A LITERARY SURRENDER
Regret. Remorse. Responsibility. Respect.
Isaac was beginning to hate the letter R. He hated the way those words made him feel. He hated feeling at all. He longed for the days when he didn't have to care. When he didn't think twice about any of his actions and the women were as easily disposable as they were forgettable.
But Winn made him feel things. It had been years since a woman had made him feel anything real and even then he didn't know what was real and what wasn't. But he was an adult and he wasn't entirely heartless--this he knew with unfortunate regret. And the truth was, he'd done something stupid and he'd hurt and disrespected Winn and he didn't like the way that felt. He liked Winn. He might even venture to say he cared a little bit. Maybe he couldn't keep his mind off of her and the remorse and regret he'd felt for his actions. There were those R's again. What happened to his easy life in the fast lane? Where had it all gone?
He WANTED to make it up to her. But how in the hell would he get himself out of this one? She wouldn't have anything to do with him, which he knew he deserved but he just wasn't finished with her yet. He thought about her all the time, watched her walk in and out of her office across the street, constantly checking his phone for messages. He guessed he could have taken it upon himself to visit her office but he was afraid of making anything worse. Isaac never NOT had an answer before. Or a remedy. And he needed one, fast, to save his own sanity.
Being around Taylor didn't help. He knew that while he'd fucked up, Taylor was off with her, doing whatever and talking about whatever they talked about, further bonding with her and staying in her good graces. One of these days she would fall for him. It was apparent at Thanksgiving that they had something special and it wasn't like Isaac was purposely setting out to ruin anything but he wanted to take Winn for himself while she was still innocent and oblivious to it. Isaac felt like an asshole for trying to take his brother's happiness away, but if she didn't have feelings for Taylor like that, then she didn't have them, but he KNEW that she had some sort of feelings for him or else she wouldn't have been so upset at Stacey's presence at Thanksgiving.
And how about Taylor bringing Winn to Thanksgiving at all? That was news to everybody. Did he do it on purpose? Deep down Isaac knew that he probably hadn't but he couldn't help but wonder anyway. It was hard to wonder if anything Taylor said or did lately was out of malice or not. His younger brother was changing and Isaac had to admit, he himself wasn't responding to it as maturely as he knew he should have been.
Walking through the studio several days after the big dinner fiasco, Isaac heard his brothers talking in the office and stopped outside the door. He knew eavesdropping was so far down below his level but he couldn't help himself.
"I still can't believe you actually went Black Friday shopping," Zac was saying. "No. Even better. I can't believe you stayed the night with Winn."
Isaac's blood was already boiling.
"First of all, if you think women fighting over drumsticks is craziness, then you've seen nothing until you've seen women fighting over toys. I don't know why Winn loves that shit so much but it scared the hell out of me. As for staying the night, it wasn't a big deal. I slept on the couch."
"You're kidding..."
Taylor sighed. "Not kidding."
"Tay, come on. ALL you gotta do is make the move. It's there, she likes you. I KNOW she likes you. Hell, the entire damn family knows it. Junia already calls her Aunt Winnie, it's crazy--"
"Zac..." Taylor said with warning in his voice.
"I know, I know, we're trying to correct it. It hasn't been easy."
Taylor sighed again. "She told me she loved me--"
"Tay! Man! That's fantastic!"
"And then she friend-zoned me. She loves me and then she friend-zones me."
"Oh man," Zac said, disappointment in his voice. "Friend-zoned you? I mean, are you sure that's what it was? Are you sure you didn't misunderstand--?"
"No, she clarified herself. Not ONLY did she clarify herself, she specifically went out of her WAY to clarify herself. Twice. I think..."
"Aw man," Zac repeated. "That's--that's a bummer, man, I'm sorry..."
"Strictly platonic. That's it."
"Did you say it back?"
"No."
"At all?"
"I told her I cared..."
"Tay, I'm telling you. Seriously. TELL HER HOW YOU FEEL. I promise, she won't reject you."
