WHO WANTS TO BE LONELY?
Winn woke up, not really wanting to wake up. However, she had a crick in her neck and her body felt overheated. She had to get up, whether she liked it or not.
When she opened her eyes, her heart started to pound right along with her head. She lay on her side on the edge of the love seat, facing Taylor, her legs tangled up with his. She used his arm as a pillow as it hooked around her neck and his other arm held her close around her waist. Her only saving grace was that they were both still fully clothed, minus their shoes. She felt her body tense up anyway.
Taylor stared back at her, blinking. There was no telling how long he'd been awake. After a moment, he said in a near whisper, "I know what you're about to do. Don't do it."
"I have to," she whispered back.
"No. You don't. Please don't run."
"Tay, I--we--"
"So we had a little bit to drink last night. Nothing happened."
"But--but something did happen. We said things and did things and--"
"Nothing that would have happened if we were sober."
"We just--we can't just use alcohol as a free pass whenever--"
"We're not. We can just--just BLAME it on the alcohol--"
"You know we can't do that."
"So that's it, then. I'm gonna lose you. You're gonna run."
"How do you expect things to be the same? This is twice now--"
"Because our friendship is strong--"
"But I'm not."
They stared at each other in silence for a moment. "Winn," Taylor plead in a whisper.
"I have to go."
As she stood up, Taylor rolled over onto his back and rubbed his face with his hands. As she slid her shoes on and collected her handbag, he sat on the edge of the love seat and looked up at her. "Winn, wait. Come on. It doesn't have to be like this. Let's just--let's just go get coffee or something and talk about it."
Winn froze in place and turned around to look at him. "Are you--are you asking me to have coffee with you?"
His eyes darted around, questioningly. "Uh, yeah..."
"Do you realize that you've never invited me to do anything before?"
"What? Yes, I have--"
She shook her head. "No. You haven't. You've never asked me if I wanted to go anywhere with you. The words have never come out of your mouth."
He looked at her, alarm and confusion in his eyes. "Uh, well--well, I'm asking you. You wanna go get a cup of coffee? Or--or we could just go get breakfast. Do you--do you want to go to breakfast with me?"
Winn's heart pounded. This was all she ever wanted from him, since day one. A simple question. And back then, answering would have been so easy...
But maybe now it was time.
"We look like shit," she said.
He smiled. "But we look like shit together."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
They had walked across the street to the restaurant next to Winn's office. They sat across from each other, a pot of coffee between them, both of them nursing their mugs as if they were their lifelines. They didn't say much. Winn spent most of the time hunched over, trying to fight off the brutal chill in the restaurant air. Taylor had alerted the staff and they'd adjusted the temperature but apparently that hadn't helped her.
When their food finally arrived, they ate in silence. Normally when they shared a meal together they could hardly eat for all the talking. This morning, however, he'd finished off the majority of his plate without having said a single word.
Finally, he broke the silence. "Thank you for coming with me," he said.
"Thank you for inviting me."
The exchange was tense. It was formal and awkward. This wasn't normal.
Taylor sighed. "Winn--Winn, one of these days we're going to look back on this and laugh at how trashed we were. You know? It's just--it's gonna be one of those things."
Winn only looked up at him and shrugged meekly, poking around on her plate.
He watched her for a moment. It was apparent that she wasn't up for talking about last night--at all. And he was pretty confident that he couldn't pull anything out of her. However, her sitting there having breakfast with him seemed to be an accomplishment. Maybe all wasn't lost like last time almost was.
He poured himself another cup of coffee and topped hers off, as well. "So, uh, got any plans for Christmas? You, uh, going home this time?"
"I have to work the day after," she murmured.
"Seriously?"
She nodded.
"So, then that means..."
"I have plans."
He dropped his napkin on the table and sat back in the booth, searching her face. "Really," he challenged.
"Yeah. I have plans."
"Well, I'm all ears."
"It's not--they're my personal plans--"
"Don't make me go through this again."
"You don't have to. Because I have plans."
"You don't have the first plan and you know it."
"That's my business."
"Come to my mom's on Christmas Eve. That's when we all get together. We eat, we drink, we're merry. It's a good time. You'd enjoy it. Very festive."
"Thank you," she said quietly. "But I don't know..."
"Thanksgiving was one thing, Winn, but I can NOT let you spend Christmas alone."
"That's not really your decision to make."
He let out a breath exasperated. "Fine. Okay, then, whatever you say. But the invitation is wide open. It actually comes straight from my mom. And me. You don't even have to go with me, you can just show up on your own, whenever you want. No pressure."
"Thank you," she said quietly.
Then he tried for something on a bit of a smaller scale. "What about this weekend? What's on the agenda this weekend?"
Finally, she sighed and looked up at him, the most activity that had come from her since they sat down. "Ike and I were supposed to have plans, but...I think I might cancel."
Taylor furrowed his brow. "Cancel?"
"Yeah," she continued in thought. "It just--it just feels wrong, after...you know?"
Taylor felt the blow out of nowhere. It stunned him. He finally understood it and he didn't know why he didn't before. He started to wad small pieces of his napkin up between his fingers. "Wow. I, uh, I didn't even think about Ike. I guess when you kept saying you were afraid for things to get awkward, I only thought about us. I didn't take him into account."
"Yeah..."
And then, suddenly, he felt completely guilty. It was one thing to risk his own friendship. But he had also allowed Winn to risk the dynamic in her relationship with Isaac. Which, ultimately, he had no real business being involved in. So, for Winn, the awkwardness of what they'd done went beyond just the two of them. It affected his brother, as well.
He searched her eyes and he thought about Isaac and, as much as it killed him to say it, he said to her, "You know, don't--don't cancel with him. If you have plans, then follow through with them. Don't--don't let last night ruin your weekend."
"Tay..."
"I'm serious," he said, swallowing the lump in his throat. "You should--you should have fun. No worries."
"But--but this doesn't--I mean, I don't want you to--"
"Don't worry about me. I mean, what else were you gonna do anyway, sit at home and twiddle your thumbs?"
She glanced down at the plate that she hadn't touched for awhile now. He knew that the more he spoke, the more awkward it got. "So, uh, you ready to get out of here?" He asked.
