A TWIST OF THE ARM
"I can't begin to tell you how happy I am that you're here," Diana said to her son as she sat the sandwich plate on the table in front of him that Monday afternoon. "I feel like it's been so long since we sat and talked. I miss our talks."
Taylor smiled at his mother as she milled around her kitchen. He allowed her to mother him for lunch a little bit. Sometimes he missed it and he knew she did, too. So he let her make him a sandwich and pour him a drink without objection.
A moment later, she sat at the table with him with her own sandwich. "Did you tell Winn she was invited for Christmas Eve?"
"Yes."
"And?"
"And she said maybe."
"Maybe? Are you serious? What else does she have to do? Unless her family is coming in. You think her family's coming in?"
Taylor shook his head as he swallowed his bite. "No. They're not coming."
"Taylor. That's terrible..."
"I'm pretty sure she tells them not to come."
"Why on Earth--?"
"Probably the same issue with Thanksgiving. She has to work the next day. Pretty sure her logic is the six-hour trip wouldn't be worth it for them."
"Tay, of course it would be..."
"Well, that's between her and her family."
Diana sighed. "Well, I hope you can convince her to come. She's such a delight..."
"Yeah..."
She looked across the table at him, concerned. "Sweetie, what is it?"
He looked up at her and he hesitated before he spoke. "Mom, can I--can I confide in you without judgment? I mean, without passing judgment on Winn? Or, hell, even me?"
Now she eyed him, warily. "I don't like how this is starting out..."
Taylor sighed. "Well...the long and short of it is, Winn's not interested in me. Not like that. But she's been seeing Ike pretty regularly and she likes him and--well, you know how I feel about her. Anyway, Ike knows, too, and I just--I never did tell her how I feel about her and--I think I blew it, Mom. I think it's too late."
Diana was silent for a moment. "So, you and Ike..."
"It's not good."
"Over her?"
He hung his head in shame. "Yeah."
Diana sighed and looked across the table at her son in thought. "How do you know she's not interested in you?"
He looked at her incredulously. "Because she into Ike."
"Tay--sweetie, if you never told her how you feel, how do you know that she didn't move on because she thought that YOU weren't interested?"
He felt like he'd been hit with a ton of bricks. He sat back in his chair and stared back at his mother, his appetite completely dissolving. "So I blew it, then. I completely screwed myself and just handed her to Ike. Is that it?"
"That's not what I'm saying, honey--"
"But that's ultimately what happened."
"Baby, I told you to talk to her on Thanksgiving. Before they got any further involved. I wasn't going to say anything, but your brother and I just recently sat right here and had a very similar conversation."
"Ike? Seriously?"
She nodded. "Yeah." She glanced down at her plate and then pushed it away from her. "He's quite enamored with her. Tay, he's--he's almost my baby boy again. He's different. She brings out a lot of good in him--"
"But he doesn't love her, Mom!"
"I don't know those details--"
"So--I mean, what am I even doing here?"
"Well, Taylor, what did you want to hear? Honey, you are my son and I love you with all my heart. And I know you love this woman. I know you do. But sometimes you gotta let the things you love to go see if it was ever truly meant to be. My advice to you is to try to patch your relationship up with your brother. He's your blood, you used to be so close."
"But how could he--I mean, I knew her first. How could he just swoop in and take over like that? What is it about him that--I mean--Mom, things are changing. Things are getting complicated. Mine and Winn's friendship--"
"Is feeling the weight of your emotions," she finished.
"But I think that somewhere in there, deep down, she--I mean, is that just wishful thinking?"
"I don't know..."
"And what if she did? You know, return the feelings? What, then? What happens with Ike? Hell, Mom, what about the band?"
"You know, this is staring to remind me of this British band..."
"Don't even start with the Yoko jokes. I'm not in the mood."
"I stand by what I said before. You want my advice? There it is. Patch it up with your brother. Family first."
He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "Maybe I should just uninvite her to Christmas--"
"Well don't punish the poor girl just because you and Ike can't get it together."
"Mom," he said, surprised.
"I'm serious. You said not to pass judgment on her, but if she doesn't know how you feel, then what is she really doing wrong with Ike?"
He felt the blow of her honesty in the pit of his stomach.
"Don't ruin Christmas for this poor girl," she continued. "It's bad enough that she's having to spend it so far away from home. If she decides to come Wednesday night, and I hope that she does, then you and your brother had better be on your best behavior."
"If she comes, she'll probably show up with him, anyway," he replied, exasperated.
"And if she does, then you better remember this conversation."
Taylor watched his mother as she cleaned up their small mess. He had come to her for sound advice. Encouragement. A swift kick in the rear with a go-getter attitude. Except what he'd gotten was the brutal truth--a truth he hadn't been ready to admit.
He'd lost the fight.
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Winn had a hard time concentrating at work on Monday and she was ashamed of herself. Once upon a time, she had thrown herself into her work and had dedicated her life to making sure she excelled at her job. It was why she was promoted and transferred to a different state in the first place. And she was still confident in her abilities, as challenging as her job was, but she knew that if she wasn't careful, her personal issues could start getting in the way. Keeping her work and her personal life separate was growing increasingly difficult, especially with the source of her turmoil right out the window across the street.
