As she watched the cartoon Christmas movie on TV, she popped Christmas chocolates into her mouth and sipped on cold soda. It wasn't dinner, and it wasn't healthy, but it was her life and her holiday and she could do whatever she wanted.
She had been home a little over an hour when there was a knock on her front door. Her hackles rose and she grew nervous since she hadn't heard anyone pull up, nor had the room lit up with shining headlights.
She muted the TV and the knock came again. Her heart pounded with fear.
Then Taylor's voice came muffled through the door. "Winn, open the door, it's starting to rain."
Scowling at the muted TV, she flipped on the porch light and flung the door open. "What is it with you Hanson guys and just showing up out of nowhere? You scared the crap out of me, doesn't anyone ever call ahead anymore?"
"I did call. And I texted."
"You did not, I got neither."
He reached into his pocket and offered her cell phone to her. "You left this at my Mom's."
Curling her lip up at her own mistake, she snatched her phone out of Taylor's hand. "Now, let me in, it's raining," he said.
Feeling only slightly guilty, she stepped out of the way and watched incredulously as he lifted a large duffle bag off the porch and carried it inside with him. She closed the door behind him and locked it and she looked him over in the dark room. "What is this?"
"Face it," he said, matter-of-factly. "Going to bed alone on Christmas is fucking depressing."
Her eyes widened. "Excuse me?"
He peeked over her shoulder and smiled. "Looks like you've already taken over my bed, though." Then he looked at her and his expression grew serious again. "Just let me stay. I miss you."
She looked him over and she found herself nodding automatically. "Okay," she said thoughtfully. "Yeah, uh, okay. But I'm eating and drinking crap and watching cartoons. My heat's jacked up sky high and I like it that way. I'm only going to bed whenever I get sleepy and that could be hours, maybe even all night. And when I do go to sleep on Christmas Eve, I--um--well, sometimes I wake up several times and open the front door just to see if it snowed. Okay? So...so...you might not sleep well tonight. I'm just warning you."
He smiled and shook his head. "I've never minded your...your little house routines. It's your house. Do whatever you want."
"Well. I'm just saying..."
"Fine by me."
"Uh, well. Fine."
With that, Winn curled back up in her spot on the couch and turned the sound back up on the TV. Then she looked up at him. "Oh. And don't make me sit here and look at you in your shoes and your jeans and your jacket. It looks so uncomfortable, I hate it."
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Taylor stood there in the dark room for a minute, save for the TV and the tree lights, and he shook his head. Running a hand through his hair, he muttered, "Okay..." And then he picked up his bag and carried it into the bathroom with him.
He changed his clothes and looked in the mirror. What the hell was he doing? What were they, twelve again or something? They were thirty years old and he'd just changed into his pajamas for a sleepover. It wasn't like this was the first time or anything. But still. Did adults do this?
He decided he didn't care. He was kind of into it. And he would never admit that to anyone but Winn. And that was why he was addicted to her, and why he wanted to be around her all the time. Because she made him feel unashamed of the sides of him that society would otherwise shame him for. She let him be himself.
He walked out of the bathroom, set his bag down in a corner of the living room, and then helped himself to her kitchen. He knew where everything was and she didn't bat an eyelash at him as he grabbed his own soda can from the refrigerator and then scoured her cabinets till his eyes landed on the prize. "Yes," he said under his breath. "I KNEW you would have these..."
He carried his soda can and the bag of shortbread cookies into the living room and made himself comfortable on the other end of her couch, draping what was left of Winn's throw blanket over his knees.
"You might not like those," Winn said, barely glancing at him. "They're, like, super cheap, off-brand--"
"I love these. I buy them all the time."
She side-glanced at him. "You're lying."
"Nope. Totally serious."
Then she shook her head and she turned her attention back to the TV.
They munched quietly for a few minutes, mindlessly watching the green cartoon character in the Santa suit slithering across the screen when, finally, Taylor had enough. He nudged her leg firmly with his foot. "Hey," he said. "You gonna talk about it or not?"
"No," she retorted firmly.
"Why?"
"Nothing to say. And I'm watching this."
"Please, you could probably recite this in your sleep."
"So?"
"Fine. I'll talk. I wasn't in the room for the initial...incident...but I heard about it after the fact."
"And then you had an all-out brawl in your mom's front yard."
"Well, we didn't hit each other..."
"Might as well have."
"Winn, she's a kid. Ike shouldn't have taken her so--"
"You should have seen her, Tay. It was like the world was ending. She--she has this idea or something..."
"She's just a kid," he said.