Winn nodded silently. Only minutes later, she was pulling out of her parking space in front of her office and Taylor was crossing the street to his own truck. He was beginning to learn that apparently, the woman was always right. He should have listened to her. He shouldn't have coaxed her last night. Because now here they were, the awkwardness in full swing. And now he hated himself for it.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Winn went home, took a shower, and went straight to bed. Never mind that it was just after nine in the morning. She was exhausted, and though the coffee and the food she'd nibbled on had helped, she was still extremely hung over.
She crawled in the bed and closed her curtains, darkening her bedroom, and she flipped on her planetarium. She'd had it constantly set to the shooting stars lately and she wondered when one of the wishes she'd made on them was actually going to come true. Nothing was going right lately, her emotions were all over the place, she felt like she was losing everyone and everything. Between that and how ungodly busy work was and being homesick, Winn was miserable. She hated admitting to herself that she was miserable, seeing as how she scolded Isaac for saying she was not too long ago. But maybe he saw something she didn't. Maybe she was.
Oh, no. Could he tell she was struggling? Could Taylor tell? She wasn't sure how much longer she could deal with it, balancing her friendship with Taylor, her budding romance with Isaac, AND the two brothers' obvious bitterness toward each other. It was all just beginning to be too much. She didn't know how many fake stars it would take to wish on in order to make everything easy again, but she wished on every single one.
She turned off her planetarium and rolled over in the bed. She begged for sleep, but every time she closed her eyes, she replayed last night, as drunk as she'd been. It seemed she could get wasted and forget everything--conversations, surroundings, activities--except that she remembered every single part of his kiss, the way she felt in his arms, the way his hands sent chills through her body when he touched her. Every look, every sound, every breath--she remembered it all. And none of that made anything any easier.
Finally, she drifted off to sleep. She didn't know how long she'd been asleep, and she'd forgotten that her phone was even in the bed with her, when the vibrating near her head woke her up. Sleepily, she looked at her phone, first noticing Isaac's name, then noticing that it was after two, and she swiped her screen. "Hello," she answered, groggy with sleep, her eyes still closed.
"Hey," Isaac said gently. "What, uh, what are you doing?"
"Sleeping," she said.
"Are you okay?"
"I don't--I don't feel wonderful, but I'll survive."
"Are you sick?"
She chuckled weakly. "You could say that. I'm nursing a hangover."
"Oh," he said. "Must have been quite a beer last night."
"And then some." She caught herself and then she caught the tone of his voice and she made herself more alert. She opened her eyes and slowly sat up in the bed. "So how was the game?"
"We lost. We put up a good fight, though."
"I'm sorry."
"Nah. It's just a game. So, uh, I was calling to follow up on my invitation from last night, but it sounds like you're not really feeling up to it, so--"
Quickly remembering Taylor's words at breakfast, and completely questioning why her mind even went that way at all, she cut him off. "Well, now--hold on. I mean, I didn't say no...I mean, I--I'm sure I'll feel better here in a little bit. If--I mean, if you still want me to come, I will. I'll, uh, I'll bring an overnight bag..."
"Really?"
"Yeah."
"I really want to see you."
She couldn't help but smile. "I figured you'd be sick of me by now with as much time as we've spent together this week."
"We've spent so much time together because it's never enough."
Her mouth hung open for a moment, speechless. She wanted to think that was sweet. She wanted to melt. Except that didn't explain how awkward Thursday had been. She decided not to read too much into it. That only got her in trouble.
"Yeah," she said, finally. "Yeah, I'll come over tonight. I'll, um, I'll go ahead and start getting up and around. What time is good for you?"
"Uh, I'm home right now, I'm not going anywhere. Whenever you want to come over is fine with me."
She nodded into the phone, not caring that he couldn't see her. "Okay. Uh, yeah, give me a couple of hours."
*********************
Ooh, you look good tonight
Standing there in your own world
Baby, talk to me with your eyes
Before the moment dies
I want to say to you
Time is just passing us by
You keep waiting on something called love
Wake up in the middle of the night
Nobody's gonna make it all right
Who wants to be lonely?
Who wants to be with you tonight?
Who wants to be lonely?
Who wants to be holding you tight?
Open yourself to me
Let me show you what it can be like
Baby, giving it all that you've got
Nothing can hold you back
Some things can stand alone
A mountain can feel no desire
But a heart isn't made out of stone
Wake up in the middle of the night
Nobody's gonna make it all right
Who wants to be lonely?
Who wants to be with you tonight?
Who wants to be lonely?
Who wants to be holding you tight?
I want to say to you
Time is just passing us by
You keep waiting on something called love
Who wants to be lonely?
Who wants to be with you tonight?
Who wants to be lonely?
Who wants to be holding you tight?
A couple of hours turned into several more hours than Winn expected. Between nursing her pounding headache and relieving herself of the bodily functions that haunted you when alcohol got the best of you, she was finally packed, showered, dressed, and standing at Isaac's apartment door.
She had to admit she was slightly nervous. And completely over-dressed, especially in a dress that was hardly her norm. She decided she wanted to look nice for him tonight. Maybe a little dangerous. Her tight, black dress was shorter than she was used to, slightly shorter than mid-thigh. The sheer lace top covered the heart-shaped neckline and capped at the sleeves. It was modest but it was still sexy. She wore her black platform pumps with it, elongating her already-long legs, balled her hair up on top of her head, thickened her eyeliner a little bit, and wore a coat that she left open for effect. As she stood there, with her leather overnight handbag at her side, she would have been more excited about surprising him had the guilt and the memories from last night not continued to override the rest of her emotions.
Isaac opened the door in a white button-down and black pants, his sleeves rolled up above his wrists, no shoes on his feet. He held the door open and looked her up and down for a second before breathing out, "Winn."
"Can I come in?"
Snapping back to reality, he blinked at her and stepped out of the way of the door. "Uh, of course. Please. Yes," he stuttered.
She felt his eyes on her as she stepped in the door. Her eyes darted around his apartment for a moment, trying desperately to ignore the nagging feeling that she should turn around and leave. Her heart was beating with a different rhythm than it used to. It disagreed with her mind. Her mind said this was the way it was supposed to be. Her heart knew it was all a lie.
She chose to ignore her nagging heart.
