TURNING THE PAGE
The tears clouded Taylor's vision as he drove down the pitch black road, the stars shining bright above him. When had the sky cleared up? It didn't matter. Nothing mattered.
He didn't care that he cried. He was in the privacy of his own vehicle, where he couldn't be seen or heard and he just didn't care.
He kept replaying those last few moments in his mind, over and over. The way she looked at him, devastated and heartbroken. The way she begged him to stay, her voice trembling with emotion. He hadn't wanted to leave her. He hadn't intended for her to wake up. He knew it was a cowardly move to try to leave her as she slept, but he knew that saying goodbye to her would be unbearable and he'd been right.
How had he let things go this far? How had he managed to convince himself that she might love him? Had he been wrong about his own feelings? Did he know the difference between love and lust? He'd never been in love before. So, really, how did he know what love felt like?
He knew. Love felt like HER. It looked like HER. It sounded like HER. He knew in his heart that she was put on this earth especially for him, but then, why couldn't he have her? Was this a test? Was he missing something?
Had he made a mistake and fallen for the wrong woman?
He turned onto the first on-ramp he saw and merged onto the highway. He had no idea which highway he was on. He didn't know which direction he was going in, he had no idea where he was headed or even if he had enough gas to get to wherever he would end up. All he knew was that he needed to get as far away as he possibly could.
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Winn couldn't cry. She sat there and stared at the front door for what seemed like hours after Taylor walked out of it. What just happened? Did he get spooked? By what, though? Was it something she said? Something she did? Or didn't do?
Had he--had he used her?
No. No, surely not, that wasn't in his nature.
Then what was it? When he said he was willing to risk their friendship, had he already planned this? If he had, then it was cruel. Horrible and terrible and cruel.
And then, in spite of herself, she swooned a little bit. Just a little bit. She was extremely upset and confused, but that one small part in her brain insisted on replaying their passion to her in vivid detail. The sex was amazing. And it felt so natural. And she surprised herself at the way she threw herself at him. She should have been ashamed, but the truth was, she didn't regret a single moment.
Did she? Should she? Look where those moment got her now. The man that used to be her best friend, and claimed to be her soul mate, made love to her and then tried to sneak off into the night like he was some kind of secret lover...
...oh god, Isaac.
Oh god.
This was just too much. Winn's head dizzied with thought and then she grew angry. How dare he? How dare Taylor allow this to go on and then leave her alone to figure out the aftermath? How dare he put her in this position and then leave her to deal with the consequences? Of all the dirty, selfish, underhanded bullshit he could have pulled...
Now that she was good and mad, an emotion that felt better than heartache, Winn marched to her bedroom, turned off her planetarium, and curled back up into her bed.
The bed reeked of him. Her stomach churned with nausea at how much she loved breathing his scent. Winn begged and pleaded for sleep.
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Winn didn't know when she'd fallen asleep. However, she was woken up by a loud pounding on her front door. She rolled over and she stretched as she rubbed the sleep out of her face.
The pounding sounded again.
Suddenly alert, and her heart leaping into her throat, she jumped up and threw on a t-shirt and a pair of pants at the prospect that Taylor may have changed his mind and come back to her.
Stopping to smooth her hair out in the mirror, she darted to the front door and took a deep breath before slinging the door open.
"Merry Christmas, princess!" He exclaimed cheerfully.
The blood drained from Winn's face and she covered her mouth from the shock. "Daddy?" She finally managed to squeak out.
Her father grinned and wrapped her in a bear hug and she broke out into sobs. They grew more intense when she saw her mother standing behind him. "Oh my god, what are you guys doing here?"
As she let her parents inside her house, she hugged her mother for several moments as her sobs started all over again. Her mother held her and stroked her hair. "I've missed you guys so much. Things have been so horrible lately, I don't even know where to start."
"Well, today is Christmas," her mother said gently. "So today we only think happy thoughts. Okay?"
Winn pulled away and looked at her mother. "But the only happy thing that's happened lately is that you're here right now."
"Well...it's Christmas...we're together...how about we make a breakfast casserole together like we do every year?"
Winn smile and wiped her eyes. "I went shopping a couple of days ago. This would be the earliest in the morning that we've ever made one."
Her mother giggled and her father made himself comfortable on the couch. "So, where's Taylor?"
Winn's breath caught in her throat and she turned around and looked at her father, confused. "Taylor?"
"Yeah," he said. "Your boyfriend."
She shook her head, perplexed. "No, I'm--was--am--um, seeing Isaac...you must be getting them confused..."
"Nope. I know who I'm talking about."
"Well--but--but Taylor's not--we're not--we're not even--"
"I wanted to thank him in person for arranging our trip."
Winn nearly fell in the floor. "What?" She whispered.
"Yeah," her father replied, not thinking a thing about it. "He took care of the entire trip. He, uh, he called me earlier this week and apologized for the short notice and then asked if we could make the trip if he made the arrangements. I told him money wasn't the issue and he told me not to worry about anything--"
"This is my gift..." she whispered in realization.
"That's exactly what he said," her father said, grinning. "I thought it was awfully sweet of the boy. That one's a keeper, I'll tell you. Much better than that bum you almost married..."
As his voice trailed off, Winn could only stare at him, frozen in place. "But...I told you I'm seeing Isaac..." she breathed, nearly inaudibly. "At least, I think I am..."
Her father had already taken over her TV when she turned to look at her mother in question. "We flew in last night," her mother said. "But the flight got delayed so it was much too late to make an appearance. So we thought we'd surprise you this morning."
"Um--uh, how long are you here for?"
"We fly out Sunday."
"I have to work tomorrow..."
"It's okay, we have a rental car, we can see the sites. Actually, Taylor had mentioned spending the day--"
Winn shook her head. "That's not gonna happen..."
Her mother looked at her, confused. "What do you mean?"
"It's not...he left. He left, Mama, he's gone. I don't know where he is. And I'm fairly certain you won't be meeting him this weekend."
Her mother's eyes bored into hers in disbelief. "Sweetheart, do we need to talk?"