As she called her accounts Monday morning, along with the rest of her staff, she found herself gazing out the window at the studio door across the street. She longed for simpler times. She longed for the time where she was only visiting Tulsa and she innocently ran into Taylor on the street corner. She longed for that moment when she was completely mortified at the mistake and ran away in embarrassment, only being a mere fan of a band who didn't know her. She longed for the simple anonymity and for the times when she first moved to Tulsa and was convinced that even though the guys worked across the street, meeting them was something that was never going to happen.
Then her mind flashed back to the present and she sighed as she dialed her next phone number. How had it gotten so complicated so fast? Her head dizzied as she counted down the time. She'd moved in late September. She had been in Tulsa almost a month before she met Taylor. When she met him in mid-October, it had only been...good god, she had only known these guys for two months. Two very long, but yet very short, months. Her stomach churned as she recalled the events that had taken place in such a short amount of time and she became ashamed of herself all over again. Did she even know who she was anymore?
Back home, Winn was happy. Once she thought her wounds had healed from her previous engagement, Winn felt happy. She was blissfully nerdy in her own way, living on her own, having dinner with friends, attending comic book conventions on the weekends just to take pictures with the cosplayers, and spending late nights in the winter standing outside with hot chocolate with her father, bundled up and talking about the stars above them.
Winn's eyes teared up at the thought of her family. She'd never felt more homesick in her life. She hadn't seen them since she moved and here it was, another holiday approaching that she wouldn't be spending with them. Her supervisor had offered her the time off for Christmas to make the trip home, but Winn had refused. She couldn't find it in her heart to leave her staff that way. Even though Charles and Tina and Steph were just as insistent, Winn couldn't do it. They were a team and the office was busy and Winn just couldn't leave. Her family had offered to make the trip but Winn had assured them that it would be okay to stay home. Besides, the weather was questionable back home at the moment and Winn had to work a few hours on Wednesday morning, plus go back to work on Friday. Winn couldn't justify her family traveling that far for such a short period of time.
So she chose to make the sacrifice. Spending Christmas by herself wouldn't be so bad. She could do whatever she wanted to. She could blow money she didn't have on something completely ridiculous as a Christmas present to herself. She could spend all day in her pajamas eating chocolate and drinking coffee and watching Charlie Brown. She could listen to Christmas music in her socks as she baked cookies or pie or she could even get herself a gingerbread house kit to put together to keep her busy. There were plenty of activities she could do to celebrate the holiday that would make her just as happy as she would be if someone were there with her.
Well. Maybe not AS happy. You always want to be around the people you loved on the holidays. But she would settle for second best and, right now, second best WAS best.
It was that thought that caused Winn to make her decision about Christmas Eve. She'd decided she wasn't going to the party. She would tell Diana she appreciated the invite--maybe drop her a card in the mail today or something--but she just couldn't go. It was a bad idea. Isaac was--well, he was apparently getting more serious than Winn thought, or was ready for, and she hadn't heard from Taylor since Saturday morning, which pretty much told her all she needed to know right there. He could tell her all night long that everything was going to be okay and getting drunk together wouldn't make things awkward, but she knew she would be right and she was. It was awkward. And the truth was, their
friendship just hadn't been the same since the first time it happened. She wanted to call him her best friend, but maybe their friendship wasn't strong enough to withstand life's most difficult tests. It broke her heart that maybe she thought more into their friendship than what was actually there. She'd allowed herself to do things and feel things and think things that she knew she shouldn't have. And now here she was. Afraid of Isaac and without Taylor.
The only one she had to blame was herself.
Yes. Staying away from it all was definitely the best idea.
On her lunch break, she called Zac. She figured maybe she should have called Kate instead, but since she'd spoken to Zac just slightly more often, she felt a little more comfortable talking to him.
"Hey, Zac?" She said as she walked down the street. "It's Winn."
"I have caller ID..." he said. "What's up?"
"Um, so listen, uh...last week I picked up a little something for your kids for Christmas--yanno, cause I think they're great and I kinda can't resist shopping for children. It's, uh, it's just a thing with me...I guess...anyway, Christmas is in a few days and I was wondering when a good time to meet with you to give them to them would be?"
"Winn, you really didn't have to do that. They're spoiled enough as it is--"
"I wanted to. I mean--I dunno, maybe it's not my place to, I dunno, be gift-giving like that--and if it's totally awkard, I completely understand--"
"It's not awkward," he said. "My kids, they, uh, they kinda love you. It's kinda crazy, they've only met you twice--"
"I know--"
"And Junia can't stop bringing you up, it's the craziest thing. I think she idolizes you or something."
"I'm the last one who needs to be idolized," she muttered.
"I'll be honest, Winn. I don't know you as well as I probably should. But with the little bit that I do know, I know that if my daughter had to pick a role model, then she's picked a damn good one."
"Zac--"
"I'm serious."
"She has her mother and she had her aunts. I'm only around in passing, it's not like--"
"Just stop talking," he chuckled. "She's my daughter, I know what I'm talking about."
"Okay."
"Anyway, just bring them to Mom's when you come over Wednesday night."
"Yeah...about that...I've decided not to go. I mean, I appreciate the invite and the sentiment behind it and all, I really do, but looking at the big picture, it's just really not a good idea. And don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about, because I know you do."
"Yeah...I just wasn't aware that YOU knew what you were talking about..."
"Zac, I think it's pretty safe to say that EVERYONE knows what I'm talking about. It's so painfully obvious to ANYONE who's paying attention."
"Winn--do you--? How long have you known?"
"I figured it out that night my office got robbed. I didn't know what to do anymore so I just went home. I just can't deal with being in that kind of position, you know?"