Aware of herself and the way Isaac looked at her, she carefully sat her bag on the floor by the free-standing rack by the door and then removed her coat and hung it up. She turned around to his eyes boring hungrily into her body. "You look incredible," he said. "What's the occasion?"
She flashed a small smile at him as she noticed the setup on the bar. Empty plates, a couple of glasses, silverware...she walked past him, brushing his hand with hers and she walked around to the other side of the bar and looked at him. "What's all this?"
He slid a hand in his pocket and sauntered toward her. "I had dinner made. I wasn't quite sure how late you were going to be."
"I'm not terribly hungry anyway."
His eyes stared hard into hers as he stopped across the bar from her. "I am."
"I bought this for you," she said, tugging the hem of her dress down in place.
"Just for me?"
"Yeah."
You couldn't mistake the tension. Maybe Taylor only wanted her when they were drunk. But Isaac wanted her while he was sober and that should count for something. And she couldn't deny, the way he stared at her as if she were his prey turned her on in a way that made her forget the person she was.
He walked around the bar and pulled her tight against him, the aftershave that she liked intoxicating her as she breathed him in. His hands reached down and jerked her dress up around her waist. "It'll never leave this apartment, either," he said, grunting lightly as he hoisted her up onto the bar top.
On either side of her, he reached behind and shoved the dinnerware out of their way, ignoring the glass that had obviously busted somewhere on the floor as a result. He had taken her by surprise and her mouth dropped open just slightly as he used just one hand to tear the black lace from between her legs and pulled it down around her legs, dropping the sexy underwear onto the floor beside him. He draped one of her long legs over his shoulder while the other one bent listlessly into the air and he hooked his hand around it, letting it run up and down as he lowered is head and met her with his tongue.
She sucked in a gasp and bit her lip as a moan escaped her throat. She braced herself with her hands on the bar behind her as she watched him between her legs, her breathing growing heavy and her moans growing more staggered and desperate. "Yes," she breathed. "Yes."
She felt him continue with more intensity and, at one point, his hand left her leg and she felt his fingers inside her. Her eyes closed and her mouth dropped open as her head fell back and her hands gave way to her elbows and even then, her elbows were barely enough to hold her up. She only grew weaker and weaker until finally she couldn't handle it anymore. "Ike," she panted. "Ike, yes. Yes!"
And suddenly, his eyes turned blue. In her mind, as she closed her eyes and felt the ecstasy between her legs, his eyes were blue. Blue eyes watched her, blue eyes beckoned to her. And at that moment, she let herself fall and she allowed it to happen, allowed the blue eyes to take her where she needed to go. She cried out her orgasm in the most desperate of cries, feeling her body shake on the bar top, biting her lip until she calmed herself.
As she came down from it, she sat up and she looked at Isaac, bewildered. As her breathing calmed, she knew she should have felt ashamed. Except that she didn't. She couldn't. She had a problem and she knew it.
As she slid down off of the bar top and stood in front of him, their eyes met each other's. "I've never felt anything like that before," she said to him, breathlessly.
He slid his hands around her waist and pulled her tight against him. "I'm not even finished with you, yet."
"You should be."
"I can't get enough of you."
Before she could think again, his mouth made love to her neck, sending the chills back through her body. She was now on complete, sexual auto-pilot, her hands unbuttoning his shirt. Aggressively, she peeled it back off of his shoulders as she shoved him backward and into the refrigerator behind them. She heard the shaking of glass bottles and jars inside as it moved with the impact, but neither of them cared. She crashed her lips into his, shoving her tongue into his mouth, passion, desperation, and guilt knowing no difference in the moment.
He pulled her dress over her head and dropped it onto the floor, wrapping his arms around her body as his hands trailed along her skin. He slid his hand down to her leg and grew frustrated as he tried to bend it around him, her knee only meeting the refrigerator surface. He then turned her around and shoved her against the refrigerator door and pressed his body aggressively against hers.
His hand wrapped firmly around her neck as he kissed her mouth and then he pulled his lips away just enough to unbutton his pants with his free hand. He unzipped himself and then he picked her up with both of his arms, her legs wrapping around his waist. He entered her without warning and she gasped deeply at the impact. He grunted and he moaned as he slid himself in and out of her, the items in the refrigerator rocking with them and after a couple of seconds she started to enjoy it and she thought she nearly felt her eyes roll into the back of her head.
Her arms wrapped tightly around his neck as his hand squeezed her thigh tightly for support. Her nails dug into the skin on his back and she chose to keep her eyes open, watching his face as his shallow breath warmed her face and the sweat on his brow glistened in the low kitchen light.
And then, just as she was losing herself with him, he stopped and he pulled out. Her eyes widened in objection. "No. No, don't stop."
"I don't wanna come yet," he breathed. "I need you in my bed."
Moments later, they were in his bedroom and he lay her out across the bed, sliding himself over top of her. He rested his forearms on either side of her head as her arms hooked underneath his and he kissed her for a moment before he entered her again. Maybe it was the position, maybe it was the physical closeness they shared, or maybe it was the way she had decided early on to completely lose herself in what she chose to treat as nothing but pure, casual, no-strings-attached sex that made it feel so good, but she lost herself instantly as he fucked her, slowly at first, but then increasing intensity the better it felt.
He breathed in her ear as he lost himself inside her and she knew he was close to his end when he whispered to her, "Are you ready for more?"
"Yes," she answered helplessly. "Yes."
And then he pounded into her, the impact causing her to arch her back off of the bed, her arms leaving his body and her hands gripping the sheets on either side of her.
"That's it," he coaxed her. "That's it, baby, just feel it."
"Ike," she whimpered in a whisper. "Ike..."
"Call my name," he growled as he went deeper, harder...
"Ike," she cried. "Ike, yes!"
"Mmmm," he groaned as she pulsated around him and in a nearly simultaneous moment, he pulled out and came on her stomach, both of them ridden with sweat and heavy breath.
He braced himself above her and looked down at her and smiled. "It's always so hot with you," he said, catching his breath.
Winn was flattered. "I think we broke some of your dishes."
He chuckled, dropping his head. "It's okay. Really, it is."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After they had cleaned themselves up and dressed for bed, Isaac sat up against his headboard and pulled Winn up against him, his legs wrapping around her. He smiled as he watched her pull his new, white down comforter around them. "You really like all this new bedding, don't you?"