Winn shook her head. "No. No, we don't, we, uh--um, is it okay if I get in the shower first before we start on breakfast?"
Her mother nodded, hesitantly. "Yeah...yeah, sweetie, you do whatever you need to do. We're not going anywhere."
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The sun had been up for a couple of hours now. Taylor was exhausted and he was sitting in a parking space of the only gas station he could find open on Christmas morning. He was surprised he could keep his eyes open and even more surprised that he was sleepy at all with all the thinking he'd been doing. He'd been on the road for nearly five hours already. He had no idea where he was, he only knew that he was somewhere in Louisiana and how far he'd planned to drive was beyond him.
What good was this even doing him? He'd wanted to drive away to get away but the truth was, he would never get away. Last night had happened. His feelings were there. Hers were...hers weren't there. And whether it was last night or right now, he'd still lost his best friend, if anything. He'd screwed up in suggesting they sleep together but, dammit, in the moment it just felt so right and so natural. It was like the proverbial stars had aligned in his favor and all was finally right with the world.
Until she said, 'I don't know what to do right now.'
How did she not know?
He sighed and looked out the window one more time and fastened his seat belt back over him when his phone rang. Wow, he still had a charge left on it? He picked it up out of his passenger seat and looked at it, his eyes widening. It was Winn. He stared at his phone as it rang in his hand and he just couldn't do it. He couldn't answer. He was sitting in the middle of nowhere in the middle of Louisiana, five hours from home because he decided he couldn't deal with it and only answering the phone would make his entire impromptu trip futile.
He did, however, listen to the voicemail. He couldn't help himself.
"Hey, it's me," she said quietly in her message. "I'm still trying to figure out what happened. Still trying to figure out...I don't know...what I said or what I did to run you off like that. I, um, I really didn't expect that from you and, um, I'm disappointed in you. I thought you were better than that. Anyway, so my parents are here. And they said you're responsible for it, so. I get what you were saying now--about today. I wanted to thank you for making that happen. You'll never know how much it means to me. So, uh, anyway, um, Merry Christmas and, um, yeah. I guess that's it. Goodbye, Tay. I, uh, I miss you. You were wrong about that part. I'll always think to miss you."
And then the message was over.
He wanted to throw his phone out of the car. He wanted to drive down the highway at 80 miles per hour and just let his phone fly right out the window. He wanted to drive far, far away and not exist anymore. He wanted to go to some small, remote location and just be nobody. If he could start his life all over again, maybe he wouldn't feel as horrible as he did right now.
Except that Taylor knew better. The reality was, he would have to go home. And soon. Because, unfortunately, he still had business to take care of and that business was taking place in just shy of a week on New Year's Eve. Damn Isaac and Zac and their bright ideas.
But for now, Taylor started his truck back up and headed back down the highway. Much to his dismay, he headed for the first hotel he could find.
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Winn had successfully avoided all talk about Taylor through breakfast, though how she had managed that, she didn't know.
Her parents had brought her gifts and she felt bad because she had put theirs in the mail a week ago. Her mother, being the fun one, had brought her clothes and her ever-so-practical father insisted that she own a brand new set of cookware, even though she never did any major cooking.
"Well, that stuff you have in there is old and beat up and out of date. Gotta keep up with the times, my dear."
Winn had to giggle at the prospect of her father keeping her "hip to the present."
Now they stood behind her house, gazing out at the lake, her father on his own somewhere, assessing what needed to be done and kept up with around her house.
"So, what's going on?" Her mother asked her as they watched her father walk down to the pier.
"It's, uh, it's not, um..."
"Sweetie, I'm your mother. If you can't confide in me, who can you confide in?"
Winn sighed. "Tay and I--well. Ike, really, Ike and I--oh, Mama, I don't know..."
"Oh, Winnie. You're not seeing them both, are you?"
"NO! I mean--I mean, I wasn't...I mean, no. No, I'm not. I'm not, I'm just--Ike and I, we...we date...sometimes, and Tay...well, he was my best friend, so..."
"Was?"
"Things have become complicated. He's, uh...we're not friends anymore. And Ike's mad at me, so...really, in essence, I have no friends and I've ruined everything, so. I'm ultimately out here alone. And that's what my problem is."
Her mother studied her face and nodded. "You've found yourself in quite a predicament, huh?"
"Yeah."
"So...Taylor goes out of his way to fly your family in for Christmas and then he disappears..."
"Without a trace. Literally. He left last night..."
"And, yet, the man who you claim is mad at you, who you seemingly casually date, is standing on your back porch on Christmas Day. I don't know what that tells you, Winnie, but I know what it tells me."
"What?" Winn whispered in shock as she turned around and spied Isaac walking down her back porch steps. "What is he doing here?"
"I'm gonna walk down to that pier and make sure your father doesn't hurt himself..."
As she watched her mother walk away, Isaac said from behind, "Wow. Not only do I run you off, but I seemingly run...who, your mother? I've run her off, as well."
"Ike--what are you doing here?" She asked, as she turned to face him.
"Hoping to apologize for last night. Maybe spend a couple of hours with you today, but I can see that I'm intruding. I, uh, I called but I got no answer."
"My phone's in the house."
"So. I thought your family wasn't coming?"
"I didn't know they were until a few hours ago."
"Oh," he said, shoving his hands in his pockets. "Well, that's a nice surprise."
"Shock was more like it."
"Look. Um, about last night...I am so sorry for my, uh, my outburst. I didn't mean to upset you and I certainly wasn't trying to ruin your holiday."
She scoffed and looked at the ground. "Trust me, you did NOT ruin my holiday."
"I just--I gotta be honest, Winn, the, uh, the stars don't seem to be aligning the way I thought they were--"
"Interesting analogy."
"The truth is, I live in constant fear that I'm losing you to Taylor. And I just--I need you to tell me I'm crazy. That I'm just out of my mind."