"But yet, you're still hanging around with Ike..."
"Well--well, yeah, I mean I like him..."
"But then you and Tay..."
"Things are complicated with Tay. I just--I don't know, Zac. I don't know. I don't think he's speaking to me again and I think I may have really ruined things this time and--"
"Well, I mean, if you're still seeing Ike..."
"It shouldn't matter that I'm seeing Ike! That's just it!"
"Uh, actually, it kinda DOES matter..."
"No. It doesn't. It doesn't matter that I'm seeing Ike and it doesn't matter that I'm friends with Tay but all they seem to do is make snide comments about each other and it's getting really old and I'm starting to feel like it's my fault or something."
Zac sputtered for a moment. "Uh, um--uh, STARTING to feel like it?"
"Yeah. You can feel the tension the moment they're in a room together, Zac, siblings shouldn't be like that. You know that. Anyway, it's kinda starting to get awkward for me so I think it's best that I stay away, for everyone's sake."
"Oh...we're talking about Ike and Tay..."
"Yeah, what else would I be talking about?"
Zac started to laugh. "Oh! Oh, right! Of course, I don't know, I don't know what I was thinking there. Uh, yeah, yeah, they're, uh, they're having some issues, sure. But, uh, don't all siblings, though?"
"Not like that. The vibe is just horrible. I wish I could help them or something."
"Trust me, this is something they're going to have to work out on their own."
"You know why they are the way they are?"
"I have theories. Anyway, that's not--listen, you wanna come over to our house for dinner tonight? Do you have plans or anything? If you wanna bring their gifts along, you can."
Winn was taken by surprise. "Um, well I mean, I don't want to impose..."
"Please, you're not imposing. Kate was just mentioning last night that we should invite you over. And then you called me today, so. Consider it fate."
"Well I don't get off of work until after six, I'd hate for the kids to eat too late."
"It's not a problem, stop worrying. I'll text you the address in case you don't remember how to get here."
"Um, okay. Yeah, uh. Yeah. Thank you, I'll be there."
And then Winn hung up the phone and looked at it for a second before she walked in the restaurant. Well. Okay, then. Dinner with Zac's family tonight. Just when life couldn't get ANY more bizarre...
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Just when life couldn't get any more bizarre, as soon as Zac let Winn inside his house that night, she was met by Walker and Diana in the living room. Her heart rate increased and she grew abnormally nervous. She felt extremely out of place, as if she was intruding on a private, family moment. In that instant, she missed Taylor, knowing she would have been instantly at ease if he were there, but then she pushed that thought out of her mind as it tugged at her heart. She wanted to turn around and bolt, but it was already too late. Junia was already squealing her name and Shepherd was already inquiring about the over-sized gift bag in her hand.
Zac graciously took the bag from her and carried it to their large Christmas tree, decorated with colored lights and an abundance of homemade decorations. The tree was real and Winn had about half a second to appreciate it before Diana smiled at her and motioned her further into the room. "Well, hey, lady, don't look so shy! Come on in here!"
Nervously, Winn smiled and tucked her hair behind her ear as she did as Diana said and sat carefully in an armchair next to the couch that Walker and Diana sat on. "So how are you?" Diana asked, cheerfully.
"Um, I'm good. How are you? It's good to see you both again."
"It's good to see you, too," Diana said. "We were hoping to see a little more of you after Thanksgiving."
"Oh," Winn said, blushing. "Well, um, work's been really busy..."
Diana nodded. "I could imagine."
At that moment, Junia crawled up into Winn's lap and grinned up at her as she immediately started playing with her hair. "Where's Uncle Tay?"
Winn stared at Junia for a second and then she glanced up and her eyes met each pair that stared back at her: Diana, Walker, Zac, and even Kate, who had just stepped in the room when the question was asked. Winn swallowed hard, trying to remember that only she knew what had really happened between she and Taylor behind closed doors. "Um, well, I imagine your uncle is at home...."
"Why?"
Great. She was one of THOSE kids.
"Because he's probably very busy."
"Doing what?"
"Well...um, I don't know..."
"But you're supposed to know."
Winn's eyes widened again, afraid to engage in any more conversation with her. Thankfully, Kate interrupted the mini interrogation. "Junie, sweetie, do you want to help Mommy set the table?"
Junia looked at her mother, then up at Winn. "Do you want to help me and Mommy set the table?"
"Why don't you let her talk to the grownups for a minute? Okay?" Kate said. "Come on with me."
Reluctantly, Junia got down and followed her mother out of the room. That was it. Winn was trapped. Zac had set her up.
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Zac felt bad for Winn. She looked scared to death. Judging by the look on her face when she saw his parents there, he knew then that there had to be more going on behind the scenes than even his own brothers were telling him.
He knew what she must have been thinking. But the truth was, his mother had invited herself and Zac hadn't had time to run it by Winn first. It was a spur of the moment thing. He had told his mother that Winn was coming for dinner and his mother had jumped all over it. He had to admit, the notion made him nervous, as well. He was as out of the loop as--well as anyone else outside the loop was.
"So, Winn," Diana said as soon as the room was empty of children. "Is your family coming in for Christmas?"
Poor Winn. She looked like a deer in headlights. "Um, no. I, um, I have to work half a day Wednesday and then the entire day Friday, so. It's just not feasible for them to make that trip."
"Sweetie, it's always feasible to make the trip, even if it's for two hours. Coming from someone who's a mother, I know what I'm talking about."