"Your bed is so comfortable," she said. "I'm so jealous."
"You can sleep in it anytime you want," he said quietly. "Anytime."
He'd been waiting on the right time. He wasn't sure if now was it, but he knew it would be soon. He was excited. He never thought he'd find himself at this level ever again, but he was ready. He was ready to give Winn his apartment key. It was a huge step and his heart pounded at the mere thought of it.
When she hadn't commented on his invitation to sleep over anytime she wanted, he decided that now wasn't it. But soon. He would do it soon. Earlier that day, he had already gone and had the key made. So he changed the subject. "I know you have to work the day after Christmas," he said. "And I know you're not going home. Why don't you, um, why don't you come to my family's Christmas Eve celebration? With me. Together. You have an open invitation, did you know that? My mother adores you."
"Um...Ike, thank you. But--I just--I don't think it's a good idea..."
Isaac's heart sank. "I think it's a great idea."
"Ike, I just showed up with Tay at Thanksgiving. If I showed up at Christmas with you, do you know what that would look like?"
He tried to think about it from her point of view. And then he sighed. She was right. "You can't spend Christmas alone, Winn. And I know you, I know you'll try..."
"I have no problem with being alone, Ike. It's what I do best. I'm not trying to have some pity party, I genuinely enjoy being by myself."
"Nobody enjoys being alone, Winn."
"I do. I'm secure with myself."
Her words struck a chord with him. A chord he wasn't ready and willing to play at the moment. "Just think about it."
"I might. I might just show up by myself, if that's okay. I picked up a little something for Zac's kids anyway, so. Who knows, maybe I'll make an appearance for an hour or so."
He smiled and he hugged her tighter. "You gotta stay for more than an hour. The Hanson family knows how to throw down. You won't wanna miss it."
She giggled and his heart warmed at the sound. "A festive party full of drunken, disorderly conduct and immoral debauchery? Sounds like my kind of party."
"Hey, it could be if Mac spikes the punch again."
"That sounds so cliché..."
"It really happened. My parents got trashed, it was hilarious."
She giggled again and they were quiet for a moment. Then he said, "Look, Winn, I'm sorry about last night--"
"You have nothing to apologize for."
"I didn't mean to upset you."
"You didn't upset me, why do you insist that you did?"
"Because you just seem so--"
Finally, she broke out of his arms and she turned her body around to face him. "Do you really want to know the truth?"
He nodded. "Yeah, that'd be great."
She sighed. "Ike, the truth is--the truth is, you did hurt my feelings a little. You hurt my feelings when you didn't ask me to the game before you assumed I didn't want to go. You hurt my feelings when I didn't hear from you all day on Friday. Not a call, not a text, not two words, nothing. And then--and then you posted that picture on Twitter and it felt like I'd been replaced--"
He reached out and tucked her hair, which now fell down her back again, behind her ear. "Winn..."
"But it's okay. I got a little...inebriated and...it's okay, I don't want to blame you for--you don't--Ike, you don't have an obligation to me. So in actuality, I really have no right to feel any kind of way about it--"
"But you do. You have every right to--to feel any way you want. About anything."
She looked at her hands and shook her head. "I don't. I really don't." She looked up at him and let out a breath. "You're just so good to me. And--and it was just a stupid basketball game, right?"
"I think it's more than the game--"
"This isn't me," she blurted. "I don't know if you know this or not, but the real Winifred Douglas is a happy person. I've never--well, since the blow-up with my ex, I guess--I've never been in the middle of THIS much drama as I have been since I moved here. I've never been under this much stress, this much pressure--"
"What is it, Winn?"
"It's--I dunno, between you and Tay and--"
"Between me and Tay what?"
"You. Both of you. My friendship with him, my relationship with you, I mean, that's one thing. But the two of you together are stressing me out, I'm not going to lie. And the fact that you're going to be under the same roof together is what's making me apprehensive about spending Christmas Eve with your family."
"That's not really fair--"
"Ike, you could cut the tension with a knife! The two of you--you have problems. Problems that need to be resolved. He's your brother, you can't just let stuff like that fester--"
"It's really not that simple."
"It actually really is. He's your brother. It's that simple."
He looked at her, searching her eyes, trying to mask his own disbelief. She seriously didn't know? She had no idea? Her innocent obliviousness almost made him want to jump for joy, but he thought about what she said. And she was right. She was absolutely right. Isaac and Taylor used to be best friends and where that had gone, he didn't know. But right now, he'd made his decision and it was sitting in the form of red hair and long legs on his bed in front of him. He needed her and he wasn't willing to give her up. Taylor would get over his feelings eventually and they'd be okay again. That was inevitable. What else could he do if she didn't return his feelings? Isaac wasn't willing to give her up on a whim or chance. Things felt too good right now.
"I can behave," he said to her. "No problem. Besides, it's Christmas. Good will toward men, right?"
A small smile crossed her lips. "Yeah, well. We'll see. I'm still not saying I'm coming, though. But we'll see."
*********************
Isaac wasn't sure when they had fallen asleep, but when he woke up to daylight flooding his bedroom as his comforter covered them both, he turned his head and he smiled as Winn slept, curled up into a ball next to him. Waking up next to her was beginning to feel like something he could get used to.
She lay facing away from him and he turned over in the bed and took a moment to listen to her breathe as she slept. He knew she was exhausted and he didn't want to wake her. But the urge to say what he'd wanted to say last night took over him and so he chose to say it, just to get it out. "I know you're asleep and that you can't hear me," he whispered, quiet and soft. "And that's okay. But I just need to tell you--I think I'm falling for you. And one of these days I'm going to make you mine. And I'm gonna make you so happy, you won't ever want to let me go."
She didn't stir, she didn't make a sound, and her breathing never changed its rhythm. And Isaac was okay with that.
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Winn's eyes snapped open. She hadn't been asleep. She'd heard every single word he said. And now terror washed over her in such a way that she'd never felt before. There was no way this could be happening. It was much too soon, she wasn't ready for it. He wasn't allowed to fall for her, she'd told him that. She'd told him that she was bad news, that she was broken. He knew this. And still...
She had to get out of there. She couldn't handle this anymore. Especially not after the dream she'd just woken from. The one where the blue eyes now had a voice. A familiar one. One that said her name and felt like home.