Winn looked over at him. "Kids are people, too." Then she looked down and started to pick at her blanket. "You should have seen Ike's face. I know he thinks the worst. It was so obvious. He's pissed off at me and I didn't even--I mean...oh god..."
"What?"
"Right before that he offered me his apartment key."
Taylor sat back against the arm of the sofa and studied her. This was a surprise. "Uh, well, uh..."
"He had it wrapped in red paper, like a present." Then she scoffed lightly. "Matched his tie. Anyway I kinda--I kinda freaked out. Because it's too soon. It's really too soon, Tay, we're nowhere near close to that point and--and then Junia said what she said and I think he thinks something that's...not...and I don't know how to convince him otherwise."
"Don't worry about him," Taylor said.
"Yeah, right."
"I'm serious. He over-reacted, he got...some things out outside, I think. You're fine. Don't worry about it. It has nothing to do with you."
"Are you serious? It has everything to do with me--"
"Look, Winn, you're not the only one feeling pressure here, okay?"
Taylor regretted being so firm with her, but he really didn't feel like spending his Christmas trying to play matchmaker between her and his brother. So he changed the subject by tossing the blanket off of him and getting up from the couch.
"Where are you going?" Winn asked.
"It's Christmas," Taylor replied simply as he walked over to his duffle bag and began to unzip it.
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Winn tried not to pay attention to what Taylor was doing. The truth was, she didn't really understand why she was being so short with him. Oh, wait. Yes, she did. Because he acted like an idiot with his brothers in the yard over an incident he hadn't even been present for. However, it wasn't like she heard any of the words they actually said. Except for "Winn." And "unfair." And "selfish." She felt guilty about it. Terribly guilty.
She tried not to pay attention to the medium-sized box he pulled from the duffel and she definitely didn't follow him with her eyes as he took a seat on the floor next to the tree and drummed his fingers on the wrapped box.
Except that she did, and now curiosity was killing her.
"What are you doing?" She finally asked him.
He smiled at her. "It's midnight. It's Christmas."
"We still have half an hour."
"Ah, what's half an hour?
"It's not Christmas until you wake up."
"I'm awake." Then he smiled and he nodded toward the tree. "Come on."
She looked at him for a moment in thought and then her heart warmed and she smiled and made herself comfortable as she crossed her legs underneath her and sat across from him in the floor. He pushed the box across the carpet toward her and then he stopped. "Your real gift isn't until tomorrow," he said. "This is just a little something to tide you over."
"Tay," she said, touched. "You didn't have to do anything..."
"I wanted to. Merry Christmas."
She hesitated before she opened it and after Taylor urged her one more time, she carefully tore the paper from the cardboard box and opened the box up.
"Do you need more light?" He asked her.
She shook her head and smiled as she gazed into the box. "No, thank you. What is all this?" She reached in and swam her hand through a sea of supplies: markers, pencils, scissors, glue...
"Well, the first time you ever invited me over, you wanted me to take pictures so you could start scrapbooking. I haven't heard you talk about it or anything so I assumed maybe you hadn't started it yet. So...there's sort of a scrapbooking starter kit in there." Then he smiled again and nodded at the box. "Keep digging."
Her heart was already heavy with emotion but she did as instructed anyway, until her hand found the book. She pulled the book off of the bottom, the pages empty, and then she pulled the large envelope out from between the pages. Laying the book gently back down into the box, she looked up at Taylor. "Are these--?"
"Open it."
As she carefully opened up the top of the manila envelope, he gently slid the box to the side and scooted closer to her. She pulled out pictures of different sizes, some black and white and some color, and she was amazed at the quality of them. "These are all the ones you took that day?"
He nodded. "Yeah. And, uh, maybe a few from other occasions that I may have snuck in there."
Tears sprang to her eyes when she came across one particular one, taken in her backyard that first day he'd come over. It was one he'd taken of themselves. Just a quick selfie, nothing major. But they looked so happy and she remembered the moment like it was yesterday. They had just started forming their friendship then and now so much had happened since. She cherished the simple times with him.
She looked up at him. "Tay," she said, her voice cracking without warning. "Thank you so much. You don't know what this means to me."
He smiled at her warmly. "I just want to see the finished product."
"You could help me," she offered.
He shook his head. "No. This is all you."
She smiled at him and then she paused, clearing her throat before the tears fell and snapping herself back to reality. She smiled and she placed everything back in her box. "I have something for you, too."
"Winn, no--"
"Two somethings, actually." She leaned over into the back of the tree and she pulled out two boxes, one smaller than the other. "I don't know if you have one of these or not. And if you do, we can totally send it back and get you something else." Then she proudly shoved the bigger box at him.
