REVELATIONS
By Sunday night, it had been a week and a half since Isaac's big fallout with Taylor. Since he'd had his heart broken by Winn. Since he'd felt like himself. In the past week he'd relapsed back into his old lifestyle, except this time it went beyond whiskey and women. It was after he'd stood up and looked at himself in the mirror after doing a line of coke in the men's restroom of a bar that he realized that he needed to get a grip on himself. He had come too far to be doing something as sleazy as snorting cocaine in a public restroom.
Now he sat at home in his usual spot in his black, leather armchair, swirling whiskey around in his glass as he stared at the wall, brooding, and feeling like he was back at square one. Knowing he was.
As he sat, trying to pinpoint the exact moment that it all went wrong, his phone rang. Oddly surprised at the caller, he answered.
"So. Interesting party last week," Kelsey Kennedy greeted him. "Very, uh, eventful..."
"Shit, Kels, I forgot you were there. I'm sorry."
"It's okay. You, uh, you had other things going on..."
"I'm a mess, Kels. I'm just--everything has gone to hell in a hand basket. It's like--like, I finally started to get a grasp on my life only for it to be just--wrong. I dunno, I just...I dunno..."
"Ike...I, um, I heard through the grapevine that someone saw you buying drugs..."
"Sometimes whiskey just doesn't cut it."
"That's not cool. It's not--it's not you. And I'm concerned."
"Careful. Last time someone was concerned, she fell in love with my brother. I'm running out of brothers, Kels. And I don't think Mac's your type."
"Stop being so vulgar," she snapped. "Don't forget who you're talking to here. You might be able to pull that shit with Winn or whoever else, but you sure as hell can't pull it with me."
Isaac was caught off guard and, as a reflex, he straightened up in his chair a little bit. Clearing his throat, he sought out his bearings. "Um, I'm, um, I'm sorry--"
"You know why I haven't been around much these past few years? Because I'm disappointed in you. You haven't been yourself in a really long time and that's a shame because the real you is a really great person. And I'm not the type to sit around and watch a person I care about self-destruct like you have been. If that's the life you want to lead, then I want no part in it."
"So then why are you around NOW?"
"Because you're still in there. Because when you brought that girl into my restaurant, I saw you for the first time in a very long time."
"Then why can't I keep her?" He said quietly. "Why can't I keep anyone?"
Kelsey let out a quiet breath. "Well, because, Ike, based on what you told me...it sounds like Taylor got there first. You said they were friends beforehand--"
"Yeah, but they weren't--I mean, I thought she liked me. I thought she--"
"I believe she did. I mean, I don't know her, I can only go by what I've witnessed. But regardless of the situation, you can't help who you fall in love with. You just--you just can't. But maybe--maybe deep down she always loved him and she didn't know it. She did try with you, Ike. I mean, you gotta give her that, right? She did try."
Isaac was quiet as he thought about what Kelsey said. Had Winn really tried? Had she--? A lump caught in his throat has he recalled everything she had ever said to him. The way she reassured him how good of a person he was. The way she told him she cared. The way she told him she believed in him. No one had ever said things like that to him before. It made him feel like he was somebody. Like he was important. Like he might actually be someone he could be proud of. "Can I trust her?" He found himself whispering into the phone.
"What?"
"Winn. Can I trust her? Did she lie to me?"
"I don't know," Kelsey said quietly. "I don't know her. I'm unfamiliar with the nature of your relationship."
"I don't know what to believe anymore. I don't know what's real or what's true. And--and maybe I'm guilty myself. You know? I did some fucked up shit, I--I kinda slept around on her. I didn't think I was serious about her in the beginning so I just--I kept being my normal, bastard self and--and so should I be upset that she and Tay slept together?"
"Well, he said they were drunk..."
"It was still a conscious decision, drunk or not."
"But you just said so yourself, you made a conscious decision to sleep around on her, so..."
"Our relationship was doomed from the beginning, wasn't it?"
"Ike, do you believe in fate?"
"I don't believe in anything. I mean, seriously, what's the point?"
"Well, I believe everything happens for a reason. And I just wonder--I mean maybe things didn't work out because--well, maybe there's something else out there for you. You know, close one door, open another..."
"This WAS my open door. And now my one open door is shut, too. Slammed. And locked."
"That's not true."