God help her, what was happening to her?
Winn woke up, not really wanting to wake up. However, she had a crick in her neck and her body felt overheated. She had to get up, whether she liked it or not.
When she opened her eyes, her heart started to pound right along with her head. She lay on her side on the edge of the love seat, facing Taylor, her legs tangled up with his. She used his arm as a pillow as it hooked around her neck and his other arm held her close around her waist. Her only saving grace was that they were both still fully clothed, minus their shoes. She felt her body tense up anyway.
Taylor stared back at her, blinking. There was no telling how long he'd been awake. After a moment, he said in a near whisper, "I know what you're about to do. Don't do it."
"I have to," she whispered back.
"No. You don't. Please don't run."
"Tay, I--we--"
"So we had a little bit to drink last night. Nothing happened."
"But--but something did happen. We said things and did things and--"
"Nothing that would have happened if we were sober."
"We just--we can't just use alcohol as a free pass whenever--"
"We're not. We can just--just BLAME it on the alcohol--"
"You know we can't do that."
"So that's it, then. I'm gonna lose you. You're gonna run."
"How do you expect things to be the same? This is twice now--"
"Because our friendship is strong--"
"But I'm not."
They stared at each other in silence for a moment. "Winn," Taylor plead in a whisper.
"I have to go."
As she stood up, Taylor rolled over onto his back and rubbed his face with his hands. As she slid her shoes on and collected her handbag, he sat on the edge of the love seat and looked up at her. "Winn, wait. Come on. It doesn't have to be like this. Let's just--let's just go get coffee or something and talk about it."
Winn froze in place and turned around to look at him. "Are you--are you asking me to have coffee with you?"
His eyes darted around, questioningly. "Uh, yeah..."
"Do you realize that you've never invited me to do anything before?"
"What? Yes, I have--"
She shook her head. "No. You haven't. You've never asked me if I wanted to go anywhere with you. The words have never come out of your mouth."
He looked at her, alarm and confusion in his eyes. "Uh, well--well, I'm asking you. You wanna go get a cup of coffee? Or--or we could just go get breakfast. Do you--do you want to go to breakfast with me?"
Winn's heart pounded. This was all she ever wanted from him, since day one. A simple question. And back then, answering would have been so easy...
But maybe now it was time.
"We look like shit," she said.
He smiled. "But we look like shit together."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
They had walked across the street to the restaurant next to Winn's office. They sat across from each other, a pot of coffee between them, both of them nursing their mugs as if they were their lifelines. They didn't say much. Winn spent most of the time hunched over, trying to fight off the brutal chill in the restaurant air. Taylor had alerted the staff and they'd adjusted the temperature but apparently that hadn't helped her.
When their food finally arrived, they ate in silence. Normally when they shared a meal together they could hardly eat for all the talking. This morning, however, he'd finished off the majority of his plate without having said a single word.
Finally, he broke the silence. "Thank you for coming with me," he said.
"Thank you for inviting me."
The exchange was tense. It was formal and awkward. This wasn't normal.
Taylor sighed. "Winn--Winn, one of these days we're going to look back on this and laugh at how trashed we were. You know? It's just--it's gonna be one of those things."
Winn only looked up at him and shrugged meekly, poking around on her plate.
He watched her for a moment. It was apparent that she wasn't up for talking about last night--at all. And he was pretty confident that he couldn't pull anything out of her. However, her sitting there having breakfast with him seemed to be an accomplishment. Maybe all wasn't lost like last time almost was.
He poured himself another cup of coffee and topped hers off, as well. "So, uh, got any plans for Christmas? You, uh, going home this time?"
"I have to work the day after," she murmured.
"Seriously?"
She nodded.
"So, then that means..."
"I have plans."
He dropped his napkin on the table and sat back in the booth, searching her face. "Really," he challenged.
"Yeah. I have plans."
"Well, I'm all ears."
"It's not--they're my personal plans--"
"Don't make me go through this again."
"You don't have to. Because I have plans."
"You don't have the first plan and you know it."
"That's my business."
"Come to my mom's on Christmas Eve. That's when we all get together. We eat, we drink, we're merry. It's a good time. You'd enjoy it. Very festive."
"Thank you," she said quietly. "But I don't know..."
"Thanksgiving was one thing, Winn, but I can NOT let you spend Christmas alone."
"That's not really your decision to make."
He let out a breath exasperated. "Fine. Okay, then, whatever you say. But the invitation is wide open. It actually comes straight from my mom. And me. You don't even have to go with me, you can just show up on your own, whenever you want. No pressure."
"Thank you," she said quietly.
Then he tried for something on a bit of a smaller scale. "What about this weekend? What's on the agenda this weekend?"
Finally, she sighed and looked up at him, the most activity that had come from her since they sat down. "Ike and I were supposed to have plans, but...I think I might cancel."
Taylor furrowed his brow. "Cancel?"
"Yeah," she continued in thought. "It just--it just feels wrong, after...you know?"
Taylor felt the blow out of nowhere. It stunned him. He finally understood it and he didn't know why he didn't before. He started to wad small pieces of his napkin up between his fingers. "Wow. I, uh, I didn't even think about Ike. I guess when you kept saying you were afraid for things to get awkward, I only thought about us. I didn't take him into account."
"Yeah..."
And then, suddenly, he felt completely guilty. It was one thing to risk his own friendship. But he had also allowed Winn to risk the dynamic in her relationship with Isaac. Which, ultimately, he had no real business being involved in. So, for Winn, the awkwardness of what they'd done went beyond just the two of them. It affected his brother, as well.
He searched her eyes and he thought about Isaac and, as much as it killed him to say it, he said to her, "You know, don't--don't cancel with him. If you have plans, then follow through with them. Don't--don't let last night ruin your weekend."
"Tay..."
"I'm serious," he said, swallowing the lump in his throat. "You should--you should have fun. No worries."
"But--but this doesn't--I mean, I don't want you to--"
"Don't worry about me. I mean, what else were you gonna do anyway, sit at home and twiddle your thumbs?"
She glanced down at the plate that she hadn't touched for awhile now. He knew that the more he spoke, the more awkward it got. "So, uh, you ready to get out of here?" He asked.