"You really didn't have to do this," he smiled at her as he tore the corners of the paper.
"I wanted to," she said, repeating his words from minutes before.
Eagerly, biting her lip and craning her neck, she watched him unwrap it. She watched the mile-wide grin spread across his face and he looked up at her, resting his arm across the box. "Okay. Before I get my hopes up, is it what's actually on the box?"
Winn nodded excitedly. "Yep. Do you have one?"
"No," he said, opening his Homestar Pro the rest of the way. "No, I've actually been meaning to get one, though..."
"Well, now you have one," she said cheerfully. Then her eyes lit up and she grabbed the smaller gift and sat it on top of his new planetarium box. "Here here here! Now do this one."
"Winn," he chuckled. "Seriously..."
"Just open it!" She squeaked.
She watched him as he opened it, his brow furrowing curiously at the egg-shaped product in the picture on the box. "What, um, what's--"
"It's a mini one," she said. "A mini planetarium, I mean. It takes batteries. It still does some of the same stuff as the regular ones, except you can pack that one and take it with you."
His eyes darted up and he blinked at her.
She shrugged meekly. "You know...so that whenever you have to travel you can take it with you and...I dunno...maybe sometimes you'll want to call me and we can both look at our planetariums together...if you want to..."
He stared across at her, searching her eyes. His eyes on her started to make her feel uncomfortable and she glanced at the floor and tucked her hair behind her ear. Finally, he whispered, "This is the best gift I've ever been given."
Winn shrugged and smirked. "It's just a nerdy toy, really..."
"No. It's more than that."
"So...you like it? You don't think it's hokey?"
"I love it. And I love--uh, this mini one. It's perfect, it's--yeah, I'm definitely taking it on the road with me."
She smiled again. "Really?"
"Yeah. It'll be the first thing I pack when we leave."
Winn's breath caught momentarily. "You, uh, you say that like that might be coming up soon."
"Uh, yeah," he said nervously. "Yeah, we're, uh, headed overseas in March..."
"Oh...overseas..."
"Yeah. We'll only be gone for about a month or so. Then we're coming back here...doing some more touring..."
"You're gonna be touring a majority of this coming year..."
"Well, I don't know about a majority, but a few months, yeah."
"I had no idea..."
"We're still nailing down some dates..."
"Oh."
"It'll fly by..."
Winn nodded in response.
"Hey," he said. "What's that I see back there?"
Winn was alerted back to the preset. "Huh?"
"Back there, in the back."
Winn leaned forward and looked under the tree and then she smiled. "Oh. Oh, wow, I almost forgot that. That's my Snowed In CD case."
"Oh yeah," he smiled.
"And it's Christmas..."
"So, it is."
Excitedly, perhaps a little more excited than she should have been, she opened the CD case and took out the booklet, flipping to the first page, which was mostly white. She'd been dying to read what he'd written in there Thanksgiving night.
"To Winn's 13-year-old heart--
Thank you so much for your support and dedication. You rock!
Love, Taylor Hanson
To Winn's 30-year-old soul--
I can't believe I never knew you were out there until you spilled coffee all over me. That was my fault, I know, but looking back, it was the best mistake I ever made. You have no idea how much brighter my life has become since you entered it and I definitely don't look at stars the same way anymore. You've become my best friend, my soul mate, and someone I look forward to being close to for the rest of my life. Thank you for the continued support and thank you for just being you.
Love, T"
Winn sniffed and wiped her eye before she even realized she'd been crying. He'd written this before anything had gotten complicated. Before the company Christmas party, before their fight, before the studio...before everything, when their friendship was still innocent.
She put the booklet carefully back into the case and she laid it back under the tree. Then she looked up at Taylor, leaned forward and wrapped her arms around his neck. "Thank you," she whispered into his ear. "I know this sounds stupid, but you kinda fulfilled a silly, teenaged dream for me."
Taylor was silent for a moment. And then, as she pulled away from him, he caught her as he turned his face into hers. "Winn," he said, quietly. "I haven't had a drop of alcohol in several hours. And I'm having a hard time resisting the urge to kiss you right now."
She pulled away and looked at him. "Um, I think--I think you may just be caught up in the moment right now. I mean, it's dark and the tree's lit...and Dean Martin's on TV over there begging me not to leave..."
"We've never tried it sober."
"Being sober can be detrimental to our friendship. I think that's why we've never tried."
"You don't think it's worth the risk?"
"I don't want to lose you."
"Maybe you're right. But you just look so beautiful under this light right now."
"Tay..."