She looked at him for a moment. And then she gazed out at the lake and she thought about it. She thought about last night. She thought about how Taylor left her--how he'd intended to leave her. She thought about her mother's words about how Taylor had disappeared and Isaac was the one who'd stuck around today. She thought about how, despite a hiccup or two along the way, Isaac was good to her. He cared and he showed it. All the signs pointed to him. Why did she continue to question it?
Finally, she answered him. "You're a lunatic," she said, attempting a smile. "You wanna meet my parents? Or is that weird?"
He smiled at her. "It's not weird at all. I'd be honored."
She led him down to the pier and met her parents at the bottom of the hill. "Mama, Daddy, this is Isaac."
Her mother smiled warmly. "It's nice to meet you, Isaac. I'm Linda and this is George. We've heard so much about you."
Isaac smiled. "Good things, I hope."
"Of course."
Her father thrust his hand out at him and shook his hand. "Isaac. Good to know you. If you're anything like your brother, then I expect great things."
Winn wanted to die, apparently right along with her mother. "Daddy!"
"George!" Her mother scolded.
Isaac's back stiffened and his face hardened briefly. "Well, I have three brothers, so..."
"Daddy, what do you think of the pier?" Winn asked suddenly.
"It's in poor condition. It needs serious work." Then he looked at Isaac. "Come here, son. If you're gonna hang around my daughter, let me show you a couple of things you could do to help her out since I can't always be here to do it for her..."
As Isaac and her father walked back to the pier, Winn looked at her mother, helpless. Her mother's face grew stern. "You and Taylor have something going on and HE doesn't know about it," she stated, nodding toward Isaac.
Winn gaped at her mother. She hated how she could read her like a book sometimes. "He and I don't have anything going on--"
"Oh, save it, Winifred, I know you. And I didn't raise you that way."
"Mother, please! It's not what you think! I mean, it's--Ike and I are not in a committed relationship. Okay? We're not--we're not a 'thing'--"
"So you're just sleeping together."
"Do you have to be so harsh about it?"
"I'm just trying to understand just what you're doing with both of these brothers--"
"I'm trying to tell you! Tay and I are just friends. Well, we were. That's all we ever were and then we made some mistakes and now we're not friends anymore. That's it, that's the long and short of it. I'm not--I'm not technically 'messing around' on anyone. Am I?"
"Do you feel like you are?"
"I don't know. It just--it doesn't really matter anymore. Tay's gone and he's not coming back and--and Ike and I have talked about being serious in the future and, I don't know, maybe I wanna try. He's a good man."
"You keep saying Taylor's gone. I'm not understanding. You can't be close friends and just be gone..."
Winn sighed and hugged her arms around herself against the winter chill. "He was here last night. And--and--a mistake happened--which honestly didn't feel like a mistake at the time--and then he said goodbye and he left. He just--he left me, Mama. And, now, standing here watching Ike down there with Daddy is killing me because I feel--I feel SO horrible about it..."
"You have to tell him."
"Do I? We're not committed..."
Her mother sighed. "Do what you want, Winifred. But keeping all these secrets is just going to blow up in your face."
She looked at her mother, ashamed of herself. "I'm a horrible person, aren't I?"
Her mother's face softened as she brushed Winn's hair away from her forehead. "You are not a horrible person. I'm sorry if I made you feel that way. I understand that you're confused and that things are complicated. I think your problem is that you simply want something you can't have while you stand there and keep your eyes closed to what's directly in front of you."
Winn's heart pounded. "What do you mean?"
"Look," her mother said, pointing at the lake. Her father and Isaac were laughing and having an animated conversation. "Your father adores him. I can tell."
Winn's eyes widened. "Are you saying I WANT Tay?" She asked incredulously.
"Well, it's perfectly understandable, sweetheart. The two of you were close and he's gorgeous and--well--arranging for us to surprise you on Christmas naturally makes him the perfect Prince Charming. But he's not here today. And Isaac is. And I can see in his eyes how much he cares for you and I really think you should give him a chance. You never know, he might surprise you."
Winn gazed down at Isaac and her father once more. Her mother was under the impression that she had feelings for Taylor. It was the craziest thing she'd ever heard. It was Isaac with whom she'd discussed a possible future. Isaac whose bed she'd slept in, Isaac who brought her flowers and took her to dinner--all Taylor knew how to do was make her life difficult. No. Her mother was wrong. And maybe right, all at the same time. Why did she continue to hesitate with Isaac? He wanted to be with her. He was handsome and he was sweet and he was incredibly sexy. And he had his faults but, ultimately, he was a catch. Her night with Taylor nagged at her and she couldn't stop thinking about it. She felt guilty for that. But maybe, if she tried really hard, she could get over that with time. After all, time healed all wounds, right?
Of course it did.
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Isaac stayed at Winn's house for much longer than he'd intended. In fact, he was still there when her parents left for the night so that she could get ready for work the next morning.
While he enjoyed her parents, who seemed like good people, he was still plagued by her father's opening statement. 'If you're anything like your brother, I expect great things.' What was that supposed to mean? He thought about it all day and he was thinking about it now.
As she sat next to him on her couch, Winn turned her body toward him and crossed her legs underneath her. "Are you okay?"
He looked at her and studied her face for a moment. "I intruded today."
"What? You did no such thing--"
He nodded. "I did. I should have left so you could spend time with your parents--"
She shook her head in objection. "No. It was absolutely fine, my parents adore you--"
"No. No, it wasn't. You've been tense all day...and apparently I wasn't the correct brother today. I could actually SEE the disappointment in your father's eyes, Winn. I could SEE it."
"Ike...Ike, that's not--"
"It is. Don't lie to me and tell me it's not true."
Winn looked at him for a moment and she sighed, looking down at her hands. "I didn't know my parents were coming because it was a surprise. Tay arranged the whole thing. I didn't find out till they got here. It was, um, it was his Christmas gift to me."
Isaac was silent. And he was pissed off. Taylor had pretty much told him he was out of the running. Done. No more. And then he turns around and does something like this? He flies her parents in for Christmas as a gift? If that wasn't a blatant declaration of love, he didn't know what was.