"She likes Ike. Okay? She--I don't know what the hell she sees in him but weren't my exact words the first time he saw her not, 'Now I don't have a chance in hell?' Well, I was right. I don't. And now I'm friend-zoned and he's in the hot seat and--shit, Zac, even after he screws her over she still likes him. She hasn't come right out and said it but I know she does. Maybe that's what I need to do, huh? Maybe I just need to date a
bunch of women and shit all over them since that seems to be what they like."
"Tay, take it easy..."
Taylor sighed for the third time. "I'm just so--I'm so fucking exhausted and stressed and the whole thing just--it just pisses me off. She doesn't deserve that and he doesn't deserve her and--and I'm just friend-zoned. Over and over again."
"You're only doing it to yourself."
"Then tell me what the hell to do."
"You either tell her how you feel or you let her go."
"No," Taylor said adamantly. "Absolutely not an option."
"Then I don't know," Zac said. "I'm sorry this is happening to you but I don't think I can help you any further than that."
Isaac had to admit, his brother's worse stung him a little. He knew what people thought of him. He knew what his family thought of him. And, sadly, none of these people were wrong. He knew that. But it still didn't keep the words from stinging to hear them out loud, especially from someone you were so close to.
But, no matter. He had bigger fish to fry.
In a way, Isaac felt bad. Taylor was his brother and he loved him. He wouldn't do anything to deliberately hurt him. But he'd said so himself, Winn wasn't interested in him like that, but she was interested in Isaac. And really all he was getting out of the entire exchange was that he might still have a shot. How he chose to take that shot was the big question.
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After work one night, Winn got a wild hair and she ended up at the public library in downtown Tulsa. She couldn't remember the last time she'd been in a library, much less had time to read, but she missed it so. There was something so comforting about all those shelves full of books and the safe, quiet corners where you could curl up and lose yourself in them. Under one roof were literally thousands of ways to get yourself out of the reality you were in and travel into a whole new world and be a whole different person. Having a book in your hand was almost better than having a time machine or a teleportation device. There was nothing quite like getting lost in a book and inside your own imagination.
Winn found herself in her favorite guilty pleasure section: Romance. There was nothing quite like a good, timeless, classic romance novel to remind you that you still had a beating heart inside your chest. There was something slightly creepy and slightly peaceful about being in the library so close to closing time. All libraries were the same at that time of the night. Nearly empty, eerily quiet, blissfully peaceful.
Winn smiled as she pulled an old favorite off the library shelf and was consequently startled when she saw Isaac's face, reading glasses atop his nose, on the other side of the shelf.
"Ike, what the hell are you doing?" She hissed.
Wordlessly, he shoved a black, velvet box at her over the books and she looked at it incredulously and shoved it back at him.
He looked at the box, confused, and shoved it back at her.
"I don't want it!" She hissed.
"Will you at least look at it?"
"No."
Sighing, he took the box back in his hand and turned to walk away. Breathing a sigh of relief that she had run him off, she looked down and flipped through the book in her hand, her heart pounding a mile a minute.
Suddenly she looked up and he was standing at the end of the aisle, his arm propped above his head against the book stack. Winn had to gasp at the sight of him and how incredibly sexy he looked. He was in his usual uniform of a black suit with a white button-down shirt, except tonight he wore no tie and the top of his shirt lay open, revealing a sexy glimpse of skin underneath it. The reading glasses on his face set it off for her. Her
body was already responding to the sight of him in ways that her mind wasn't ready for. Her mind still hated him. Her body wanted him so bad, it was insane.
She sucked in her breath and straightened her spine. "Did you follow me here? Because if you did, that is sick. And creepy and insane..."
"You wouldn't return my calls...my texts...what choice did you leave me?"
"So you stalk me?"
"You're talking to me, aren't you?"
"Because you trapped me," she spat.
"Is that so bad?"
Winn glared at him.
He lifted his head and looked around at their surroundings. "You know these places are practically obsolete. Who needs books when you can get everything you want on a single electronic device?"
"I don't have one of those," Winn replied, now holding on to the library book for dear life. "I don't like them."
"Neither do I," he said nonchalantly. "They're too much hassle. There's just something about a book." He paused and pulled a random book off the shelf next to him and listlessly leafed through it. "The way they smell, the way they feel in your hands...and getting yourself lost in one is a feeling incomparable to anything else in the world."