"We may be friends, but I can't deny what's true."
Her eyes widened and her heart pounded. "What's true?"
"That you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. And I can't deny that I've often wondered what it would be like to kiss you--without the influence of alcohol."
Winn swallowed hard. She, herself, couldn't deny that she wondered the very same. "At least alcohol--we had a crutch--"
"An excuse..."
"Things have already gotten awkward twice..."
He furrowed his brow in realization. "Those were the worst times of my life."
"Is this bad?"
"Is what bad?"
"That we're willing to kiss each other."
"Didn't realize the feeling was mutual."
"I think I'm caught up in the moment, too."
"Then how is it bad?"
"Because I don't want to wake up tomorrow and realize that we've made a mistake. I don't want to spend my Christmas missing you."
"I've never valued a relationship as much as I value our friendship," he said.
"It's a few minutes till midnight."
"I know. It's almost Christmas."
She looked at him in concentration for a moment before her eyes lit up. "Wait right here."
"Where are you going?" He asked as she stood up.
"Just wait, I'll be right back."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Taylor was a nervous wreck. He had no idea where the sudden boldness had come from but he was already feeling regretful at his suggestion of kissing her. He kinda figured she'd shoot the idea down. But then she said she felt the same way, so...he just knew. He knew that once she kissed him--for real--that she would realize they were meant to be. There was no way that his much love could be one-sided.
Because that's what it was. It was the truth. He loved her. But he'd told her the truth when he'd told her how much their friendship meant to him. He wouldn't dare put himself at risk of being without her. No matter how painful it was. He would rather endure the pain than not have her at all.
She returned with her planetarium and he had to smile. "We could have just taken mine for a test run," he joked.
"Yeah, but mine's already set up."
Swiftly, she unplugged the tree, plugged in the planetarium, flipped on the switch, and changed the discs. She cat cross-legged across from him and set the planetarium on the floor in between them.
"What are you doing?" He asked her as the shooting stars flew across the ceiling above them.
She smiled at him. "It's a few minutes till midnight. We have to make our Christmas wishes."
"Christmas wishes?"
"Well, I know they're fake stars, but Santa Claus isn't real, either, and he still manages to make an impression."
Taylor shook his head and laughed. "I just love you, you know that?" Then he caught himself. "As a friend. You know."
She beamed at him. "I know." Then she looked up at the ceiling. "Now, hurry. Clock's ticking."
The pair stared up at the ceiling for a moment before Winn broke the silence. "Tay. Guess what?" She grinned at him. "It's Christmas."
He smiled back at her. "Merry Christmas," he said quietly.
"Did you make you wish?"
"Yeah."
"What did you wish for?"
He looked at her and he swallowed hard. "Our friendship."
She smiled. "Me, too."
"And, uh, it's already come true."
He didn't dare utter a word about the second wish he made.
*******************
A few hours later, on the couch, Taylor's eyes snapped open and he stared at the soft red glow on the ceiling that reflected from the lights on the Christmas tree. He was surprised he even managed to fall asleep at all. He was glad he had woken up, though, because the dream he was having was certainly not healthy for his current situation. He dreamed of her. Of her long, red hair, her flawless skin, her long legs...life was even unbearable in his dreams. How in the hell he actually managed to live it was a miracle all on its own.
He narrowed his eyes at the sound of the music he thought he heard. Straining his ears for a moment, he couldn't help but smile at the soft sound of Christmas music that flowed from Winn's bedroom. Curiosity getting the better of him, he stood from the couch and made his way carefully from the living room, through the kitchen, and peeked his head around the doorway to her bedroom.
He smiled and leaned in the doorway, pushing up his sleeves and crossing his arms over his chest. As Nat King Cole serenaded her with The Christmas Song from her phone, she sat cross-legged in her bed and stared up at the shooting stars that shot across the night sky on her ceiling. Across the room, a small Christmas tree with colored lights provided an extra special glow in the room.
"What are you doing awake?" He asked quietly, amused.
She looked from the ceiling and over at him, seemingly unsurprised by his presence. "Cinderella said it best. A dream is a wish your heart makes."
"You had a dream?" He guessed.
"Yeah."
"And now you're wishing?"
"Yep."
"What did you dream about?"
"It's personal."
"And you can't tell me?"
She shook her head and widened her eyes in annoyance. "No. It's personal. Like I said." Then her face calmed again. "What are you doing awake?"
"I had a dream, too."
She glanced at the ceiling and then back at him. "You wanna wish on it?"
"I wished it before I dreamed it. It's a recurring dream."
Her face fell. "Oh. Um, okay...not really sure what the rules on that are..."