And Winn was apparently completely blind to the entire thing.
"Where IS Tay? Why wasn't he here today? I mean, if he put all this work in--"
"I dunno," she muttered quickly.
"You don't know?"
"No. I don't know."
"He hasn't called?"
"Have you seen me answer my phone?" She snapped.
"Winn, what is your problem?"
"I don't want to talk about Taylor! Okay? Just shut up about him!"
"No. I am NOT going to shut up about him. Because now that I sit here and REALLY think about it, it occurs to me that someone just doesn't FLY someone else's parents in on a whim and not stick around to meet them. It also occurs to me that today is CHRISTMAS and that I haven't heard from my brother all day long. And YOU were the last one to see him, because I know he brought your phone to you last night. I KNOW you saw him last night. So I'm going to ask you one more time, WHERE is my brother?"
"I DON'T KNOW WHERE HE IS!" She shouted suddenly. Isaac was shocked at the outburst. He wasn't sure he'd ever actually heard her yell before. "Goddammit! Okay? I DON'T KNOW! He came over last night, he dropped off my phone, we talked for a little bit, and then he left. He left me, Ike, he said goodbye. Our friendship is over. For good this time. He literally walked out the door and told me he had no idea where he was going. I called him this morning to thank him for flying my parents in and I got his voicemail. Okay? So stop fucking pressuring me, I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! Between you and him and--and you WONDER why I ran out of the party last night!"
Isaac was dumbfounded as he watched her face turn red with rage and then she jumped off the couch and stormed out the sliding glass door and onto her back porch. He didn't know whether to be concerned for her or Taylor. So he quickly fished his phone out of his pocket and sent Taylor a text. "Are you alive?"
He got the reply almost immediately. "Yes."
"Where are you?"
"Not really sure."
"When are you coming home?"
"Before the New Year's thing."
"And you're safe?"
"Yes."
"That's all I needed to know."
"Good. That's all I was going to tell you."
"Goddammit, Tay," Isaac said to himself under his breath. As much as his brother's absence bothered him, as long as he was alive and safe, he was okay with that. The woman on the back porch in freezing temperatures, however, was a different story.
He stood and he took a deep breath and he opened up the sliding glass door. Turning on the porch light beside the door, he spied her standing on the edge of the steps, looking out into the blackness that would be the lake. "Come inside," he said quietly. "It's freezing out here."
"I like the cold."
"Do you have a blanket and tea?"
"No."
"Then come inside."
"I said I'm fine."
"Please, Winn."
She turned around and looked at him for a moment. Then, finally she gave in and the turned around and came inside while he closed and locked the door behind her.
She stood there and she stared at her Christmas tree and he walked up behind her and wrapped his arms around her. "I know I've said it before, but I love your tree," he said quietly.
"I'm tired of looking at it," she said.
This statement surprised Isaac. "Really?"
She nodded. "Yeah. It's nothing but a jumbled up mess. It's coming down. Maybe later tonight. Or tomorrow after I get off work."
"I assumed you'd be the type to leave it up through New Year's."
"I was. But let's face it, when we wake up tomorrow, Christmas will be over. And I'll be glad for it."
"Winn--that doesn't--that doesn't sound like you..."
"It's me. It's--I mean, seriously, Christmas is for kids. You know? And it's time I grew up. I think I'll sell everything on eBay. My days of superhero underwear and holiday-themed pajamas and second-hand bubble lights are over. I'm thirty years old. It's time I act like it."
"No. No, no, Winn--turn around here." He turned her body around to face him and he lifted her chin. "Those things are who you are. And I happen to be crazy about who you are. Don't--don't go selling off your personality. You don't need to change--"
Winn nodded. "I really do. It's time I ended this chapter in my life and started a new one. I knew who I was for the last thirty years and--and I think she's gone, Ike. I think it's time to find me again. I think I'm in a different place now, I don't know. But I don't think I like me anymore."
"Please stop talking like that, it's crazy."
"It's the truth--"
"Don't change--"
"What if I wanted to start over with you?"
This made Isaac pause and stare at her in thought. "What do you mean?"
"What if--what if I wanted to start my new chapter with you? What if--what if we tried it, you know? What if you and I, we--" She swallowed hard. "I mean, it doesn't have to be right this second, but--you know..."
"You want to be with me?" He whispered.
"I, um, I think we deserve a chance. Don't we?"
He studied her. He studied her hard. And his heart pounded with nerves. "Are you sure this is what you want?"
"Isn't it what you want?"
"Winn--I don't want to hurt you--"
"We can take it slow. It's okay. Like I said, it doesn't have to be right this second. We can go at our own pace--"
"Slow..."
"Yes."
He stared at her some more. If this had come up several weeks before, he wouldn't have questioned it. But something about it now made him uneasy. It just didn't seem right. However, what he wanted was finally right there in his grasp and he may never have another opportunity again to take it.
"Don't change," he said to her. "Please don't. Don't take your tree down. Don't sell your underwear drawer, just--be who you are. Be the woman I can't stay away from. Okay? If I didn't want you just the way you are, I wouldn't be here right now."
"The tree has to come down," she whispered. "I can compromise on everything else, but that tree is coming down."
"Okay," he nodded. "Okay, if you're that insistent."
"So...so are we doing this?"
He took a deep breath and he held her tighter against him. "We're going to try."
"I'm okay with trying."
And then she slid her arms around his neck and she kissed him, the delivery almost desperate. Then he pulled away from her and held her face in his hands. "How about tomorrow night, when you get off work, you hang out with your parents. And then Saturday night, I take us all out to dinner?"
"You're gonna make me wait two whole days to see you again?"
He smiled. "Lunch date tomorrow?"
She smiled back and nodded. "I'd like that."
Okay, then. An interesting day, it had been. His brother had disappeared, he'd unexpectedly met the parents, and potentially scored a new girlfriend--a status which was really still kinda on the table--all on Christmas Day. After all, what would a holiday be in the life of a Hanson without a little drama?