"That's, um, that's why I love them," she said quietly.
"I figured as much." He leafed through the book a time more, adjusted his glasses when he landed on a page, and then closed the book seconds later. "I'm intrigued," he said, waving the book in the air. "That I found you in the romance section of the library. The classics, it seems. See, the other thing I love so much about books is that they give you the opportunity to live vicariously through the things you don't have--or the things you
think you can't have--and as you read, you've seemingly satisfied that part of your life that you're missing. Until it ends. And then you're back to square one--still alone, still empty, still without. Books are only a temporary retreat from real life, Winn. And, interestingly enough, you picked romance. And yet here you stand, trying to push me away when I'm willing to offer you the real thing. Surely you see the irony here."
Winn's chest heaved with her breathing. She had no idea what to feel or think about his words. Should she be offended? Swept off her feet? He was completely and totally right--mostly. She then scowled at him. "There's nothing you can offer me that's even close to sincere. How dare you stand there and have the audacity to say you're willing to offer me a real romance? You don't know real romance. You only know how to dress it up and make it look like real romance. That's not the same."
Finally, Isaac sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose under his glasses in defeat. "I'm not the same, Winn. I don't feel the same, I haven't BEEN the same since I met you--"
"Could have fooled me," she muttered.
He lowered his arm and crossed them both over his chest as he leaned against the stack. "I fucked up, Winn. I fucked up bad, I know I did, I hurt you. And I'm sorry. I am so sorry, you didn't deserve it. And I'm--this--apologizing, it's--it's really taking a lot for me to do this. I don't--I just--I don't know what to do. I'm lost."
"For starters, how about not bringing your random floozies to dinner mere days after a woman, who has opened herself up to you and made herself completely vulnerable, spends a weekend in your bed, believing every lie you've told her? You can start with THAT."
"That was a mistake--"
"I seriously can't believe you. I can't believe you actually have the audacity to stand here and beg me for forgiveness when--"
"I'm not asking you for forgiveness. I don't expect you to forgive me. I'm asking for your patience. I want a chance--"
"Are you aware of just how many chances you've had? You can only screw me over so much. And some of the things you said to me at Thanksgiving were completely appalling--"
"I know--"
"And--and you--you said all these things, you said you wanted to make a change, you wanted to be a one-woman man and that I--"
"I never made any promises to you," Isaac suddenly said matter-of-factly. "I didn't even specifically mean you--"
Winn threw her book at him and he barely caught it, nearly fumbling it, his eyes widening in shock. "Goddammit, Ike, are you serious? Your exact words were, AND I QUOTE, 'What if I wanted to try being a one-woman man?' "
Isaac opened his mouth to speak, but Winn held her hand up to stop him. "I'm not done," she said. "And then you followed that with, 'I want you along for the journey.' I mean, you were talking to me, right? I WAS the only one in your bed that night, correct?"
His mouth dropped open and he began to stutter his words. "Winn, I--I--"
Winn shook her head and started to shove past him, grabbing the library book from his hand. "You're so full of shit, you can't even keep up with your own lies."
Isaac caught her arm as she attempted to pass and he pulled her back in front of him. "Then help me."
"Why should I?"
"Because I need you. And I haven't needed anyone in a very long time. I want to make a change. I really do. I was telling you the truth when I said that to you. I swear to you, I didn't say anything to you that night that wasn't the truth."
Winn jerked her arm from his grip, silently fighting her own body. Being in that close of a proximity to him, smelling his aftershave, feeling his breath on her skin, was enough to be her demise. She had to be strong. He was in the wrong, she couldn't give in. "Why? Why me?"
"Because you tell me no. Nobody ever tells me no. I need someone to tell me no. Because you--you sleep in my bed with a shirt on and you go down on me and don't allow me to return the favor. You call me pretentious and you throw my flowers in the garbage. And quite frankly, nobody's ever thrown two thousand dollars worth of jewelry back in my face before. Especially not without looking at it first. That was a new one." He stepped closer to her and he lowered his voice. "But most of all, you completely humiliated me in front of my entire family. And I didn't think I deserved it until later that night when I had time to think about it. So I did think about it and you know what? To be honest, I've never
been more turned on in my entire life. At first I thought the chase was fun, Winn, but now it's really just killing me. You're going to be the death of me, do you know that? I can feel it."