"Hopefully it means the wish will come true soon."
"And if it doesn't?"
"Then at least it did in my dream. And I'm okay with that."
"I had a nightmare," she volunteered.
"And you're wishing on it?"
"I dreamed that you were gone. And now I'm wishing that it never comes true."
A warm smile crept across Taylor's face. "Well, THAT wish came true before you even wished it. I'm not going anywhere."
She looked at him, her expression still serious. "Didn't stop me from dreaming it, though."
He narrowed his eyes at her. "So...if a dream is a wish your heart makes...and you dreamed I was gone...does that mean that maybe deep down you want rid of me?"
She looked at him, matter-of-fact. "Things were good before you left. I wished for the good parts."
"Ah," he nodded. "Makes sense."
"Of course it does. Why would I want you gone?" Suddenly, her eyes lit up and a smile shined bright from her face as Elvis began to sing about a blue Christmas. "You wanna come listen?" She asked. "They're playing all my favorites tonight."
"The old stuff," he observed.
"Apparently so. It's great, isn't it?"
She patted the bed beside her and he couldn't resist. He remembered the first time she ever invited him to her bed and turned on the planetarium. He thought he would burst from the nerves. This time, though, crawling in bed with her was as natural as waking up in the morning.
As he crawled in the bed, he sat beside her and tucked his legs under the covers. "He's right, you know," Winn said to Taylor. "I'd have a blue Christmas if you weren't here."
Taylor smiled and lifted his arm as she tucked herself underneath it. His arm wrapped around her shoulders as she curled herself into a ball against his torso and rested her head against his shoulder. "It'd almost be worth spending Christmas alone to get a look at some of that blue snow he's talking about," he joked. Winn playfully hit the first place she could reach, which happened to be his knee, which made his leg kick. He laughed and he reached over and pinched her lightly in the gut, making her squirm. "Dammit, Winn, stop hitting me there."
She laughed and slapped his hand away. "I think it's becoming a reflex now. Your knee must have some kind of magnet in it or something, my hand just seems to gravitate there. I think it calls to me. 'Winn! Winn! Please, hit me!' You have masochistic knees."
He continued to laugh as he shook his head. "You're a fucking lunatic."
"But I'm fun."
"That, you are," he agreed.
They calmed their laughing and were quiet for a moment before Winn said, "So what would you be doing if you weren't here? What am I keeping you from?"
"You're not keeping me from anything. I'd, uh, I'd probably sleep late. Answer a bunch of texts, one of them being Mom inviting me for dinner. I'd regretfully turn it down..."
"You don't go to dinner with your mom?"
"I see them on Christmas Eve. Anyway, I usually just kinda lounge around the house, take a few gifts to Zac's kids, and then come home and call it a day."
"That's no fun."
"It's a welcome break."
"For the past couple of years I would go sleep at my brother's house so I could wake up with his kids on Christmas morning. Waking up alone on Christmas morning is depressing."
They were quiet for a moment, listening to the song on her phone end and then go to commercial. When Bing Crosby began to dream of a white Christmas, Taylor squeezed Winn's shoulder a little tighter. "Tell me what you dreamed, Cinderella," he found himself saying quietly. "Tell me all your dreams."
Winn took his free hand and turned it over, palm up. As she traced the lines with her finger, she sang in a soft whisper:
"A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you're fast asleep
In dreams you lose your heartaches
Whatever you wish for you keep
Have faith in your dreams and someday
Your rainbow will come smiling through
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
That dream that you wish will come true."
She paused for a moment and she stopped tracing his hand, an act that made him feel so incredibly content. "Sorry, I'm not a singer," she said.
"I thought it was beautiful," he whispered as his hand mindlessly caressed her shoulder.
"Tay?"
"Yeah?"
"Do you still want to kiss me?"
"Yes."
The question sent his nerves soaring all of a sudden. Was she thinking about it? They'd had that conversation hours ago. Had she--had she been thinking about it all this time?
"I think it's impossible for men and women to be friends," she said quietly.
"I think we've done a pretty good job so far."
She shook her head. "No. We really haven't."
"So we had a couple of slip-ups. So what?"
"Friends don't have slip-ups like that. Friends...friends know their boundaries..."
"You regret those things, don't you?"
"Don't you?"
"No."
He felt her body tense up against him. Apparently he'd struck a nerve.
She pulled away from him and he dropped his arm off of her shoulder and propped his body up with his hand behind her. As his hand slid outward across the sheet, it slid just under her pillow and his hand felt something...prickly? Their quiet moment ruined by the surprise object made his face curl up in confusion. "Winn? What is that?"