"I snorted cocaine in a men's bathroom, Kels. I even allowed someone to explain to me the benefits of heroin. I've hit rock bottom."
"Ike," she scolded gently. "You're better than that."
"I thought I was."
"You are. You know you are. I know you are. You know, this self-loathing isn't really getting you anywhere. Seriously. What is it getting you? You feel like shit, don't you? You're mad at yourself, you're mad at the world--over what? Something you can't control? Over a woman that you thought you loved--?"
"Hey--"
"I mean it. I know you. I think--I think maybe you fell in love with the idea. You know? Maybe the idea of settling down appealed to you and...and maybe one emotion got confused with the other."
"Are you trying to convince me that I don't love her?"
"Well--I mean, do you really? Why are you sitting here on the phone with me instead of chasing her down and telling her how you really feel? If you felt it, wouldn't you be doing that?"
Isaac sighed as he chewed on her words again. "I just--I mean, she just--and then Tay just--just swooped in..."
"I'm not gonna lie, Ike. That fight you started on New Year's--that looked painfully like a petty...I don't know, competition. It was so blatant, so--and the words that you exchanged with each other? Completely disrespectful. And you both should be ashamed of yourselves. Did you really love her? Or did you get caught up in 'who can do it better' with your brother? Because, from a third person point of view, that's what it looked like. And it was pathetic. And unbecoming of both of you. And the fact that that girl is being portrayed as nothing more than a pawn between you and him in the media--well, that's despicable. I think both of you owe her an apology, at least. And Taylor should be a lucky man if she actually IS in love with him. Because it doesn't sound like he deserves her, either."
"Why the hell did you call me, Kelsey? Did you call me to just kick me while I'm down, like everyone else is? Did you just HAVE to be one more person to drive home what a useless failure I am? Because I don't need that--"
"I called you to wake you the hell up. And invite you to participate in the world of the living. She didn't tell you you were a horrible, repulsive person, Isaac," she snapped all of a sudden. "She told you she was in love with your brother. And you're still alive, aren't you? And you're still you. So snap the fuck out of it already. I'm sick of this and I miss you!" And then she cleared her throat and her voice grew quiet. "Don't, um, I mean, stop letting your past get in the way of your future. Your life is what you make it."
Isaac's eyes widened and he blinked at the wall across from him. He thought about her words about love and settling down and...and fate and...and his head spun a little. Followed by the speeding of his heartbeat. And his eyes darted around the room in a fit of confusion and suddenly, he said to her, "You think you might want to go to dinner sometime?"
Kelsey scoffed. "Oh no, buddy. Not right now. I'm not one of THOSE ladies you can just wine and dine like that. Not gonna happen." Then she paused. "But, um, after you get things, you know, sorted out...give me a call. I'll probably be free for a night."
His breath caught in his throat and his brow furrowed at how startlingly willing he suddenly was to do what she said. And so he nodded into the phone. "Yeah. Uh, okay."
"Goodnight, Isaac. Go get some sleep. And flush whatever drugs are sitting in your pocket right now."
As he hung up the phone with her, he pressed his hand against his pocket, hearing the baggie containing a handful of pills crushing against his hand. And then he stood up, pulled them out of his pocket, and walked straight into his bathroom.
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Over the next week, Winn threw herself into her work and became obsessed with her body. She spent all her free time fighting nausea, quenching random cravings, and researching her pregnancy. She read everything she could find on every aspect of her pregnancy she could think of. She researched her body, her emotions, her baby's development, what was happening now and what she could expect soon. She read and reread everything and vowed to herself that she would know anything and everything that was going on with her baby and her body, even before any of it happened. Between that and work, she did everything she could to avoid thinking of Taylor at any cost.
Except that nothing worked. Unfortunately, absence made the heart grow fonder and she knew she loved him more every day. Allowing herself to feel it was becoming more painful than actually suppressing it.
By the following Saturday, after a much-needed successful week at work, it had been a week since her last phone conversation with Taylor. It killed her to sit there and keep her secret as she spoke to him, but she hadn't been ready to reveal it to anyone yet. She needed to process it herself. Now here it was, a week later, and still the only people who knew she was pregnant was her doctor and her supervisor. She knew she would have to tell her staff soon.
Despite trying to keep herself busy, and succumbing to fatigue amidst everything else, Winn was beginning to feel alone. True, she had shut herself off from the world, but here she was merely in her third week and she already didn't know how single women did it. She supposed she was about to get a crash course in the subject.