Winn caught herself gazing up into his eyes, speechless by his words. Was it true? Was he being honest? Could she even trust him? Because god knew she wanted to. She began to back away and he took a step toward her. "Stay away from me," she said meekly.
"I know you miss me," he replied quietly.
"You know nothing."
"I know you think about me," he said as he continuously backed her into the corner. "I know you sit up and you think about my arms around your body, my lips on yours--it's all over your face, Winn. Don't deny it."
"My physical attraction to you means nothing..."
"You don't mean that."
"Yes, I do."
"So, okay. I fucked up. I'm an asshole and I'm a douche bag. I get it. But you don't have to get emotionally involved. I'm not asking you to love me. You don't even have to like me. I'm just asking you to let your body have what you know it wants." He backed her up farther until she finally found herself with her back against the stack, trapped, with nowhere else to go. He leaned in closer to her, his voice even lower now. "Don't pretend like you're not the least bit turned on right now, being here, tucked away in this corner, quiet, alone..."
She swallowed hard and made one half-assed, last-ditch effort to save what was left of her dignity. "I said stay away..."
Finally, he closed in and slid one of his hands onto her waist. As he slid his hand downward, he thumbed the material against her hip. "You're trembling."
"You're invading my personal space," she whispered.
"You want me."
"I want you to leave me alone."
Isaac, then, leaned in and gently kissed her on the cheek, close to her ear. And then he whispered, his breath tickling her ear and sending chills down her spine, "One of these days we're going to meet here again and I'm going to fuck you right here against one of these stacks."
Winn was speechless. Stunned. She could only stare back at him in wide-eyed shock.
Isaac searched her eyes before he brought his hand from her hip and swept his thumb softly across her lips. "I'm going to leave you alone now. Don't follow me."
With that, Isaac turned around and walked away. As he disappeared down the aisle and out of sight, Winn stared after him, completely bewildered. Her chest heaved in nervousness and anticipation and all around sexual excitement and oppression. What had just happened here? He he won? Had she silently forgiven him? And did he know it?
What he DID know was how irresistible he was to her. That wasn't good.
In spite of herself, Winn whipped around and looked up at the stacks behind her. She was ashamed of herself, knowing that she was observing how sturdy and stable they appeared to be...
**************
Late that night, in bed alone, Winn lay there in the dark and stared up into the blackness of her room. She couldn't stop thinking about Isaac and the way he'd stalked her at the library. The way he looked in his reading glasses and the way he propped himself against the library stacks and the way his voice sounded as he skillfully seduced her...she ached in need for him.
She reached her hand out and clicked on her bedside lamp and stared at the table for a moment in thought. She hadn't done it in a long, long time, but now seemed as good a time as any. She opened up the drawer and felt her hand around the various battery-operated devices that she stored in there. She hoped the one she chose wasn't out of batteries and, thankfully, it wasn't.
She then tucked her arms underneath the covers, slid her panties off, and began to pleasure herself, losing herself in battery-operated bliss. When she closed her eyes, she thought of Isaac. She heard his voice, she felt his hands on her body, his mouth and his hands all over her breasts like they were two weekends ago...
Then she turned her head and her eyes flashed open, landing on her cell phone, which also lay on the bedside table. She stared at it for a moment before the corners of her mouth turned up and she stopped what she was doing to reach out and grab it. She took her phone, clicked through a few settings and then set it to record, turning herself on once again with the devious act that she was about to perform. As she set the
phone where she wanted it, she hit the record button and went back to work on herself and, within minutes, she had recorded her own orgasm and proceeded to text the audio to Isaac. That should teach him to mess with her hormones the way he had.
Sexually satisfied with herself and feeling deliciously vengeful, she then set her volume to silent, lay the phone back on the table, and put herself to sleep for the night.
By the next morning, when she woke up, Isaac had blown up her phone. All night long.