Winn nodded silently. "Maybe, um, maybe next year..."
"Listen, sweetie. It's already gotten back to me that you're planning on not coming to our party for Christmas Eve. News travels fast in this family. And I--I THINK I understand your apprehension? I mean, whatever is going on with...whoever...is none of my business. I know that you are...connected...with both of my oldest sons and--and I know they're going through something right now and you probably feel like you're caught in the middle and I get it. And if you feel like being at our party would make you uncomfortable, then I don't want to sit here and hold a gun to your head and force you to come. But on a personal level, I wouldn't feel right in my own mind, knowing that you're at home alone by yourself on Christmas. Especially when you don't have to be."
Winn looked back and forth between Diana and Walker, momentarily speechless. "Um, I appreciate the invitation. I sincerely do, it means a lot. But--I feel like--I mean, it looks--I mean, even Junia has gotten the wrong idea and--"
"Our family adored you at Thanksgiving, Winn," Diana said. "And really, how have things changed between Thanksgiving and now?"
"Uh, well...they're different..."
Diana let out a breath. "Well. Make whatever decision you want. Just know that the invitation is open, without judgment. We would love to have you."
"Thank you. Please don't be upset--"
"I'm not upset. I'm just sorry that you've...found yourself in this situation."
"Please don't think ill of me."
Diana laughed. "Sweetheart, what could YOU have possibly done to make me think ill of you?"
Zac watched Winn tuck her hair behind her ear and duck her head. That was it. Something was up.
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Dinner seemed to loosen everyone up, even Winn. Once she and Diana had gotten what they needed to say out on the table, everyone seemed to relax. It still felt awkward, sitting there with a quarter of the Hanson family without the two she was ultimately closest to. She wondered if either one of them even knew this dinner was taking place. What would they have to say about it?
Junia insisted that Winn sit right beside her. She copied every move Winn made, from placing her napkin in her lap to taking sips of her drink when Winn did, and then getting frustrated when Kate wouldn't let her cut her own food the way Winn cut hers.
Junia was very quiet as she ate, careful not to make a mess. Walker and Diana couldn't keep their eyes off of her as she acted like the perfect little princess, and even Winn was impressed, as she behaved completely differently as she had at the dinner table at Thanksgiving, though Winn was just as impressed with her then.
Finally, she wiped her little mouth with her napkin and then she looked up at Winn. "Aunt Winnie?" She asked.
Winn's eyes met the adults' eyes and Diana's eyes widened at Zac. "We're really trying," Zac whispered to her. "You have no idea."
Then Diana looked at Winn expectantly and Winn swallowed hard. Then she turned to Junia and said gently, "Sweetheart. I'm not your aunt."
Junia blinked up at her innocently. Then she looked at both of her parents questioningly. Zac and Kate looked at each other and Kate said to her gently, "Winn is just a friend, Junie. That's all."
Her little eyes fell and she looked both hurt and confused. "Yes, she is," she argued quietly. "She came with Uncle Tay to eat Thanksgiving. And then she came with us to see the lights--" She looked up at Winn. "Tell them."
Winn fought her own tears She could understand now how Zac and Kate were having a hard time trying to correct her now. Watching her face broke Winn's heart. "I'm sorry," Winn said. "Your mom is right. I'm only a friend."
Junia hung her head over her plate. "So since you're just a friend, does that mean you're not coming to my grandma's for the party before Santa comes?"
"No," Winn said gently. "I won't be coming to the party."
The little princess hiccupped a sniff and Winn watched Zac hide his face in his hand. Winn didn't know what tore her up more--disappointing the five-year-old or the five-year-old's broken heart breaking her father's heart. Winn just couldn't seem to get anything right with this family.
"But--but I made a special cookie just for you," she said, looking up and wiping her eyes with the backs of her hands. "Mommy made us put them in the freezer cause it's not time yet, but she let me make a special one for you. It's bigger than the others and it doesn't have Christmas on it, but Mommy said it was okay cause it was a gift. And gifts don't have to be Christmas, they can be anything they want. And it was gonna be a surprise." Then she wiped her little nose and looked back down at her plate and murmured, "It's even better than Uncle Tay's. And Uncle Tay always gets the best cookie."
Winn was done for. For a brief moment, she wanted to kill Zac. If Diana's presence wasn't the setup, then this absolutely was. What could she say? This little girl made her a cookie that she was proud of and telling her she wasn't coming to the party was basically like telling her where she could shove that cookie. Or at least that's how Winn's mind was operating in that very moment. When Winn responded, the only person she could think about was Junia. "Okay," Winn said to her. "I will come to your grandma's party."
Junia looked up at her and her eyes lit up as she wiped her nose with the back of her hand and pushed her hair from her face with her palms. "Really? You're gonna come?"
"Yes," Winn confirmed with a smile. "I will be there."
Suddenly, the little girl was all smiles. And then she frowned again. "Can I still call you Aunt Winnie?"
Winn glanced around the table. Diana tried to hide a smile, Walker wasn't hiding his at all. Shepherd just shook his head as he shoveled his food into his mouth. "Um, well, only if you understand that I'm only a friend. I'm not really your aunt."
"It's okay," Junia said, her voice cheerful again. "You can be 'my friend, Aunt Winnie.' It'll be our secret!"
Her voice was a little loud for a secret, but Winn chose not to correct her. For the moment, all was right in the world. There were smiles around the table, she'd saved herself from devastating a child, and she now found a better, alternate purpose to attend the Christmas Eve party that she dreaded.