But for now, she needed to talk. And so she turned to the first person she could think of, and prayed that she wouldn't be judged.
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"Hello, this is my mommy's phone," Kate heard her daughter say. She hadn't even heard her phone ring. "Who is this?" And then Junia squealed. "REALLY? Are you coming to see me? Do you want to play Barbies with me? I can go set up their house right now!"
Kate smiled and shook her head. She knew that had to be Winn on the phone. Though, why was she calling her? She had to admit, things had felt slightly awkward after New Year's and she hadn't heard from Winn since before then...
After a moment, her daughter finally relinquished her phone and then raced for her bedroom. "Hello?" Kate answered.
"Hey, Kate. It's Winn. I, um, I hope it's not weird that I called but...I need to talk and I don't really have anyone else to turn to."
Kate's heart went out to Winn. She'd been thinking about her for awhile. She felt bad for not calling her. "Uh, yeah," she said. "Yeah, I'm here if you need me."
"Thanks," Winn said. "Do you, um, you think you might want to meet for lunch or something? Maybe tomorrow...?"
"I can actually meet you today if you're free. Zac's parents are taking the kids out today and I'm about to take them over there. You want to meet in a couple of hours?"
"Uh, yeah. Yeah, if you have the spare time."
A couple of hours later, the two women were sitting across from each other, a bowl of pasta in front of Winn and a salad in front of Kate. "That's kinda heavy for my kind of lunch," Kate smiled. "But you...you go right ahead with that."
Winn smiled as she twirled her pasta against her spoon. Kate sipped on her water and put it back down. "So, how are you?"
Winn let out a breath. "Um, I can't really describe it. Part of me feels like crap for--for breaking Ike's heart but the other part of me feels like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. But at the same time, I had some choices I needed to make and so I have no Tay, either, so. Right now I'm just coping with my own decisions. I can't--I mean, it's true. I do--I do love him, Kate. I do and that's the first time I've ever said it out loud. I am head over heels in love with that man but I can't--I couldn't even entertain the thought of being with him as long as he and Ike are at odds. It just--it wouldn't be right. You know?"
A smile flashed uncontrollably across Kate's face. "Well, to be honest, Winn, your being in love with Tay isn't really some huge secret. The truth is, we've all been sitting around playing the waiting game. Surely you've been feeling what we've all been seeing. Your chemistry is undeniable. The two of you are happy together. You belong together. And it's so obvious, too. I think--" Kate's eyes fell, barely able to say it. "I think even Ike knew it, too."
"And that's just it," Winn said. "I liked him. I really, really liked him. But he thinks I lied to him and strung him along and--and it wasn't like that."
Kate sighed and the put down her fork. She looked toward the ceiling in thought and she took a deep breath. "I feel--I feel responsible for Ike's...indiscretions. And I feel like...like you're stuck in this situation partially because of me. Did he--did he ever tell you what happened between us?"
"He, um, he wasn't specific..."
"It was a classic case of mixed signals. He and I were friends. We never dated, never kissed, or anything. We were just friends. And apparently he felt one way and I felt the other. And he and I were close, so when I met Zac through him it was love at first sight and I expected Ike to be happy for us. And when everything blew up is when I found out that he was reading more into the relationship than was actually there. I literally had no idea how he felt. And--and he harbored a lot of resentment for a long time. And I felt bad, but I couldn't punish myself or Zac for that. I couldn't help that I fell in love with Zac. And I couldn't help that Isaac fell in love with me. Sometimes you just--you just gotta live your life. And now I'm happy and I got three wonderful children out of it that I wouldn't trade for the world and Ike--well, he chose the path he chose. And I still feel a little bad about it to this day, and I keep having to remind myself that there was nothing I could do about that situation. I couldn't help it. And you can't help yours. Fate obviously has something else in store for Ike. And one of these days it'll happen for him. But we just have to--we have to continue to love and care about him anyway. Because that's what family does. And I don't know about anyone else, but--but I kinda consider you family. And maybe it's Junie rubbing off on me or something, I don't know, but I've kinda rooted for you and Tay all this time. And I kinda hope it works out because I wouldn't mind having you as a sister."