"What's what?"
She must have felt his arm move behind her because she quickly reached her own hand under there and snatched the object out of his reach. "It's nothing."
A smile crept across his face. "What are you hiding under there?"
She looked at him, annoyed, her hand still under her pillow. "I told you it's nothing, leave it alone. It's personal."
"You have a lot of personal things going on tonight..."
"I'm allowed to have a private life," she huffed.
He raised his eyebrows and scoffed a laugh. "Not tonight, you're not." Then he reached over her and grabbed her wrist out from under her pillow. "Come on, let's have it." When he brought her arm around, his eyes widened in shock. "Winn. Is that--?"
Her face fell, her eyes darting around. "Someone took it out of the doorway after I went outside. When I was getting ready to leave, I--I took it..."
"And now you're sleeping with it under your pillow? Why?"
"I told you it's personal," she whispered.
Suddenly, he couldn't take it anymore. He saw a chance and he took it, not caring about the consequences. He was tired of denying it. He was tired of waiting and denying himself and he just wanted her so much. If she stopped him, then she stopped him, and that was okay. But he had a feeling she wouldn't.
He looked at her and he looked at the mistletoe in her hand and, in one swift motion, he grabbed it from her hand, dropped it onto the bed and closed his mouth over hers, taking in a deep breath of contentment as she kissed him back.
Even better was when she turned her body into him and wrapped her arms around his neck, her tongue delving deeper into his mouth. His heart nearly burst for joy and he couldn't hold her close enough. She wanted him. He could hardly believe it. They hadn't been drinking, she wasn't drunk, and she wanted him. This was too good to be true.
She sat up on her knees and she grabbed at his shirt, reaching down and peeling it up over his head. Her desperation seemingly grew as her lips left his and she trailed kisses down his neck and onto his shoulder. Her hands explored him, her nails gently grazing through the hair on his chest and she swung a leg over on the other side of him to straddle him.
Things were getting heated fast and he had to get his bearings for a moment. Gently he pushed her away and he looked into her eyes. "Winn, wait. Wait."
Her breathing was ragged and her eyes darted back and forth into his. "What?"
"Winn, we--we just--"
"I thought you wanted to kiss me?"
He swore he read disappointment on her face. "I do. I do, I just--I mean, every time something like this happens..."
She snatched her hands away from him and she looked ashamed. "Oh my god...oh my god, I'm so sorry..."
He reached out and took her face in his hands. "Don't apologize."
"But, Tay. You're right. We shouldn't--I shouldn't want--I mean, our friendship--"
"I'm willing to risk it," he said suddenly.
Her mouth dropped slightly in shock. "What?"
"Gambling is dangerous. I know. But I'm willing to risk it. All of it. I'd risk everything just to have one night with you. One night as us--just us. In our right minds."
Her eyes had widened and her breathing had visibly thickened. She was speechless. It was obvious she was thinking about it.
"Don't think about it," Taylor whispered. "Just feel it."
She looked at him a moment longer and then she pulled his face toward hers and kissed him again, releasing a light moan into his mouth. She pressed her body against him as she wrapped her arms around his neck and lowered herself onto his lap, rocking her hips and grinding against him. As she kissed him along his jaw and nibbled his earlobe, she whispered to him, "Take off your pants."
Grinning knowingly into the air, he turned his face into her and said, "Why don't you do it for me?"
"Because I can't stop kissing you."
"Well...I can't do it with you sitting on me, Winifred. You're going to have to make a choice." He caught her lips with his and he kissed her again. "It's my lips or my pants."
She lifted her hips off of him and pulled her own shirt over her head, her breasts now bare in front of him, and she smiled. "Go for it."
He shimmied his pants over his hips and kicked them off, exhilarated at the idea of being completely naked in Winn's bed. He never thought this night would come, but now it was here and he just knew he had to be dreaming. She was still smiling at him when he wrapped his arms around her body and turned her around, laying her on her back underneath him. Anxiously, he peeled her pants off of her legs and he ran his hands slowly back up her body. "God, you're so beautiful," he whispered.
He settled himself between her legs and lost himself in her embrace. He cupped her breast and squeezed her nipple between his fingers, watching her close her eyes and lift her chin and feeling her arch her back off of the bed. Letting go of her breast, his hand trailed down her stomach and over her hips and then he pressed it between her legs. She trembled underneath him and she started to moan quietly as he massaged her firmly and ever so slowly. He enjoyed watching her as he teased her and he liked the way the hot skin felt against his fingers.