"I can't begin to tell you how happy I am that you're here," Diana said to her son as she sat the sandwich plate on the table in front of him that Monday afternoon. "I feel like it's been so long since we sat and talked. I miss our talks."
Taylor smiled at his mother as she milled around her kitchen. He allowed her to mother him for lunch a little bit. Sometimes he missed it and he knew she did, too. So he let her make him a sandwich and pour him a drink without objection.
A moment later, she sat at the table with him with her own sandwich. "Did you tell Winn she was invited for Christmas Eve?"
"Yes."
"And?"
"And she said maybe."
"Maybe? Are you serious? What else does she have to do? Unless her family is coming in. You think her family's coming in?"
Taylor shook his head as he swallowed his bite. "No. They're not coming."
"Taylor. That's terrible..."
"I'm pretty sure she tells them not to come."
"Why on Earth--?"
"Probably the same issue with Thanksgiving. She has to work the next day. Pretty sure her logic is the six-hour trip wouldn't be worth it for them."
"Tay, of course it would be..."
"Well, that's between her and her family."
Diana sighed. "Well, I hope you can convince her to come. She's such a delight..."
"Yeah..."
She looked across the table at him, concerned. "Sweetie, what is it?"
He looked up at her and he hesitated before he spoke. "Mom, can I--can I confide in you without judgment? I mean, without passing judgment on Winn? Or, hell, even me?"
Now she eyed him, warily. "I don't like how this is starting out..."
Taylor sighed. "Well...the long and short of it is, Winn's not interested in me. Not like that. But she's been seeing Ike pretty regularly and she likes him and--well, you know how I feel about her. Anyway, Ike knows, too, and I just--I never did tell her how I feel about her and--I think I blew it, Mom. I think it's too late."
Diana was silent for a moment. "So, you and Ike..."
"It's not good."
"Over her?"
He hung his head in shame. "Yeah."
Diana sighed and looked across the table at her son in thought. "How do you know she's not interested in you?"
He looked at her incredulously. "Because she into Ike."
"Tay--sweetie, if you never told her how you feel, how do you know that she didn't move on because she thought that YOU weren't interested?"
He felt like he'd been hit with a ton of bricks. He sat back in his chair and stared back at his mother, his appetite completely dissolving. "So I blew it, then. I completely screwed myself and just handed her to Ike. Is that it?"
"That's not what I'm saying, honey--"
"But that's ultimately what happened."
"Baby, I told you to talk to her on Thanksgiving. Before they got any further involved. I wasn't going to say anything, but your brother and I just recently sat right here and had a very similar conversation."
"Ike? Seriously?"
She nodded. "Yeah." She glanced down at her plate and then pushed it away from her. "He's quite enamored with her. Tay, he's--he's almost my baby boy again. He's different. She brings out a lot of good in him--"
"But he doesn't love her, Mom!"
"I don't know those details--"
"So--I mean, what am I even doing here?"
"Well, Taylor, what did you want to hear? Honey, you are my son and I love you with all my heart. And I know you love this woman. I know you do. But sometimes you gotta let the things you love to go see if it was ever truly meant to be. My advice to you is to try to patch your relationship up with your brother. He's your blood, you used to be so close."
"But how could he--I mean, I knew her first. How could he just swoop in and take over like that? What is it about him that--I mean--Mom, things are changing. Things are getting complicated. Mine and Winn's friendship--"
"Is feeling the weight of your emotions," she finished.
"But I think that somewhere in there, deep down, she--I mean, is that just wishful thinking?"
"I don't know..."
"And what if she did? You know, return the feelings? What, then? What happens with Ike? Hell, Mom, what about the band?"
"You know, this is staring to remind me of this British band..."
"Don't even start with the Yoko jokes. I'm not in the mood."
"I stand by what I said before. You want my advice? There it is. Patch it up with your brother. Family first."
He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "Maybe I should just uninvite her to Christmas--"
"Well don't punish the poor girl just because you and Ike can't get it together."
"Mom," he said, surprised.
"I'm serious. You said not to pass judgment on her, but if she doesn't know how you feel, then what is she really doing wrong with Ike?"
He felt the blow of her honesty in the pit of his stomach.
"Don't ruin Christmas for this poor girl," she continued. "It's bad enough that she's having to spend it so far away from home. If she decides to come Wednesday night, and I hope that she does, then you and your brother had better be on your best behavior."
"If she comes, she'll probably show up with him, anyway," he replied, exasperated.
"And if she does, then you better remember this conversation."
Taylor watched his mother as she cleaned up their small mess. He had come to her for sound advice. Encouragement. A swift kick in the rear with a go-getter attitude. Except what he'd gotten was the brutal truth--a truth he hadn't been ready to admit.
He'd lost the fight.
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Winn had a hard time concentrating at work on Monday and she was ashamed of herself. Once upon a time, she had thrown herself into her work and had dedicated her life to making sure she excelled at her job. It was why she was promoted and transferred to a different state in the first place. And she was still confident in her abilities, as challenging as her job was, but she knew that if she wasn't careful, her personal issues could start getting in the way. Keeping her work and her personal life separate was growing increasingly difficult, especially with the source of her turmoil right out the window across the street.
As she called her accounts Monday morning, along with the rest of her staff, she found herself gazing out the window at the studio door across the street. She longed for simpler times. She longed for the time where she was only visiting Tulsa and she innocently ran into Taylor on the street corner. She longed for that moment when she was completely mortified at the mistake and ran away in embarrassment, only being a mere fan of a band who didn't know her. She longed for the simple anonymity and for the times when she first moved to Tulsa and was convinced that even though the guys worked across the street, meeting them was something that was never going to happen.