Regret. Remorse. Responsibility. Respect.
Isaac was beginning to hate the letter R. He hated the way those words made him feel. He hated feeling at all. He longed for the days when he didn't have to care. When he didn't think twice about any of his actions and the women were as easily disposable as they were forgettable.
But Winn made him feel things. It had been years since a woman had made him feel anything real and even then he didn't know what was real and what wasn't. But he was an adult and he wasn't entirely heartless--this he knew with unfortunate regret. And the truth was, he'd done something stupid and he'd hurt and disrespected Winn and he didn't like the way that felt. He liked Winn. He might even venture to say he cared a little bit. Maybe he couldn't keep his mind off of her and the remorse and regret he'd felt for his actions. There were those R's again. What happened to his easy life in the fast lane? Where had it all gone?
He WANTED to make it up to her. But how in the hell would he get himself out of this one? She wouldn't have anything to do with him, which he knew he deserved but he just wasn't finished with her yet. He thought about her all the time, watched her walk in and out of her office across the street, constantly checking his phone for messages. He guessed he could have taken it upon himself to visit her office but he was afraid of making anything worse. Isaac never NOT had an answer before. Or a remedy. And he needed one, fast, to save his own sanity.
Being around Taylor didn't help. He knew that while he'd fucked up, Taylor was off with her, doing whatever and talking about whatever they talked about, further bonding with her and staying in her good graces. One of these days she would fall for him. It was apparent at Thanksgiving that they had something special and it wasn't like Isaac was purposely setting out to ruin anything but he wanted to take Winn for himself while she was still innocent and oblivious to it. Isaac felt like an asshole for trying to take his brother's happiness away, but if she didn't have feelings for Taylor like that, then she didn't have them, but he KNEW that she had some sort of feelings for him or else she wouldn't have been so upset at Stacey's presence at Thanksgiving.
And how about Taylor bringing Winn to Thanksgiving at all? That was news to everybody. Did he do it on purpose? Deep down Isaac knew that he probably hadn't but he couldn't help but wonder anyway. It was hard to wonder if anything Taylor said or did lately was out of malice or not. His younger brother was changing and Isaac had to admit, he himself wasn't responding to it as maturely as he knew he should have been.
Walking through the studio several days after the big dinner fiasco, Isaac heard his brothers talking in the office and stopped outside the door. He knew eavesdropping was so far down below his level but he couldn't help himself.
"I still can't believe you actually went Black Friday shopping," Zac was saying. "No. Even better. I can't believe you stayed the night with Winn."
Isaac's blood was already boiling.
"First of all, if you think women fighting over drumsticks is craziness, then you've seen nothing until you've seen women fighting over toys. I don't know why Winn loves that shit so much but it scared the hell out of me. As for staying the night, it wasn't a big deal. I slept on the couch."
"You're kidding..."
Taylor sighed. "Not kidding."
"Tay, come on. ALL you gotta do is make the move. It's there, she likes you. I KNOW she likes you. Hell, the entire damn family knows it. Junia already calls her Aunt Winnie, it's crazy--"
"Zac..." Taylor said with warning in his voice.
"I know, I know, we're trying to correct it. It hasn't been easy."
Taylor sighed again. "She told me she loved me--"
"Tay! Man! That's fantastic!"
"And then she friend-zoned me. She loves me and then she friend-zones me."
"Oh man," Zac said, disappointment in his voice. "Friend-zoned you? I mean, are you sure that's what it was? Are you sure you didn't misunderstand--?"
"No, she clarified herself. Not ONLY did she clarify herself, she specifically went out of her WAY to clarify herself. Twice. I think..."
"Aw man," Zac repeated. "That's--that's a bummer, man, I'm sorry..."
"Strictly platonic. That's it."
"Did you say it back?"
"No."
"At all?"
"I told her I cared..."
"Tay, I'm telling you. Seriously. TELL HER HOW YOU FEEL. I promise, she won't reject you."