Winn smiled and then she frowned again as she put down her fork and laid her hands in her lap. "Well, um...you might get your wish...except not in the way you think..." She looked up at Kate. "I called you because I need to tell you something and I hope that you won't judge me. Um, nobody else really knows and I--I don't really know who else to talk to right now..."
"It's okay," Kate said gently. "I'm not here to judge you. I promise."
"Kate, I'm--" And then Winn looked around and lowered her voice. "I'm pregnant. I, um, I just found out last week."
"Oh. Oh, wow, Winn, that's...congratulations. I think. You're gonna--you're gonna..."
Winn nodded. "I'm gonna keep it, yes."
"Good. Um, so...so Junia will..."
"Have a cousin. Yes. Yes, she will."
Kate looked around in thought, trying hard to process the news and trying to find the right words without sounding offensive. "So, um, do you--do you know who--?"
Winn nodded again. "Yeah. Yeah, I know. That's, um, something I'm choosing to keep to myself right now, while I--while I process...everything..."
"Well, um, Winn, pregnancy is a, uh, it's a time-sensitive subject."
"I know."
"And it won't be a secret for long."
"I know. Kate, please. Don't tell Zac. I know he's your husband and you probably share everything but, please. Don't tell him. I--not before I tell...tell the baby's father myself. Please?"
Kate was dying. It was all she could do right this second not to pick up her phone and text the whole thing to her husband. But she took in a breath and she stood her ground and she agreed. "I promise," she said. "It's not my place to share the news anyway."
"Thank you. I just--I'm trying to process this and--and trying to figure out how to be a single mother and juggle work--"
Kate reached her hand across the table and placed it over Winn's. "Winn, no matter who the father is, I know both of these men. And neither one of them would let you be a single mother. They may be two very different people, but their values and their morals are all very much the same. Whichever one the father is, he'll do the right thing."
"I don't doubt that," Winn replied meekly. "But I can't be responsible for creating more tension and more resentment--"
"It takes two to make a baby."
"I know, but--I've been doing some thinking. I'm--I'm gonna talk to my mom, but--but I'm thinking of selling my house and moving back home. My family is there. I have a support system there--"
"You have a support system here, too."
"Sure. The baby will have a support system. But you and I both know that it'll come with the eyes of judgment. That everyone's going to think I'm a two-timer and even if the situation were explained, nobody will see it the way it actually happened. And--and I'll never be forgiven. For anything. I can just see it now, Kate. Your situation was easy to deal with. You never formed a romantic relationship with Ike..."
"With all due respect, Winn, I think you believe everyone is judging you because you're judging yourself. Nobody's judging you, I can promise you that. And you just--I'm not sure running out of town with this baby is the best idea."
"I've caused way too much trouble already. I won't--I won't deny the father's rights by any means, but--but I think everyone would be better off if I just went back to Texas. I don't--I don't see me here, working across the street from that studio, juggling work and daycare and--and being a single mother. I really think I'd be better off closer to my family. I mean, it's not--it's not set in stone yet. But that's what I'm thinking about."
"I--I wish you would try to be a little more positive about this. I'd hate to see you go. And if I have to throw a guilt trip or two on you, Junia would be devastated if you moved away. She doesn't even see you enough as it is, she still talks about you all the time."
Winn smiled. "Well played, there. Well played."
Kate smiled back. "I'll do whatever it takes." Then her smile faded. "You have to tell him. Whoever the father is, you have to tell him."
"I know."
"And it'll be okay. And if you want, I'll even sit there and hold your hand while you do it. Whatever you need. I want you to know you have a friend in me. I'm on your side, I support you. Okay?"
"That means a lot to me. You just--you just don't know. Thank you."
Kate left their lunch date with mixed emotions. Naturally, she was thrilled that Winn was pregnant. The anticipation of a new baby gave her a bit of baby fever herself, even though she knew Zac wouldn't go for having another one. Three was his limit. And then thinking about Zac, she knew she had to go home and act normal like she didn't have a secret from him. None at all. Her only saving grace was that she was honoring her friend's wishes and at least the secret wasn't her own.
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Isaac spent the next week after his conversation with Kelsey with his head in the clouds. He thought about everything. He mulled about everything. When he wasn't in tense rehearsals with his brothers, he was digging deep and doing some soul-searching that had apparently needed to be done ages ago.