Then her mind flashed back to the present and she sighed as she dialed her next phone number. How had it gotten so complicated so fast? Her head dizzied as she counted down the time. She'd moved in late September. She had been in Tulsa almost a month before she met Taylor. When she met him in mid-October, it had only been...good god, she had only known these guys for two months. Two very long, but yet very short, months. Her stomach churned as she recalled the events that had taken place in such a short amount of time and she became ashamed of herself all over again. Did she even know who she was anymore?
Back home, Winn was happy. Once she thought her wounds had healed from her previous engagement, Winn felt happy. She was blissfully nerdy in her own way, living on her own, having dinner with friends, attending comic book conventions on the weekends just to take pictures with the cosplayers, and spending late nights in the winter standing outside with hot chocolate with her father, bundled up and talking about the stars above them.
Winn's eyes teared up at the thought of her family. She'd never felt more homesick in her life. She hadn't seen them since she moved and here it was, another holiday approaching that she wouldn't be spending with them. Her supervisor had offered her the time off for Christmas to make the trip home, but Winn had refused. She couldn't find it in her heart to leave her staff that way. Even though Charles and Tina and Steph were just as insistent, Winn couldn't do it. They were a team and the office was busy and Winn just couldn't leave. Her family had offered to make the trip but Winn had assured them that it would be okay to stay home. Besides, the weather was questionable back home at the moment and Winn had to work a few hours on Wednesday morning, plus go back to work on Friday. Winn couldn't justify her family traveling that far for such a short period of time.
So she chose to make the sacrifice. Spending Christmas by herself wouldn't be so bad. She could do whatever she wanted to. She could blow money she didn't have on something completely ridiculous as a Christmas present to herself. She could spend all day in her pajamas eating chocolate and drinking coffee and watching Charlie Brown. She could listen to Christmas music in her socks as she baked cookies or pie or she could even get herself a gingerbread house kit to put together to keep her busy. There were plenty of activities she could do to celebrate the holiday that would make her just as happy as she would be if someone were there with her.
Well. Maybe not AS happy. You always want to be around the people you loved on the holidays. But she would settle for second best and, right now, second best WAS best.
It was that thought that caused Winn to make her decision about Christmas Eve. She'd decided she wasn't going to the party. She would tell Diana she appreciated the invite--maybe drop her a card in the mail today or something--but she just couldn't go. It was a bad idea. Isaac was--well, he was apparently getting more serious than Winn thought, or was ready for, and she hadn't heard from Taylor since Saturday morning, which pretty much told her all she needed to know right there. He could tell her all night long that everything was going to be okay and getting drunk together wouldn't make things awkward, but she knew she would be right and she was. It was awkward. And the truth was, their
friendship just hadn't been the same since the first time it happened. She wanted to call him her best friend, but maybe their friendship wasn't strong enough to withstand life's most difficult tests. It broke her heart that maybe she thought more into their friendship than what was actually there. She'd allowed herself to do things and feel things and think things that she knew she shouldn't have. And now here she was. Afraid of Isaac and without Taylor.
The only one she had to blame was herself.
Yes. Staying away from it all was definitely the best idea.
On her lunch break, she called Zac. She figured maybe she should have called Kate instead, but since she'd spoken to Zac just slightly more often, she felt a little more comfortable talking to him.
"Hey, Zac?" She said as she walked down the street. "It's Winn."
"I have caller ID..." he said. "What's up?"
"Um, so listen, uh...last week I picked up a little something for your kids for Christmas--yanno, cause I think they're great and I kinda can't resist shopping for children. It's, uh, it's just a thing with me...I guess...anyway, Christmas is in a few days and I was wondering when a good time to meet with you to give them to them would be?"
"Winn, you really didn't have to do that. They're spoiled enough as it is--"
"I wanted to. I mean--I dunno, maybe it's not my place to, I dunno, be gift-giving like that--and if it's totally awkard, I completely understand--"
"It's not awkward," he said. "My kids, they, uh, they kinda love you. It's kinda crazy, they've only met you twice--"
"I know--"
"And Junia can't stop bringing you up, it's the craziest thing. I think she idolizes you or something."
"I'm the last one who needs to be idolized," she muttered.
"I'll be honest, Winn. I don't know you as well as I probably should. But with the little bit that I do know, I know that if my daughter had to pick a role model, then she's picked a damn good one."
"Zac--"
"I'm serious."
"She has her mother and she had her aunts. I'm only around in passing, it's not like--"
"Just stop talking," he chuckled. "She's my daughter, I know what I'm talking about."
"Okay."
"Anyway, just bring them to Mom's when you come over Wednesday night."
"Yeah...about that...I've decided not to go. I mean, I appreciate the invite and the sentiment behind it and all, I really do, but looking at the big picture, it's just really not a good idea. And don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about, because I know you do."
"Yeah...I just wasn't aware that YOU knew what you were talking about..."
"Zac, I think it's pretty safe to say that EVERYONE knows what I'm talking about. It's so painfully obvious to ANYONE who's paying attention."
"Winn--do you--? How long have you known?"
"I figured it out that night my office got robbed. I didn't know what to do anymore so I just went home. I just can't deal with being in that kind of position, you know?"
"But yet, you're still hanging around with Ike..."