"She likes Ike. Okay? She--I don't know what the hell she sees in him but weren't my exact words the first time he saw her not, 'Now I don't have a chance in hell?' Well, I was right. I don't. And now I'm friend-zoned and he's in the hot seat and--shit, Zac, even after he screws her over she still likes him. She hasn't come right out and said it but I know she does. Maybe that's what I need to do, huh? Maybe I just need to date a
bunch of women and shit all over them since that seems to be what they like."
"Tay, take it easy..."
Taylor sighed for the third time. "I'm just so--I'm so fucking exhausted and stressed and the whole thing just--it just pisses me off. She doesn't deserve that and he doesn't deserve her and--and I'm just friend-zoned. Over and over again."
"You're only doing it to yourself."
"Then tell me what the hell to do."
"You either tell her how you feel or you let her go."
"No," Taylor said adamantly. "Absolutely not an option."
"Then I don't know," Zac said. "I'm sorry this is happening to you but I don't think I can help you any further than that."
Isaac had to admit, his brother's worse stung him a little. He knew what people thought of him. He knew what his family thought of him. And, sadly, none of these people were wrong. He knew that. But it still didn't keep the words from stinging to hear them out loud, especially from someone you were so close to.
But, no matter. He had bigger fish to fry.
In a way, Isaac felt bad. Taylor was his brother and he loved him. He wouldn't do anything to deliberately hurt him. But he'd said so himself, Winn wasn't interested in him like that, but she was interested in Isaac. And really all he was getting out of the entire exchange was that he might still have a shot. How he chose to take that shot was the big question.
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After work one night, Winn got a wild hair and she ended up at the public library in downtown Tulsa. She couldn't remember the last time she'd been in a library, much less had time to read, but she missed it so. There was something so comforting about all those shelves full of books and the safe, quiet corners where you could curl up and lose yourself in them. Under one roof were literally thousands of ways to get yourself out of the reality you were in and travel into a whole new world and be a whole different person. Having a book in your hand was almost better than having a time machine or a teleportation device. There was nothing quite like getting lost in a book and inside your own imagination.
Winn found herself in her favorite guilty pleasure section: Romance. There was nothing quite like a good, timeless, classic romance novel to remind you that you still had a beating heart inside your chest. There was something slightly creepy and slightly peaceful about being in the library so close to closing time. All libraries were the same at that time of the night. Nearly empty, eerily quiet, blissfully peaceful.
Winn smiled as she pulled an old favorite off the library shelf and was consequently startled when she saw Isaac's face, reading glasses atop his nose, on the other side of the shelf.
"Ike, what the hell are you doing?" She hissed.
Wordlessly, he shoved a black, velvet box at her over the books and she looked at it incredulously and shoved it back at him.
He looked at the box, confused, and shoved it back at her.
"I don't want it!" She hissed.
"Will you at least look at it?"
"No."
Sighing, he took the box back in his hand and turned to walk away. Breathing a sigh of relief that she had run him off, she looked down and flipped through the book in her hand, her heart pounding a mile a minute.
Suddenly she looked up and he was standing at the end of the aisle, his arm propped above his head against the book stack. Winn had to gasp at the sight of him and how incredibly sexy he looked. He was in his usual uniform of a black suit with a white button-down shirt, except tonight he wore no tie and the top of his shirt lay open, revealing a sexy glimpse of skin underneath it. The reading glasses on his face set it off for her. Her
body was already responding to the sight of him in ways that her mind wasn't ready for. Her mind still hated him. Her body wanted him so bad, it was insane.
She sucked in her breath and straightened her spine. "Did you follow me here? Because if you did, that is sick. And creepy and insane..."
"You wouldn't return my calls...my texts...what choice did you leave me?"
"So you stalk me?"
"You're talking to me, aren't you?"
"Because you trapped me," she spat.
"Is that so bad?"
Winn glared at him.
He lifted his head and looked around at their surroundings. "You know these places are practically obsolete. Who needs books when you can get everything you want on a single electronic device?"
"I don't have one of those," Winn replied, now holding on to the library book for dear life. "I don't like them."
"Neither do I," he said nonchalantly. "They're too much hassle. There's just something about a book." He paused and pulled a random book off the shelf next to him and listlessly leafed through it. "The way they smell, the way they feel in your hands...and getting yourself lost in one is a feeling incomparable to anything else in the world."