Winn nodded silently. Only minutes later, she was pulling out of her parking space in front of her office and Taylor was crossing the street to his own truck. He was beginning to learn that apparently, the woman was always right. He should have listened to her. He shouldn't have coaxed her last night. Because now here they were, the awkwardness in full swing. And now he hated himself for it.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Winn went home, took a shower, and went straight to bed. Never mind that it was just after nine in the morning. She was exhausted, and though the coffee and the food she'd nibbled on had helped, she was still extremely hung over.
She crawled in the bed and closed her curtains, darkening her bedroom, and she flipped on her planetarium. She'd had it constantly set to the shooting stars lately and she wondered when one of the wishes she'd made on them was actually going to come true. Nothing was going right lately, her emotions were all over the place, she felt like she was losing everyone and everything. Between that and how ungodly busy work was and being homesick, Winn was miserable. She hated admitting to herself that she was miserable, seeing as how she scolded Isaac for saying she was not too long ago. But maybe he saw something she didn't. Maybe she was.
Oh, no. Could he tell she was struggling? Could Taylor tell? She wasn't sure how much longer she could deal with it, balancing her friendship with Taylor, her budding romance with Isaac, AND the two brothers' obvious bitterness toward each other. It was all just beginning to be too much. She didn't know how many fake stars it would take to wish on in order to make everything easy again, but she wished on every single one.
She turned off her planetarium and rolled over in the bed. She begged for sleep, but every time she closed her eyes, she replayed last night, as drunk as she'd been. It seemed she could get wasted and forget everything--conversations, surroundings, activities--except that she remembered every single part of his kiss, the way she felt in his arms, the way his hands sent chills through her body when he touched her. Every look, every sound, every breath--she remembered it all. And none of that made anything any easier.
Finally, she drifted off to sleep. She didn't know how long she'd been asleep, and she'd forgotten that her phone was even in the bed with her, when the vibrating near her head woke her up. Sleepily, she looked at her phone, first noticing Isaac's name, then noticing that it was after two, and she swiped her screen. "Hello," she answered, groggy with sleep, her eyes still closed.
"Hey," Isaac said gently. "What, uh, what are you doing?"
"Sleeping," she said.
"Are you okay?"
"I don't--I don't feel wonderful, but I'll survive."
"Are you sick?"
She chuckled weakly. "You could say that. I'm nursing a hangover."
"Oh," he said. "Must have been quite a beer last night."
"And then some." She caught herself and then she caught the tone of his voice and she made herself more alert. She opened her eyes and slowly sat up in the bed. "So how was the game?"
"We lost. We put up a good fight, though."
"I'm sorry."
"Nah. It's just a game. So, uh, I was calling to follow up on my invitation from last night, but it sounds like you're not really feeling up to it, so--"
Quickly remembering Taylor's words at breakfast, and completely questioning why her mind even went that way at all, she cut him off. "Well, now--hold on. I mean, I didn't say no...I mean, I--I'm sure I'll feel better here in a little bit. If--I mean, if you still want me to come, I will. I'll, uh, I'll bring an overnight bag..."
"Really?"
"Yeah."
"I really want to see you."
She couldn't help but smile. "I figured you'd be sick of me by now with as much time as we've spent together this week."
"We've spent so much time together because it's never enough."
Her mouth hung open for a moment, speechless. She wanted to think that was sweet. She wanted to melt. Except that didn't explain how awkward Thursday had been. She decided not to read too much into it. That only got her in trouble.
"Yeah," she said, finally. "Yeah, I'll come over tonight. I'll, um, I'll go ahead and start getting up and around. What time is good for you?"
"Uh, I'm home right now, I'm not going anywhere. Whenever you want to come over is fine with me."
She nodded into the phone, not caring that he couldn't see her. "Okay. Uh, yeah, give me a couple of hours."
*********************
Ooh, you look good tonight
Standing there in your own world
Baby, talk to me with your eyes
Before the moment dies
I want to say to you
Time is just passing us by
You keep waiting on something called love
Wake up in the middle of the night
Nobody's gonna make it all right
Who wants to be lonely?
Who wants to be with you tonight?
Who wants to be lonely?
Who wants to be holding you tight?
Open yourself to me
Let me show you what it can be like
Baby, giving it all that you've got
Nothing can hold you back
Some things can stand alone
A mountain can feel no desire
But a heart isn't made out of stone
Wake up in the middle of the night
Nobody's gonna make it all right
Who wants to be lonely?
Who wants to be with you tonight?
Who wants to be lonely?
Who wants to be holding you tight?
I want to say to you
Time is just passing us by
You keep waiting on something called love
Who wants to be lonely?
Who wants to be with you tonight?
Who wants to be lonely?
Who wants to be holding you tight?
A couple of hours turned into several more hours than Winn expected. Between nursing her pounding headache and relieving herself of the bodily functions that haunted you when alcohol got the best of you, she was finally packed, showered, dressed, and standing at Isaac's apartment door.
She had to admit she was slightly nervous. And completely over-dressed, especially in a dress that was hardly her norm. She decided she wanted to look nice for him tonight. Maybe a little dangerous. Her tight, black dress was shorter than she was used to, slightly shorter than mid-thigh. The sheer lace top covered the heart-shaped neckline and capped at the sleeves. It was modest but it was still sexy. She wore her black platform pumps with it, elongating her already-long legs, balled her hair up on top of her head, thickened her eyeliner a little bit, and wore a coat that she left open for effect. As she stood there, with her leather overnight handbag at her side, she would have been more excited about surprising him had the guilt and the memories from last night not continued to override the rest of her emotions.
Isaac opened the door in a white button-down and black pants, his sleeves rolled up above his wrists, no shoes on his feet. He held the door open and looked her up and down for a second before breathing out, "Winn."
"Can I come in?"
Snapping back to reality, he blinked at her and stepped out of the way of the door. "Uh, of course. Please. Yes," he stuttered.
She felt his eyes on her as she stepped in the door. Her eyes darted around his apartment for a moment, trying desperately to ignore the nagging feeling that she should turn around and leave. Her heart was beating with a different rhythm than it used to. It disagreed with her mind. Her mind said this was the way it was supposed to be. Her heart knew it was all a lie.
She chose to ignore her nagging heart.
Aware of herself and the way Isaac looked at her, she carefully sat her bag on the floor by the free-standing rack by the door and then removed her coat and hung it up. She turned around to his eyes boring hungrily into her body. "You look incredible," he said. "What's the occasion?"