The tears clouded Taylor's vision as he drove down the pitch black road, the stars shining bright above him. When had the sky cleared up? It didn't matter. Nothing mattered.
He didn't care that he cried. He was in the privacy of his own vehicle, where he couldn't be seen or heard and he just didn't care.
He kept replaying those last few moments in his mind, over and over. The way she looked at him, devastated and heartbroken. The way she begged him to stay, her voice trembling with emotion. He hadn't wanted to leave her. He hadn't intended for her to wake up. He knew it was a cowardly move to try to leave her as she slept, but he knew that saying goodbye to her would be unbearable and he'd been right.
How had he let things go this far? How had he managed to convince himself that she might love him? Had he been wrong about his own feelings? Did he know the difference between love and lust? He'd never been in love before. So, really, how did he know what love felt like?
He knew. Love felt like HER. It looked like HER. It sounded like HER. He knew in his heart that she was put on this earth especially for him, but then, why couldn't he have her? Was this a test? Was he missing something?
Had he made a mistake and fallen for the wrong woman?
He turned onto the first on-ramp he saw and merged onto the highway. He had no idea which highway he was on. He didn't know which direction he was going in, he had no idea where he was headed or even if he had enough gas to get to wherever he would end up. All he knew was that he needed to get as far away as he possibly could.
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Winn couldn't cry. She sat there and stared at the front door for what seemed like hours after Taylor walked out of it. What just happened? Did he get spooked? By what, though? Was it something she said? Something she did? Or didn't do?
Had he--had he used her?
No. No, surely not, that wasn't in his nature.
Then what was it? When he said he was willing to risk their friendship, had he already planned this? If he had, then it was cruel. Horrible and terrible and cruel.
And then, in spite of herself, she swooned a little bit. Just a little bit. She was extremely upset and confused, but that one small part in her brain insisted on replaying their passion to her in vivid detail. The sex was amazing. And it felt so natural. And she surprised herself at the way she threw herself at him. She should have been ashamed, but the truth was, she didn't regret a single moment.
Did she? Should she? Look where those moment got her now. The man that used to be her best friend, and claimed to be her soul mate, made love to her and then tried to sneak off into the night like he was some kind of secret lover...
...oh god, Isaac.
Oh god.
This was just too much. Winn's head dizzied with thought and then she grew angry. How dare he? How dare Taylor allow this to go on and then leave her alone to figure out the aftermath? How dare he put her in this position and then leave her to deal with the consequences? Of all the dirty, selfish, underhanded bullshit he could have pulled...
Now that she was good and mad, an emotion that felt better than heartache, Winn marched to her bedroom, turned off her planetarium, and curled back up into her bed.
The bed reeked of him. Her stomach churned with nausea at how much she loved breathing his scent. Winn begged and pleaded for sleep.
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Winn didn't know when she'd fallen asleep. However, she was woken up by a loud pounding on her front door. She rolled over and she stretched as she rubbed the sleep out of her face.
The pounding sounded again.
Suddenly alert, and her heart leaping into her throat, she jumped up and threw on a t-shirt and a pair of pants at the prospect that Taylor may have changed his mind and come back to her.
Stopping to smooth her hair out in the mirror, she darted to the front door and took a deep breath before slinging the door open.
"Merry Christmas, princess!" He exclaimed cheerfully.
The blood drained from Winn's face and she covered her mouth from the shock. "Daddy?" She finally managed to squeak out.
Her father grinned and wrapped her in a bear hug and she broke out into sobs. They grew more intense when she saw her mother standing behind him. "Oh my god, what are you guys doing here?"
As she let her parents inside her house, she hugged her mother for several moments as her sobs started all over again. Her mother held her and stroked her hair. "I've missed you guys so much. Things have been so horrible lately, I don't even know where to start."
"Well, today is Christmas," her mother said gently. "So today we only think happy thoughts. Okay?"
Winn pulled away and looked at her mother. "But the only happy thing that's happened lately is that you're here right now."
"Well...it's Christmas...we're together...how about we make a breakfast casserole together like we do every year?"
Winn smile and wiped her eyes. "I went shopping a couple of days ago. This would be the earliest in the morning that we've ever made one."
Her mother giggled and her father made himself comfortable on the couch. "So, where's Taylor?"
Winn's breath caught in her throat and she turned around and looked at her father, confused. "Taylor?"
"Yeah," he said. "Your boyfriend."
She shook her head, perplexed. "No, I'm--was--am--um, seeing Isaac...you must be getting them confused..."
"Nope. I know who I'm talking about."
"Well--but--but Taylor's not--we're not--we're not even--"
"I wanted to thank him in person for arranging our trip."
Winn nearly fell in the floor. "What?" She whispered.
"Yeah," her father replied, not thinking a thing about it. "He took care of the entire trip. He, uh, he called me earlier this week and apologized for the short notice and then asked if we could make the trip if he made the arrangements. I told him money wasn't the issue and he told me not to worry about anything--"
"This is my gift..." she whispered in realization.
"That's exactly what he said," her father said, grinning. "I thought it was awfully sweet of the boy. That one's a keeper, I'll tell you. Much better than that bum you almost married..."
As his voice trailed off, Winn could only stare at him, frozen in place. "But...I told you I'm seeing Isaac..." she breathed, nearly inaudibly. "At least, I think I am..."
Her father had already taken over her TV when she turned to look at her mother in question. "We flew in last night," her mother said. "But the flight got delayed so it was much too late to make an appearance. So we thought we'd surprise you this morning."
"Um--uh, how long are you here for?"
"We fly out Sunday."
"I have to work tomorrow..."
"It's okay, we have a rental car, we can see the sites. Actually, Taylor had mentioned spending the day--"
Winn shook her head. "That's not gonna happen..."
Her mother looked at her, confused. "What do you mean?"
"It's not...he left. He left, Mama, he's gone. I don't know where he is. And I'm fairly certain you won't be meeting him this weekend."
Her mother's eyes bored into hers in disbelief. "Sweetheart, do we need to talk?"