"That's, um, that's why I love them," she said quietly.
"I figured as much." He leafed through the book a time more, adjusted his glasses when he landed on a page, and then closed the book seconds later. "I'm intrigued," he said, waving the book in the air. "That I found you in the romance section of the library. The classics, it seems. See, the other thing I love so much about books is that they give you the opportunity to live vicariously through the things you don't have--or the things you
think you can't have--and as you read, you've seemingly satisfied that part of your life that you're missing. Until it ends. And then you're back to square one--still alone, still empty, still without. Books are only a temporary retreat from real life, Winn. And, interestingly enough, you picked romance. And yet here you stand, trying to push me away when I'm willing to offer you the real thing. Surely you see the irony here."
Winn's chest heaved with her breathing. She had no idea what to feel or think about his words. Should she be offended? Swept off her feet? He was completely and totally right--mostly. She then scowled at him. "There's nothing you can offer me that's even close to sincere. How dare you stand there and have the audacity to say you're willing to offer me a real romance? You don't know real romance. You only know how to dress it up and make it look like real romance. That's not the same."
Finally, Isaac sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose under his glasses in defeat. "I'm not the same, Winn. I don't feel the same, I haven't BEEN the same since I met you--"
"Could have fooled me," she muttered.
He lowered his arm and crossed them both over his chest as he leaned against the stack. "I fucked up, Winn. I fucked up bad, I know I did, I hurt you. And I'm sorry. I am so sorry, you didn't deserve it. And I'm--this--apologizing, it's--it's really taking a lot for me to do this. I don't--I just--I don't know what to do. I'm lost."
"For starters, how about not bringing your random floozies to dinner mere days after a woman, who has opened herself up to you and made herself completely vulnerable, spends a weekend in your bed, believing every lie you've told her? You can start with THAT."
"That was a mistake--"
"I seriously can't believe you. I can't believe you actually have the audacity to stand here and beg me for forgiveness when--"
"I'm not asking you for forgiveness. I don't expect you to forgive me. I'm asking for your patience. I want a chance--"
"Are you aware of just how many chances you've had? You can only screw me over so much. And some of the things you said to me at Thanksgiving were completely appalling--"
"I know--"
"And--and you--you said all these things, you said you wanted to make a change, you wanted to be a one-woman man and that I--"
"I never made any promises to you," Isaac suddenly said matter-of-factly. "I didn't even specifically mean you--"
Winn threw her book at him and he barely caught it, nearly fumbling it, his eyes widening in shock. "Goddammit, Ike, are you serious? Your exact words were, AND I QUOTE, 'What if I wanted to try being a one-woman man?' "
Isaac opened his mouth to speak, but Winn held her hand up to stop him. "I'm not done," she said. "And then you followed that with, 'I want you along for the journey.' I mean, you were talking to me, right? I WAS the only one in your bed that night, correct?"
His mouth dropped open and he began to stutter his words. "Winn, I--I--"
Winn shook her head and started to shove past him, grabbing the library book from his hand. "You're so full of shit, you can't even keep up with your own lies."
Isaac caught her arm as she attempted to pass and he pulled her back in front of him. "Then help me."
"Why should I?"
"Because I need you. And I haven't needed anyone in a very long time. I want to make a change. I really do. I was telling you the truth when I said that to you. I swear to you, I didn't say anything to you that night that wasn't the truth."
Winn jerked her arm from his grip, silently fighting her own body. Being in that close of a proximity to him, smelling his aftershave, feeling his breath on her skin, was enough to be her demise. She had to be strong. He was in the wrong, she couldn't give in. "Why? Why me?"
"Because you tell me no. Nobody ever tells me no. I need someone to tell me no. Because you--you sleep in my bed with a shirt on and you go down on me and don't allow me to return the favor. You call me pretentious and you throw my flowers in the garbage. And quite frankly, nobody's ever thrown two thousand dollars worth of jewelry back in my face before. Especially not without looking at it first. That was a new one." He stepped closer to her and he lowered his voice. "But most of all, you completely humiliated me in front of my entire family. And I didn't think I deserved it until later that night when I had time to think about it. So I did think about it and you know what? To be honest, I've never
been more turned on in my entire life. At first I thought the chase was fun, Winn, but now it's really just killing me. You're going to be the death of me, do you know that? I can feel it."