"Well--well, yeah, I mean I like him..."
"But then you and Tay..."
"Things are complicated with Tay. I just--I don't know, Zac. I don't know. I don't think he's speaking to me again and I think I may have really ruined things this time and--"
"Well, I mean, if you're still seeing Ike..."
"It shouldn't matter that I'm seeing Ike! That's just it!"
"Uh, actually, it kinda DOES matter..."
"No. It doesn't. It doesn't matter that I'm seeing Ike and it doesn't matter that I'm friends with Tay but all they seem to do is make snide comments about each other and it's getting really old and I'm starting to feel like it's my fault or something."
Zac sputtered for a moment. "Uh, um--uh, STARTING to feel like it?"
"Yeah. You can feel the tension the moment they're in a room together, Zac, siblings shouldn't be like that. You know that. Anyway, it's kinda starting to get awkward for me so I think it's best that I stay away, for everyone's sake."
"Oh...we're talking about Ike and Tay..."
"Yeah, what else would I be talking about?"
Zac started to laugh. "Oh! Oh, right! Of course, I don't know, I don't know what I was thinking there. Uh, yeah, yeah, they're, uh, they're having some issues, sure. But, uh, don't all siblings, though?"
"Not like that. The vibe is just horrible. I wish I could help them or something."
"Trust me, this is something they're going to have to work out on their own."
"You know why they are the way they are?"
"I have theories. Anyway, that's not--listen, you wanna come over to our house for dinner tonight? Do you have plans or anything? If you wanna bring their gifts along, you can."
Winn was taken by surprise. "Um, well I mean, I don't want to impose..."
"Please, you're not imposing. Kate was just mentioning last night that we should invite you over. And then you called me today, so. Consider it fate."
"Well I don't get off of work until after six, I'd hate for the kids to eat too late."
"It's not a problem, stop worrying. I'll text you the address in case you don't remember how to get here."
"Um, okay. Yeah, uh. Yeah. Thank you, I'll be there."
And then Winn hung up the phone and looked at it for a second before she walked in the restaurant. Well. Okay, then. Dinner with Zac's family tonight. Just when life couldn't get ANY more bizarre...
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Just when life couldn't get any more bizarre, as soon as Zac let Winn inside his house that night, she was met by Walker and Diana in the living room. Her heart rate increased and she grew abnormally nervous. She felt extremely out of place, as if she was intruding on a private, family moment. In that instant, she missed Taylor, knowing she would have been instantly at ease if he were there, but then she pushed that thought out of her mind as it tugged at her heart. She wanted to turn around and bolt, but it was already too late. Junia was already squealing her name and Shepherd was already inquiring about the over-sized gift bag in her hand.
Zac graciously took the bag from her and carried it to their large Christmas tree, decorated with colored lights and an abundance of homemade decorations. The tree was real and Winn had about half a second to appreciate it before Diana smiled at her and motioned her further into the room. "Well, hey, lady, don't look so shy! Come on in here!"
Nervously, Winn smiled and tucked her hair behind her ear as she did as Diana said and sat carefully in an armchair next to the couch that Walker and Diana sat on. "So how are you?" Diana asked, cheerfully.
"Um, I'm good. How are you? It's good to see you both again."
"It's good to see you, too," Diana said. "We were hoping to see a little more of you after Thanksgiving."
"Oh," Winn said, blushing. "Well, um, work's been really busy..."
Diana nodded. "I could imagine."
At that moment, Junia crawled up into Winn's lap and grinned up at her as she immediately started playing with her hair. "Where's Uncle Tay?"
Winn stared at Junia for a second and then she glanced up and her eyes met each pair that stared back at her: Diana, Walker, Zac, and even Kate, who had just stepped in the room when the question was asked. Winn swallowed hard, trying to remember that only she knew what had really happened between she and Taylor behind closed doors. "Um, well, I imagine your uncle is at home...."
"Why?"
Great. She was one of THOSE kids.
"Because he's probably very busy."
"Doing what?"
"Well...um, I don't know..."
"But you're supposed to know."
Winn's eyes widened again, afraid to engage in any more conversation with her. Thankfully, Kate interrupted the mini interrogation. "Junie, sweetie, do you want to help Mommy set the table?"
Junia looked at her mother, then up at Winn. "Do you want to help me and Mommy set the table?"
"Why don't you let her talk to the grownups for a minute? Okay?" Kate said. "Come on with me."
Reluctantly, Junia got down and followed her mother out of the room. That was it. Winn was trapped. Zac had set her up.
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Zac felt bad for Winn. She looked scared to death. Judging by the look on her face when she saw his parents there, he knew then that there had to be more going on behind the scenes than even his own brothers were telling him.
He knew what she must have been thinking. But the truth was, his mother had invited herself and Zac hadn't had time to run it by Winn first. It was a spur of the moment thing. He had told his mother that Winn was coming for dinner and his mother had jumped all over it. He had to admit, the notion made him nervous, as well. He was as out of the loop as--well as anyone else outside the loop was.
"So, Winn," Diana said as soon as the room was empty of children. "Is your family coming in for Christmas?"
Poor Winn. She looked like a deer in headlights. "Um, no. I, um, I have to work half a day Wednesday and then the entire day Friday, so. It's just not feasible for them to make that trip."
"Sweetie, it's always feasible to make the trip, even if it's for two hours. Coming from someone who's a mother, I know what I'm talking about."
Winn nodded silently. "Maybe, um, maybe next year..."