Winn shook her head. "No. No, we don't, we, uh--um, is it okay if I get in the shower first before we start on breakfast?"
Her mother nodded, hesitantly. "Yeah...yeah, sweetie, you do whatever you need to do. We're not going anywhere."
--------------------------------------------------------------
The sun had been up for a couple of hours now. Taylor was exhausted and he was sitting in a parking space of the only gas station he could find open on Christmas morning. He was surprised he could keep his eyes open and even more surprised that he was sleepy at all with all the thinking he'd been doing. He'd been on the road for nearly five hours already. He had no idea where he was, he only knew that he was somewhere in Louisiana and how far he'd planned to drive was beyond him.
What good was this even doing him? He'd wanted to drive away to get away but the truth was, he would never get away. Last night had happened. His feelings were there. Hers were...hers weren't there. And whether it was last night or right now, he'd still lost his best friend, if anything. He'd screwed up in suggesting they sleep together but, dammit, in the moment it just felt so right and so natural. It was like the proverbial stars had aligned in his favor and all was finally right with the world.
Until she said, 'I don't know what to do right now.'
How did she not know?
He sighed and looked out the window one more time and fastened his seat belt back over him when his phone rang. Wow, he still had a charge left on it? He picked it up out of his passenger seat and looked at it, his eyes widening. It was Winn. He stared at his phone as it rang in his hand and he just couldn't do it. He couldn't answer. He was sitting in the middle of nowhere in the middle of Louisiana, five hours from home because he decided he couldn't deal with it and only answering the phone would make his entire impromptu trip futile.
He did, however, listen to the voicemail. He couldn't help himself.
"Hey, it's me," she said quietly in her message. "I'm still trying to figure out what happened. Still trying to figure out...I don't know...what I said or what I did to run you off like that. I, um, I really didn't expect that from you and, um, I'm disappointed in you. I thought you were better than that. Anyway, so my parents are here. And they said you're responsible for it, so. I get what you were saying now--about today. I wanted to thank you for making that happen. You'll never know how much it means to me. So, uh, anyway, um, Merry Christmas and, um, yeah. I guess that's it. Goodbye, Tay. I, uh, I miss you. You were wrong about that part. I'll always think to miss you."
And then the message was over.
He wanted to throw his phone out of the car. He wanted to drive down the highway at 80 miles per hour and just let his phone fly right out the window. He wanted to drive far, far away and not exist anymore. He wanted to go to some small, remote location and just be nobody. If he could start his life all over again, maybe he wouldn't feel as horrible as he did right now.
Except that Taylor knew better. The reality was, he would have to go home. And soon. Because, unfortunately, he still had business to take care of and that business was taking place in just shy of a week on New Year's Eve. Damn Isaac and Zac and their bright ideas.
But for now, Taylor started his truck back up and headed back down the highway. Much to his dismay, he headed for the first hotel he could find.
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Winn had successfully avoided all talk about Taylor through breakfast, though how she had managed that, she didn't know.
Her parents had brought her gifts and she felt bad because she had put theirs in the mail a week ago. Her mother, being the fun one, had brought her clothes and her ever-so-practical father insisted that she own a brand new set of cookware, even though she never did any major cooking.
"Well, that stuff you have in there is old and beat up and out of date. Gotta keep up with the times, my dear."
Winn had to giggle at the prospect of her father keeping her "hip to the present."
Now they stood behind her house, gazing out at the lake, her father on his own somewhere, assessing what needed to be done and kept up with around her house.
"So, what's going on?" Her mother asked her as they watched her father walk down to the pier.
"It's, uh, it's not, um..."
"Sweetie, I'm your mother. If you can't confide in me, who can you confide in?"
Winn sighed. "Tay and I--well. Ike, really, Ike and I--oh, Mama, I don't know..."
"Oh, Winnie. You're not seeing them both, are you?"
"NO! I mean--I mean, I wasn't...I mean, no. No, I'm not. I'm not, I'm just--Ike and I, we...we date...sometimes, and Tay...well, he was my best friend, so..."
"Was?"
"Things have become complicated. He's, uh...we're not friends anymore. And Ike's mad at me, so...really, in essence, I have no friends and I've ruined everything, so. I'm ultimately out here alone. And that's what my problem is."
Her mother studied her face and nodded. "You've found yourself in quite a predicament, huh?"
"Yeah."
"So...Taylor goes out of his way to fly your family in for Christmas and then he disappears..."
"Without a trace. Literally. He left last night..."
"And, yet, the man who you claim is mad at you, who you seemingly casually date, is standing on your back porch on Christmas Day. I don't know what that tells you, Winnie, but I know what it tells me."
"What?" Winn whispered in shock as she turned around and spied Isaac walking down her back porch steps. "What is he doing here?"
"I'm gonna walk down to that pier and make sure your father doesn't hurt himself..."
As she watched her mother walk away, Isaac said from behind, "Wow. Not only do I run you off, but I seemingly run...who, your mother? I've run her off, as well."
"Ike--what are you doing here?" She asked, as she turned to face him.
"Hoping to apologize for last night. Maybe spend a couple of hours with you today, but I can see that I'm intruding. I, uh, I called but I got no answer."
"My phone's in the house."
"So. I thought your family wasn't coming?"
"I didn't know they were until a few hours ago."
"Oh," he said, shoving his hands in his pockets. "Well, that's a nice surprise."
"Shock was more like it."
"Look. Um, about last night...I am so sorry for my, uh, my outburst. I didn't mean to upset you and I certainly wasn't trying to ruin your holiday."
She scoffed and looked at the ground. "Trust me, you did NOT ruin my holiday."
"I just--I gotta be honest, Winn, the, uh, the stars don't seem to be aligning the way I thought they were--"
"Interesting analogy."
"The truth is, I live in constant fear that I'm losing you to Taylor. And I just--I need you to tell me I'm crazy. That I'm just out of my mind."