Winn caught herself gazing up into his eyes, speechless by his words. Was it true? Was he being honest? Could she even trust him? Because god knew she wanted to. She began to back away and he took a step toward her. "Stay away from me," she said meekly.
"I know you miss me," he replied quietly.
"You know nothing."
"I know you think about me," he said as he continuously backed her into the corner. "I know you sit up and you think about my arms around your body, my lips on yours--it's all over your face, Winn. Don't deny it."
"My physical attraction to you means nothing..."
"You don't mean that."
"Yes, I do."
"So, okay. I fucked up. I'm an asshole and I'm a douche bag. I get it. But you don't have to get emotionally involved. I'm not asking you to love me. You don't even have to like me. I'm just asking you to let your body have what you know it wants." He backed her up farther until she finally found herself with her back against the stack, trapped, with nowhere else to go. He leaned in closer to her, his voice even lower now. "Don't pretend like you're not the least bit turned on right now, being here, tucked away in this corner, quiet, alone..."
She swallowed hard and made one half-assed, last-ditch effort to save what was left of her dignity. "I said stay away..."
Finally, he closed in and slid one of his hands onto her waist. As he slid his hand downward, he thumbed the material against her hip. "You're trembling."
"You're invading my personal space," she whispered.
"You want me."
"I want you to leave me alone."
Isaac, then, leaned in and gently kissed her on the cheek, close to her ear. And then he whispered, his breath tickling her ear and sending chills down her spine, "One of these days we're going to meet here again and I'm going to fuck you right here against one of these stacks."
Winn was speechless. Stunned. She could only stare back at him in wide-eyed shock.
Isaac searched her eyes before he brought his hand from her hip and swept his thumb softly across her lips. "I'm going to leave you alone now. Don't follow me."
With that, Isaac turned around and walked away. As he disappeared down the aisle and out of sight, Winn stared after him, completely bewildered. Her chest heaved in nervousness and anticipation and all around sexual excitement and oppression. What had just happened here? He he won? Had she silently forgiven him? And did he know it?
What he DID know was how irresistible he was to her. That wasn't good.
In spite of herself, Winn whipped around and looked up at the stacks behind her. She was ashamed of herself, knowing that she was observing how sturdy and stable they appeared to be...
**************
Late that night, in bed alone, Winn lay there in the dark and stared up into the blackness of her room. She couldn't stop thinking about Isaac and the way he'd stalked her at the library. The way he looked in his reading glasses and the way he propped himself against the library stacks and the way his voice sounded as he skillfully seduced her...she ached in need for him.
She reached her hand out and clicked on her bedside lamp and stared at the table for a moment in thought. She hadn't done it in a long, long time, but now seemed as good a time as any. She opened up the drawer and felt her hand around the various battery-operated devices that she stored in there. She hoped the one she chose wasn't out of batteries and, thankfully, it wasn't.
She then tucked her arms underneath the covers, slid her panties off, and began to pleasure herself, losing herself in battery-operated bliss. When she closed her eyes, she thought of Isaac. She heard his voice, she felt his hands on her body, his mouth and his hands all over her breasts like they were two weekends ago...
Then she turned her head and her eyes flashed open, landing on her cell phone, which also lay on the bedside table. She stared at it for a moment before the corners of her mouth turned up and she stopped what she was doing to reach out and grab it. She took her phone, clicked through a few settings and then set it to record, turning herself on once again with the devious act that she was about to perform. As she set the
phone where she wanted it, she hit the record button and went back to work on herself and, within minutes, she had recorded her own orgasm and proceeded to text the audio to Isaac. That should teach him to mess with her hormones the way he had.
Sexually satisfied with herself and feeling deliciously vengeful, she then set her volume to silent, lay the phone back on the table, and put herself to sleep for the night.
By the next morning, when she woke up, Isaac had blown up her phone. All night long.