"Listen, sweetie. It's already gotten back to me that you're planning on not coming to our party for Christmas Eve. News travels fast in this family. And I--I THINK I understand your apprehension? I mean, whatever is going on with...whoever...is none of my business. I know that you are...connected...with both of my oldest sons and--and I know they're going through something right now and you probably feel like you're caught in the middle and I get it. And if you feel like being at our party would make you uncomfortable, then I don't want to sit here and hold a gun to your head and force you to come. But on a personal level, I wouldn't feel right in my own mind, knowing that you're at home alone by yourself on Christmas. Especially when you don't have to be."
Winn looked back and forth between Diana and Walker, momentarily speechless. "Um, I appreciate the invitation. I sincerely do, it means a lot. But--I feel like--I mean, it looks--I mean, even Junia has gotten the wrong idea and--"
"Our family adored you at Thanksgiving, Winn," Diana said. "And really, how have things changed between Thanksgiving and now?"
"Uh, well...they're different..."
Diana let out a breath. "Well. Make whatever decision you want. Just know that the invitation is open, without judgment. We would love to have you."
"Thank you. Please don't be upset--"
"I'm not upset. I'm just sorry that you've...found yourself in this situation."
"Please don't think ill of me."
Diana laughed. "Sweetheart, what could YOU have possibly done to make me think ill of you?"
Zac watched Winn tuck her hair behind her ear and duck her head. That was it. Something was up.
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Dinner seemed to loosen everyone up, even Winn. Once she and Diana had gotten what they needed to say out on the table, everyone seemed to relax. It still felt awkward, sitting there with a quarter of the Hanson family without the two she was ultimately closest to. She wondered if either one of them even knew this dinner was taking place. What would they have to say about it?
Junia insisted that Winn sit right beside her. She copied every move Winn made, from placing her napkin in her lap to taking sips of her drink when Winn did, and then getting frustrated when Kate wouldn't let her cut her own food the way Winn cut hers.
Junia was very quiet as she ate, careful not to make a mess. Walker and Diana couldn't keep their eyes off of her as she acted like the perfect little princess, and even Winn was impressed, as she behaved completely differently as she had at the dinner table at Thanksgiving, though Winn was just as impressed with her then.
Finally, she wiped her little mouth with her napkin and then she looked up at Winn. "Aunt Winnie?" She asked.
Winn's eyes met the adults' eyes and Diana's eyes widened at Zac. "We're really trying," Zac whispered to her. "You have no idea."
Then Diana looked at Winn expectantly and Winn swallowed hard. Then she turned to Junia and said gently, "Sweetheart. I'm not your aunt."
Junia blinked up at her innocently. Then she looked at both of her parents questioningly. Zac and Kate looked at each other and Kate said to her gently, "Winn is just a friend, Junie. That's all."
Her little eyes fell and she looked both hurt and confused. "Yes, she is," she argued quietly. "She came with Uncle Tay to eat Thanksgiving. And then she came with us to see the lights--" She looked up at Winn. "Tell them."
Winn fought her own tears She could understand now how Zac and Kate were having a hard time trying to correct her now. Watching her face broke Winn's heart. "I'm sorry," Winn said. "Your mom is right. I'm only a friend."
Junia hung her head over her plate. "So since you're just a friend, does that mean you're not coming to my grandma's for the party before Santa comes?"
"No," Winn said gently. "I won't be coming to the party."
The little princess hiccupped a sniff and Winn watched Zac hide his face in his hand. Winn didn't know what tore her up more--disappointing the five-year-old or the five-year-old's broken heart breaking her father's heart. Winn just couldn't seem to get anything right with this family.
"But--but I made a special cookie just for you," she said, looking up and wiping her eyes with the backs of her hands. "Mommy made us put them in the freezer cause it's not time yet, but she let me make a special one for you. It's bigger than the others and it doesn't have Christmas on it, but Mommy said it was okay cause it was a gift. And gifts don't have to be Christmas, they can be anything they want. And it was gonna be a surprise." Then she wiped her little nose and looked back down at her plate and murmured, "It's even better than Uncle Tay's. And Uncle Tay always gets the best cookie."
Winn was done for. For a brief moment, she wanted to kill Zac. If Diana's presence wasn't the setup, then this absolutely was. What could she say? This little girl made her a cookie that she was proud of and telling her she wasn't coming to the party was basically like telling her where she could shove that cookie. Or at least that's how Winn's mind was operating in that very moment. When Winn responded, the only person she could think about was Junia. "Okay," Winn said to her. "I will come to your grandma's party."
Junia looked up at her and her eyes lit up as she wiped her nose with the back of her hand and pushed her hair from her face with her palms. "Really? You're gonna come?"
"Yes," Winn confirmed with a smile. "I will be there."
Suddenly, the little girl was all smiles. And then she frowned again. "Can I still call you Aunt Winnie?"
Winn glanced around the table. Diana tried to hide a smile, Walker wasn't hiding his at all. Shepherd just shook his head as he shoveled his food into his mouth. "Um, well, only if you understand that I'm only a friend. I'm not really your aunt."
"It's okay," Junia said, her voice cheerful again. "You can be 'my friend, Aunt Winnie.' It'll be our secret!"
Her voice was a little loud for a secret, but Winn chose not to correct her. For the moment, all was right in the world. There were smiles around the table, she'd saved herself from devastating a child, and she now found a better, alternate purpose to attend the Christmas Eve party that she dreaded.