She flashed a small smile at him as she noticed the setup on the bar. Empty plates, a couple of glasses, silverware...she walked past him, brushing his hand with hers and she walked around to the other side of the bar and looked at him. "What's all this?"
He slid a hand in his pocket and sauntered toward her. "I had dinner made. I wasn't quite sure how late you were going to be."
"I'm not terribly hungry anyway."
His eyes stared hard into hers as he stopped across the bar from her. "I am."
"I bought this for you," she said, tugging the hem of her dress down in place.
"Just for me?"
"Yeah."
You couldn't mistake the tension. Maybe Taylor only wanted her when they were drunk. But Isaac wanted her while he was sober and that should count for something. And she couldn't deny, the way he stared at her as if she were his prey turned her on in a way that made her forget the person she was.
He walked around the bar and pulled her tight against him, the aftershave that she liked intoxicating her as she breathed him in. His hands reached down and jerked her dress up around her waist. "It'll never leave this apartment, either," he said, grunting lightly as he hoisted her up onto the bar top.
On either side of her, he reached behind and shoved the dinnerware out of their way, ignoring the glass that had obviously busted somewhere on the floor as a result. He had taken her by surprise and her mouth dropped open just slightly as he used just one hand to tear the black lace from between her legs and pulled it down around her legs, dropping the sexy underwear onto the floor beside him. He draped one of her long legs over his shoulder while the other one bent listlessly into the air and he hooked his hand around it, letting it run up and down as he lowered is head and met her with his tongue.
She sucked in a gasp and bit her lip as a moan escaped her throat. She braced herself with her hands on the bar behind her as she watched him between her legs, her breathing growing heavy and her moans growing more staggered and desperate. "Yes," she breathed. "Yes."
She felt him continue with more intensity and, at one point, his hand left her leg and she felt his fingers inside her. Her eyes closed and her mouth dropped open as her head fell back and her hands gave way to her elbows and even then, her elbows were barely enough to hold her up. She only grew weaker and weaker until finally she couldn't handle it anymore. "Ike," she panted. "Ike, yes. Yes!"
And suddenly, his eyes turned blue. In her mind, as she closed her eyes and felt the ecstasy between her legs, his eyes were blue. Blue eyes watched her, blue eyes beckoned to her. And at that moment, she let herself fall and she allowed it to happen, allowed the blue eyes to take her where she needed to go. She cried out her orgasm in the most desperate of cries, feeling her body shake on the bar top, biting her lip until she calmed herself.
As she came down from it, she sat up and she looked at Isaac, bewildered. As her breathing calmed, she knew she should have felt ashamed. Except that she didn't. She couldn't. She had a problem and she knew it.
As she slid down off of the bar top and stood in front of him, their eyes met each other's. "I've never felt anything like that before," she said to him, breathlessly.
He slid his hands around her waist and pulled her tight against him. "I'm not even finished with you, yet."
"You should be."
"I can't get enough of you."
Before she could think again, his mouth made love to her neck, sending the chills back through her body. She was now on complete, sexual auto-pilot, her hands unbuttoning his shirt. Aggressively, she peeled it back off of his shoulders as she shoved him backward and into the refrigerator behind them. She heard the shaking of glass bottles and jars inside as it moved with the impact, but neither of them cared. She crashed her lips into his, shoving her tongue into his mouth, passion, desperation, and guilt knowing no difference in the moment.
He pulled her dress over her head and dropped it onto the floor, wrapping his arms around her body as his hands trailed along her skin. He slid his hand down to her leg and grew frustrated as he tried to bend it around him, her knee only meeting the refrigerator surface. He then turned her around and shoved her against the refrigerator door and pressed his body aggressively against hers.
His hand wrapped firmly around her neck as he kissed her mouth and then he pulled his lips away just enough to unbutton his pants with his free hand. He unzipped himself and then he picked her up with both of his arms, her legs wrapping around his waist. He entered her without warning and she gasped deeply at the impact. He grunted and he moaned as he slid himself in and out of her, the items in the refrigerator rocking with them and after a couple of seconds she started to enjoy it and she thought she nearly felt her eyes roll into the back of her head.
Her arms wrapped tightly around his neck as his hand squeezed her thigh tightly for support. Her nails dug into the skin on his back and she chose to keep her eyes open, watching his face as his shallow breath warmed her face and the sweat on his brow glistened in the low kitchen light.
And then, just as she was losing herself with him, he stopped and he pulled out. Her eyes widened in objection. "No. No, don't stop."
"I don't wanna come yet," he breathed. "I need you in my bed."
Moments later, they were in his bedroom and he lay her out across the bed, sliding himself over top of her. He rested his forearms on either side of her head as her arms hooked underneath his and he kissed her for a moment before he entered her again. Maybe it was the position, maybe it was the physical closeness they shared, or maybe it was the way she had decided early on to completely lose herself in what she chose to treat as nothing but pure, casual, no-strings-attached sex that made it feel so good, but she lost herself instantly as he fucked her, slowly at first, but then increasing intensity the better it felt.
He breathed in her ear as he lost himself inside her and she knew he was close to his end when he whispered to her, "Are you ready for more?"
"Yes," she answered helplessly. "Yes."
And then he pounded into her, the impact causing her to arch her back off of the bed, her arms leaving his body and her hands gripping the sheets on either side of her.
"That's it," he coaxed her. "That's it, baby, just feel it."
"Ike," she whimpered in a whisper. "Ike..."
"Call my name," he growled as he went deeper, harder...
"Ike," she cried. "Ike, yes!"
"Mmmm," he groaned as she pulsated around him and in a nearly simultaneous moment, he pulled out and came on her stomach, both of them ridden with sweat and heavy breath.
He braced himself above her and looked down at her and smiled. "It's always so hot with you," he said, catching his breath.
Winn was flattered. "I think we broke some of your dishes."
He chuckled, dropping his head. "It's okay. Really, it is."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After they had cleaned themselves up and dressed for bed, Isaac sat up against his headboard and pulled Winn up against him, his legs wrapping around her. He smiled as he watched her pull his new, white down comforter around them. "You really like all this new bedding, don't you?"