She looked at him for a moment. And then she gazed out at the lake and she thought about it. She thought about last night. She thought about how Taylor left her--how he'd intended to leave her. She thought about her mother's words about how Taylor had disappeared and Isaac was the one who'd stuck around today. She thought about how, despite a hiccup or two along the way, Isaac was good to her. He cared and he showed it. All the signs pointed to him. Why did she continue to question it?
Finally, she answered him. "You're a lunatic," she said, attempting a smile. "You wanna meet my parents? Or is that weird?"
He smiled at her. "It's not weird at all. I'd be honored."
She led him down to the pier and met her parents at the bottom of the hill. "Mama, Daddy, this is Isaac."
Her mother smiled warmly. "It's nice to meet you, Isaac. I'm Linda and this is George. We've heard so much about you."
Isaac smiled. "Good things, I hope."
"Of course."
Her father thrust his hand out at him and shook his hand. "Isaac. Good to know you. If you're anything like your brother, then I expect great things."
Winn wanted to die, apparently right along with her mother. "Daddy!"
"George!" Her mother scolded.
Isaac's back stiffened and his face hardened briefly. "Well, I have three brothers, so..."
"Daddy, what do you think of the pier?" Winn asked suddenly.
"It's in poor condition. It needs serious work." Then he looked at Isaac. "Come here, son. If you're gonna hang around my daughter, let me show you a couple of things you could do to help her out since I can't always be here to do it for her..."
As Isaac and her father walked back to the pier, Winn looked at her mother, helpless. Her mother's face grew stern. "You and Taylor have something going on and HE doesn't know about it," she stated, nodding toward Isaac.
Winn gaped at her mother. She hated how she could read her like a book sometimes. "He and I don't have anything going on--"
"Oh, save it, Winifred, I know you. And I didn't raise you that way."
"Mother, please! It's not what you think! I mean, it's--Ike and I are not in a committed relationship. Okay? We're not--we're not a 'thing'--"
"So you're just sleeping together."
"Do you have to be so harsh about it?"
"I'm just trying to understand just what you're doing with both of these brothers--"
"I'm trying to tell you! Tay and I are just friends. Well, we were. That's all we ever were and then we made some mistakes and now we're not friends anymore. That's it, that's the long and short of it. I'm not--I'm not technically 'messing around' on anyone. Am I?"
"Do you feel like you are?"
"I don't know. It just--it doesn't really matter anymore. Tay's gone and he's not coming back and--and Ike and I have talked about being serious in the future and, I don't know, maybe I wanna try. He's a good man."
"You keep saying Taylor's gone. I'm not understanding. You can't be close friends and just be gone..."
Winn sighed and hugged her arms around herself against the winter chill. "He was here last night. And--and--a mistake happened--which honestly didn't feel like a mistake at the time--and then he said goodbye and he left. He just--he left me, Mama. And, now, standing here watching Ike down there with Daddy is killing me because I feel--I feel SO horrible about it..."
"You have to tell him."
"Do I? We're not committed..."
Her mother sighed. "Do what you want, Winifred. But keeping all these secrets is just going to blow up in your face."
She looked at her mother, ashamed of herself. "I'm a horrible person, aren't I?"
Her mother's face softened as she brushed Winn's hair away from her forehead. "You are not a horrible person. I'm sorry if I made you feel that way. I understand that you're confused and that things are complicated. I think your problem is that you simply want something you can't have while you stand there and keep your eyes closed to what's directly in front of you."
Winn's heart pounded. "What do you mean?"
"Look," her mother said, pointing at the lake. Her father and Isaac were laughing and having an animated conversation. "Your father adores him. I can tell."
Winn's eyes widened. "Are you saying I WANT Tay?" She asked incredulously.
"Well, it's perfectly understandable, sweetheart. The two of you were close and he's gorgeous and--well--arranging for us to surprise you on Christmas naturally makes him the perfect Prince Charming. But he's not here today. And Isaac is. And I can see in his eyes how much he cares for you and I really think you should give him a chance. You never know, he might surprise you."
Winn gazed down at Isaac and her father once more. Her mother was under the impression that she had feelings for Taylor. It was the craziest thing she'd ever heard. It was Isaac with whom she'd discussed a possible future. Isaac whose bed she'd slept in, Isaac who brought her flowers and took her to dinner--all Taylor knew how to do was make her life difficult. No. Her mother was wrong. And maybe right, all at the same time. Why did she continue to hesitate with Isaac? He wanted to be with her. He was handsome and he was sweet and he was incredibly sexy. And he had his faults but, ultimately, he was a catch. Her night with Taylor nagged at her and she couldn't stop thinking about it. She felt guilty for that. But maybe, if she tried really hard, she could get over that with time. After all, time healed all wounds, right?
Of course it did.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Isaac stayed at Winn's house for much longer than he'd intended. In fact, he was still there when her parents left for the night so that she could get ready for work the next morning.
While he enjoyed her parents, who seemed like good people, he was still plagued by her father's opening statement. 'If you're anything like your brother, I expect great things.' What was that supposed to mean? He thought about it all day and he was thinking about it now.
As she sat next to him on her couch, Winn turned her body toward him and crossed her legs underneath her. "Are you okay?"
He looked at her and studied her face for a moment. "I intruded today."
"What? You did no such thing--"
He nodded. "I did. I should have left so you could spend time with your parents--"
She shook her head in objection. "No. It was absolutely fine, my parents adore you--"
"No. No, it wasn't. You've been tense all day...and apparently I wasn't the correct brother today. I could actually SEE the disappointment in your father's eyes, Winn. I could SEE it."
"Ike...Ike, that's not--"
"It is. Don't lie to me and tell me it's not true."
Winn looked at him for a moment and she sighed, looking down at her hands. "I didn't know my parents were coming because it was a surprise. Tay arranged the whole thing. I didn't find out till they got here. It was, um, it was his Christmas gift to me."
Isaac was silent. And he was pissed off. Taylor had pretty much told him he was out of the running. Done. No more. And then he turns around and does something like this? He flies her parents in for Christmas as a gift? If that wasn't a blatant declaration of love, he didn't know what was.