He bit his lip in concentration, watching her face as he slid a finger inside her. That alone nearly sent him over the edge and he grew rock hard instantly. As she continued to whimper and tremble underneath him, he lowered his face to hers and he whispered, "Are you ready for me?"
She nodded in desperation, unable to speak, and he began to guide himself inside her. Suddenly, she gasped and her eyes widened. "Go slow," she begged in a whisper. "Please, go slow. It hurts."
Holy shit, that was hot. Maybe he was a sadist of sorts--well, the truth was, he kind of was, but that was for a different time--but just hearing those words coming out of her mouth sent him into a tizzy. Having difficulty keeping it together, and her startling tightness being the obvious reason for her pleading, he lowered his body closer to hers and he kissed her. "I'm not gonna hurt you," he whispered.
He watched her face as he eased inside her. Jesus, were women still this tight anymore? If his self-control hadn't been ace, he would have came right there. Instead, he stayed still for a moment and then he slowly slid out, and then even more slowly back in. He could feel her tension start to give way and she began to relax, her breathing evening out. "Is that better?" He whispered.
She responded with a smile and a moan and he picked up speed to an easy, satisfying rhythm. He wanted to savor her, he wanted to last. She felt too good to end too quickly and, when he'd found himself at a suitable, manageable pace, he lowered his body closer to her again and he kissed her.
She wrapped her arms around his neck and bent her knees, bracing them tight against his ribcage, and the way she wrapped him up in her body only made him want more. He picked up his rhythm a little more as her breathing deepened and her moaning became more frequent, and the more sound she made, the sexier it was.
After a minute or two, she began nearing the point of release and he knew it because he began to see desperation in her eyes. Or was it fear? Either way, he understood her, because he was feeling the fear, himself. He didn't want to stop, he wanted to make love to her until the end of time. When they came, it would be over. And when it was over, they'd have to face the reality. They both knew this.
But they also knew it just felt way too damn good. Taylor had never felt anything like this before. He felt her in his skin, in his blood, in his bones, in his veins...he felt her in his heart and his heart was nearly beating out of his chest from the sexual euphoria he felt among everything else. He just wanted her. He wanted her any and every way he could have her and he wanted her forever. How did she not realize that by now?
Underneath him, her breathing became staggered and her body began to tremble. She opened her eyes and locked them with his. "Tay," she whispered as he began to increase speed. "Tay, hold my hand."
He didn't think about it and he didn't question her. One hand at a time, he took both of hers, intertwined his fingers in hers, and pinned them above her head. This seemed to excite her and she unpinned her legs from his sides and spread them wider as he plunged himself deeper inside her. Her jaw slacked, but her eyes never left his unless he kissed her and he finally leaned into her ear and whispered, "You belong to me, Winn. Come for me like you're mine. All mine."
It only took her mere moments to cry out for him, her chest heaving as she gasped his name. Not allowing herself to come down yet, she let go of his hands and grabbed at his back, pressing him against her body, her mouth all over his neck as he buried his face in her hair. She was still breathing, still moaning, and now she dug her heels into his ass and pulled him into her with her legs. The act was pointless, but the idea was hot as hell, and he came almost immediately.
His head spun momentarily, but he kissed her, regardless of the sweat they had both worked up. He didn't care and neither did she. He wasn't ready for it to be over. Breaking the kiss, he looked down into her eyes and swept her hair out of her face. She looked up at him, wide-eyed. "Tay? Did you feel that?"
He searched her eyes for a moment before he nodded. "Yeah."
"I don't know what to do right now," she whispered.
His heart sank. That wasn't what he was hoping might come out of this. It wasn't what he felt and he knew it wasn't what she felt.
He wanted to answer for her. 'Tell me you love me,' he wanted to say. He was almost desperate, but then he looked at her again and didn't have the guts to pressure her. He just couldn't do it. If she couldn't say she loved him on her own, then she just wasn't ready. And he was going to have to accept that.
He would have to accept that she wasn't ready, that maybe there was a chance that she just didn't realize it, and that the probability was high that she still had business with Isaac that she wasn't quite ready to tie up. The truth was, he was as uncertain now as he had been before. For all it was worth, all that had happened tonight was they had both gotten laid.
There was just no way, though. There was just no way that was true.
So he studied her face one more time, wiped the tear away that had fallen down her cheek, and he smiled. "Just sleep," he said. "Don't think, just sleep."
"Stay in here with me," she whispered.
No. Please, no, don't do his heart this way. Don't ask him to stay. Don't look at him with those beautiful green eyes, full of wonder and uncertainty, and beg him to stay. Don't breathe his name through those pouty lips with that beautiful voice. Don't do this to him now.