"Your bed is so comfortable," she said. "I'm so jealous."
"You can sleep in it anytime you want," he said quietly. "Anytime."
He'd been waiting on the right time. He wasn't sure if now was it, but he knew it would be soon. He was excited. He never thought he'd find himself at this level ever again, but he was ready. He was ready to give Winn his apartment key. It was a huge step and his heart pounded at the mere thought of it.
When she hadn't commented on his invitation to sleep over anytime she wanted, he decided that now wasn't it. But soon. He would do it soon. Earlier that day, he had already gone and had the key made. So he changed the subject. "I know you have to work the day after Christmas," he said. "And I know you're not going home. Why don't you, um, why don't you come to my family's Christmas Eve celebration? With me. Together. You have an open invitation, did you know that? My mother adores you."
"Um...Ike, thank you. But--I just--I don't think it's a good idea..."
Isaac's heart sank. "I think it's a great idea."
"Ike, I just showed up with Tay at Thanksgiving. If I showed up at Christmas with you, do you know what that would look like?"
He tried to think about it from her point of view. And then he sighed. She was right. "You can't spend Christmas alone, Winn. And I know you, I know you'll try..."
"I have no problem with being alone, Ike. It's what I do best. I'm not trying to have some pity party, I genuinely enjoy being by myself."
"Nobody enjoys being alone, Winn."
"I do. I'm secure with myself."
Her words struck a chord with him. A chord he wasn't ready and willing to play at the moment. "Just think about it."
"I might. I might just show up by myself, if that's okay. I picked up a little something for Zac's kids anyway, so. Who knows, maybe I'll make an appearance for an hour or so."
He smiled and he hugged her tighter. "You gotta stay for more than an hour. The Hanson family knows how to throw down. You won't wanna miss it."
She giggled and his heart warmed at the sound. "A festive party full of drunken, disorderly conduct and immoral debauchery? Sounds like my kind of party."
"Hey, it could be if Mac spikes the punch again."
"That sounds so cliché..."
"It really happened. My parents got trashed, it was hilarious."
She giggled again and they were quiet for a moment. Then he said, "Look, Winn, I'm sorry about last night--"
"You have nothing to apologize for."
"I didn't mean to upset you."
"You didn't upset me, why do you insist that you did?"
"Because you just seem so--"
Finally, she broke out of his arms and she turned her body around to face him. "Do you really want to know the truth?"
He nodded. "Yeah, that'd be great."
She sighed. "Ike, the truth is--the truth is, you did hurt my feelings a little. You hurt my feelings when you didn't ask me to the game before you assumed I didn't want to go. You hurt my feelings when I didn't hear from you all day on Friday. Not a call, not a text, not two words, nothing. And then--and then you posted that picture on Twitter and it felt like I'd been replaced--"
He reached out and tucked her hair, which now fell down her back again, behind her ear. "Winn..."
"But it's okay. I got a little...inebriated and...it's okay, I don't want to blame you for--you don't--Ike, you don't have an obligation to me. So in actuality, I really have no right to feel any kind of way about it--"
"But you do. You have every right to--to feel any way you want. About anything."
She looked at her hands and shook her head. "I don't. I really don't." She looked up at him and let out a breath. "You're just so good to me. And--and it was just a stupid basketball game, right?"
"I think it's more than the game--"
"This isn't me," she blurted. "I don't know if you know this or not, but the real Winifred Douglas is a happy person. I've never--well, since the blow-up with my ex, I guess--I've never been in the middle of THIS much drama as I have been since I moved here. I've never been under this much stress, this much pressure--"
"What is it, Winn?"
"It's--I dunno, between you and Tay and--"
"Between me and Tay what?"
"You. Both of you. My friendship with him, my relationship with you, I mean, that's one thing. But the two of you together are stressing me out, I'm not going to lie. And the fact that you're going to be under the same roof together is what's making me apprehensive about spending Christmas Eve with your family."
"That's not really fair--"
"Ike, you could cut the tension with a knife! The two of you--you have problems. Problems that need to be resolved. He's your brother, you can't just let stuff like that fester--"
"It's really not that simple."
"It actually really is. He's your brother. It's that simple."
He looked at her, searching her eyes, trying to mask his own disbelief. She seriously didn't know? She had no idea? Her innocent obliviousness almost made him want to jump for joy, but he thought about what she said. And she was right. She was absolutely right. Isaac and Taylor used to be best friends and where that had gone, he didn't know. But right now, he'd made his decision and it was sitting in the form of red hair and long legs on his bed in front of him. He needed her and he wasn't willing to give her up. Taylor would get over his feelings eventually and they'd be okay again. That was inevitable. What else could he do if she didn't return his feelings? Isaac wasn't willing to give her up on a whim or chance. Things felt too good right now.
"I can behave," he said to her. "No problem. Besides, it's Christmas. Good will toward men, right?"
A small smile crossed her lips. "Yeah, well. We'll see. I'm still not saying I'm coming, though. But we'll see."
*********************
Isaac wasn't sure when they had fallen asleep, but when he woke up to daylight flooding his bedroom as his comforter covered them both, he turned his head and he smiled as Winn slept, curled up into a ball next to him. Waking up next to her was beginning to feel like something he could get used to.
She lay facing away from him and he turned over in the bed and took a moment to listen to her breathe as she slept. He knew she was exhausted and he didn't want to wake her. But the urge to say what he'd wanted to say last night took over him and so he chose to say it, just to get it out. "I know you're asleep and that you can't hear me," he whispered, quiet and soft. "And that's okay. But I just need to tell you--I think I'm falling for you. And one of these days I'm going to make you mine. And I'm gonna make you so happy, you won't ever want to let me go."
She didn't stir, she didn't make a sound, and her breathing never changed its rhythm. And Isaac was okay with that.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Winn's eyes snapped open. She hadn't been asleep. She'd heard every single word he said. And now terror washed over her in such a way that she'd never felt before. There was no way this could be happening. It was much too soon, she wasn't ready for it. He wasn't allowed to fall for her, she'd told him that. She'd told him that she was bad news, that she was broken. He knew this. And still...
She had to get out of there. She couldn't handle this anymore. Especially not after the dream she'd just woken from. The one where the blue eyes now had a voice. A familiar one. One that said her name and felt like home.
God help her, what was happening to her?