And Winn was apparently completely blind to the entire thing.
"Where IS Tay? Why wasn't he here today? I mean, if he put all this work in--"
"I dunno," she muttered quickly.
"You don't know?"
"No. I don't know."
"He hasn't called?"
"Have you seen me answer my phone?" She snapped.
"Winn, what is your problem?"
"I don't want to talk about Taylor! Okay? Just shut up about him!"
"No. I am NOT going to shut up about him. Because now that I sit here and REALLY think about it, it occurs to me that someone just doesn't FLY someone else's parents in on a whim and not stick around to meet them. It also occurs to me that today is CHRISTMAS and that I haven't heard from my brother all day long. And YOU were the last one to see him, because I know he brought your phone to you last night. I KNOW you saw him last night. So I'm going to ask you one more time, WHERE is my brother?"
"I DON'T KNOW WHERE HE IS!" She shouted suddenly. Isaac was shocked at the outburst. He wasn't sure he'd ever actually heard her yell before. "Goddammit! Okay? I DON'T KNOW! He came over last night, he dropped off my phone, we talked for a little bit, and then he left. He left me, Ike, he said goodbye. Our friendship is over. For good this time. He literally walked out the door and told me he had no idea where he was going. I called him this morning to thank him for flying my parents in and I got his voicemail. Okay? So stop fucking pressuring me, I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! Between you and him and--and you WONDER why I ran out of the party last night!"
Isaac was dumbfounded as he watched her face turn red with rage and then she jumped off the couch and stormed out the sliding glass door and onto her back porch. He didn't know whether to be concerned for her or Taylor. So he quickly fished his phone out of his pocket and sent Taylor a text. "Are you alive?"
He got the reply almost immediately. "Yes."
"Where are you?"
"Not really sure."
"When are you coming home?"
"Before the New Year's thing."
"And you're safe?"
"Yes."
"That's all I needed to know."
"Good. That's all I was going to tell you."
"Goddammit, Tay," Isaac said to himself under his breath. As much as his brother's absence bothered him, as long as he was alive and safe, he was okay with that. The woman on the back porch in freezing temperatures, however, was a different story.
He stood and he took a deep breath and he opened up the sliding glass door. Turning on the porch light beside the door, he spied her standing on the edge of the steps, looking out into the blackness that would be the lake. "Come inside," he said quietly. "It's freezing out here."
"I like the cold."
"Do you have a blanket and tea?"
"No."
"Then come inside."
"I said I'm fine."
"Please, Winn."
She turned around and looked at him for a moment. Then, finally she gave in and the turned around and came inside while he closed and locked the door behind her.
She stood there and she stared at her Christmas tree and he walked up behind her and wrapped his arms around her. "I know I've said it before, but I love your tree," he said quietly.
"I'm tired of looking at it," she said.
This statement surprised Isaac. "Really?"
She nodded. "Yeah. It's nothing but a jumbled up mess. It's coming down. Maybe later tonight. Or tomorrow after I get off work."
"I assumed you'd be the type to leave it up through New Year's."
"I was. But let's face it, when we wake up tomorrow, Christmas will be over. And I'll be glad for it."
"Winn--that doesn't--that doesn't sound like you..."
"It's me. It's--I mean, seriously, Christmas is for kids. You know? And it's time I grew up. I think I'll sell everything on eBay. My days of superhero underwear and holiday-themed pajamas and second-hand bubble lights are over. I'm thirty years old. It's time I act like it."
"No. No, no, Winn--turn around here." He turned her body around to face him and he lifted her chin. "Those things are who you are. And I happen to be crazy about who you are. Don't--don't go selling off your personality. You don't need to change--"
Winn nodded. "I really do. It's time I ended this chapter in my life and started a new one. I knew who I was for the last thirty years and--and I think she's gone, Ike. I think it's time to find me again. I think I'm in a different place now, I don't know. But I don't think I like me anymore."
"Please stop talking like that, it's crazy."
"It's the truth--"
"Don't change--"
"What if I wanted to start over with you?"
This made Isaac pause and stare at her in thought. "What do you mean?"
"What if--what if I wanted to start my new chapter with you? What if--what if we tried it, you know? What if you and I, we--" She swallowed hard. "I mean, it doesn't have to be right this second, but--you know..."
"You want to be with me?" He whispered.
"I, um, I think we deserve a chance. Don't we?"
He studied her. He studied her hard. And his heart pounded with nerves. "Are you sure this is what you want?"
"Isn't it what you want?"
"Winn--I don't want to hurt you--"
"We can take it slow. It's okay. Like I said, it doesn't have to be right this second. We can go at our own pace--"
"Slow..."
"Yes."
He stared at her some more. If this had come up several weeks before, he wouldn't have questioned it. But something about it now made him uneasy. It just didn't seem right. However, what he wanted was finally right there in his grasp and he may never have another opportunity again to take it.
"Don't change," he said to her. "Please don't. Don't take your tree down. Don't sell your underwear drawer, just--be who you are. Be the woman I can't stay away from. Okay? If I didn't want you just the way you are, I wouldn't be here right now."
"The tree has to come down," she whispered. "I can compromise on everything else, but that tree is coming down."
"Okay," he nodded. "Okay, if you're that insistent."
"So...so are we doing this?"
He took a deep breath and he held her tighter against him. "We're going to try."
"I'm okay with trying."
And then she slid her arms around his neck and she kissed him, the delivery almost desperate. Then he pulled away from her and held her face in his hands. "How about tomorrow night, when you get off work, you hang out with your parents. And then Saturday night, I take us all out to dinner?"
"You're gonna make me wait two whole days to see you again?"
He smiled. "Lunch date tomorrow?"
She smiled back and nodded. "I'd like that."
Okay, then. An interesting day, it had been. His brother had disappeared, he'd unexpectedly met the parents, and potentially scored a new girlfriend--a status which was really still kinda on the table--all on Christmas Day. After all, what would a holiday be in the life of a Hanson without a little drama?