But he caved. Just like he always did. "Okay," he whispered. And then he settled down beside her, pulled him close to her, and stroked the hair behind her back as she curled up and made herself comfortable.
*****************
At least an hour had passed. Winn was sound asleep, still wrapped in Taylor's arms as he lay on his side, her face snuggled against his chest. As he felt her warm, even breathing on his skin, he remained wide awake. He'd stared at the wall across the room the entire time, his mind running a mile a minute. When the sun rose, it would be a completely different ballgame. Life would never be the same, in more ways than one. Things would get complicated--so much more complicated than ever before. She didn't know what she wanted. Even after tonight, after all the love that had filled the atmosphere around them she still didn't know. And who was he to think she even wanted him at all? He knew, in his heart of hearts, that Isaac was going to finish what he started. He would take her away from him and ultimately, what could he do? If Winn didn't love Taylor, she didn't love him. Isaac was right when he'd told him that he couldn't make her love him the way he wanted her to. And maybe that was true. But it still didn't make it fair.
None of it was fair. To anyone. Taylor hadn't meant to fall in love with Winn. It was never his intention. He'd only wanted to be her friend, even up until now. But his feelings were just too much now. They caused complications all over the board, with her, with his brother, with the band. He couldn't do it. He couldn't be anyone's burden anymore.
In the quiet glow of the small Christmas tree, a squeak came from Winn. He looked down into her face and she was smiling, her nose scrunched up as she slept. She giggled a little bit and then she turned over away from him. She was dreaming. Visions of sugar plums danced blissfully in her head, while the Death March pounded into his.
He missed her already. He missed the scent of her hair, the glow of her smooth, white skin, the way his arms fit around her waist perfectly like a jigsaw puzzle. He ran the backs of his fingers gently down her arm and placed a soft kiss on her shoulder. And then he carefully let himself out of her bed.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Winn smiled in her sleep as she turned over, her arm automatically reaching for Taylor, her dreams of blue eyes no longer causing her anxiety, but were now a beautiful reality.
Except that he wasn't there. His side of the bed was empty. And cold.
She sat up in alarm and listened to the silence of the house. After a moment, she heard the light rustling in the living room. Quickly getting out of bed, she tied her robe tightly around her body and walked quietly through the kitchen. In the living room, Taylor was fully dressed--jeans, shoes, and coat--and he was zipping up his duffle that he had propped on the coffee table.
"Tay?" She said quietly, devastated at the sight. "What are you doing?"
She had startled him. He stood straighter and looked at her from across the room.
Winn fought her tears. "Are you--are you leaving?"
Taylor nodded. "Yeah," he replied in a whisper.
"Where are you going? You're just--you're just gonna go home, just like that?"
"I don't know."
"Well--well--well, Tay, it's--it's Christmas. Are you coming back?"
"I don't know."
She sniffed. "You can't--you can't leave..."
"I have to."
"Why? Just--just come back to bed, we can talk about it, it'll be okay--"
"We both know I can't do that."
She swallowed hard, a tear already escaping her eye. "You were just going to leave me. You--you weren't even going to say goodbye..."
"I can't stay."
"But--you came here with the intention of staying. You can't leave. Waking up alone on Christmas is depressing, remember?"
He crossed the room and took her face in his hands. "I don't know where I'm going. I don't know if I'm coming back--"
"To me," she sniffed. "You don't know if you're coming back to me. Or us."
"I can't make any promises. But I can promise you that you're everything to me. And that tomorrow--in the next few hours--is going to be beautiful. It will be warm and inviting and it will be beautiful. And you'll be so caught up in the wonder of it all that you won't even think to miss me. I can't promise you anything else, but I can promise you tomorrow."
"That's not true..."
He closed his eyes and he kissed her forehead gently, letting his lips linger for a moment. Then he pulled away and he winked at her. "Merry Christmas, Winifred."
With that, he turned his back, crossed the room, slung his duffel over his shoulder, and walked right out into the cold, night air.
Winn felt as if the wind had been knocked out of her. She couldn't breathe. She opened her mouth to speak, moving her lips to call out his name, but no sound came out. The realization hit her like a ton of bricks and her knees weakened as she dropped herself into one of the kitchen chairs at the small table by the window. She could feel the tears spring to her eyes and her mouth hung open, still trying to speak, though he was long gone, but still no sound would come out. Her eyes wide in shock, she stared at her front door. The underlying meaning of his words as an assault on her heart, her soul, and her entire being. This couldn't be happening.
He was gone. He had left. Removed himself from the picture. And she had no idea if she would ever see him again.