The first thing he did was pour out every drop of alcohol he had in his apartment. This didn't mean that he would never drink again, but for the moment, all it did was remind him of the lifestyle he wanted to rid himself of. Kelsey was right. It was time to stop letting his past dictate his future. If that meant being sober for awhile, well, he'd at least try it and see where it got him.
Then he thought about Winn. He'd done a lot of thinking about Winn and their relationship. And then he thought about her relationship with Taylor which, in turn, led him to think about Taylor. The truth was, he missed his brother. And he hadn't been a very good brother to him in regards to Winn. He should have backed off of Winn when he found out Taylor was interested. He should have left it alone. Except that he was selfish and only interested in self-gratification--which, ultimately, was what was wrong with his and Taylor's relationship to begin with. Over the past few years, Isaac had decided that he didn't have time for Taylor because Taylor didn't fit into his lifestyle. And now Isaac felt like a bastard because, in all honesty, Taylor WAS his lifestyle. He was his brother and his band mate and his business partner and he'd allowed himself to lose sight of what was REALLY important to him and, as a result, lost a close relationship he once had with someone who used to be his best friend.
Isaac smiled when he thought about what life was like back when he and Taylor tore up the streets of Tulsa--and America--together back before they grew apart. Nobody could stop them. They got into mischief together, tag-teamed while picking up women, stood up for one another, stuck together through thick and thin...they were everything friendship and brotherhood was about. Until they grew apart. Until Taylor grew up. Until he bought his house and started delving into business projects and started getting more and more busy with the band. And Isaac should have been right there beside him. Instead, he chose to party on, do what he was told to do in regards to the band just to get by, and let himself go. He hadn't been happy for quite sometime and this was the first time he'd actually been able to pinpoint why.
It wasn't because of the loss of a woman. It was because of the loss of his brother. And he could have helped that, but he didn't. He'd chosen self-loathing and self-medicating instead.
And now here they were.
Sunday afternoon had him leaning against a kitchen counter, looking around. He felt relief. He felt hope. He finally felt like he was seeing a light and he WANTED to make amends. He wanted things to be right. He wanted his life back and he wanted himself, and everyone around him, to finally just be happy. And now that he felt like that might actually be possible, he decided to take the first step.
He called Winn.
He was shocked, but glad, that she answered. "Look, um, I know I'm probably the last person you want to see or hear from right now. And I understand that. I deserve it. But, uh, I was wondering if you'd like to come over for dinner one day next week. I think, um, I think we should talk."
To his amazement, and to the surprise of his nerves, she took him up on his offer. "Um, uh, yeah. That would, um...I could do that."
And...he was off. Isaac's nerves were shot. If she were coming over for a date or for sex or for anything romantic, he wouldn't think a thing of it. But apparently confessions, apologies, and blessings were a completely different animal. He'd never felt more discombobulated in his life.
By Sunday night, it had been a week and a half since Isaac's big fallout with Taylor. Since he'd had his heart broken by Winn. Since he'd felt like himself. In the past week he'd relapsed back into his old lifestyle, except this time it went beyond whiskey and women. It was after he'd stood up and looked at himself in the mirror after doing a line of coke in the men's restroom of a bar that he realized that he needed to get a grip on himself. He had come too far to be doing something as sleazy as snorting cocaine in a public restroom.
Now he sat at home in his usual spot in his black, leather armchair, swirling whiskey around in his glass as he stared at the wall, brooding, and feeling like he was back at square one. Knowing he was.
As he sat, trying to pinpoint the exact moment that it all went wrong, his phone rang. Oddly surprised at the caller, he answered.
"So. Interesting party last week," Kelsey Kennedy greeted him. "Very, uh, eventful..."
"Shit, Kels, I forgot you were there. I'm sorry."
"It's okay. You, uh, you had other things going on..."
"I'm a mess, Kels. I'm just--everything has gone to hell in a hand basket. It's like--like, I finally started to get a grasp on my life only for it to be just--wrong. I dunno, I just...I dunno..."
"Ike...I, um, I heard through the grapevine that someone saw you buying drugs..."
"Sometimes whiskey just doesn't cut it."
"That's not cool. It's not--it's not you. And I'm concerned."
"Careful. Last time someone was concerned, she fell in love with my brother. I'm running out of brothers, Kels. And I don't think Mac's your type."
"Stop being so vulgar," she snapped. "Don't forget who you're talking to here. You might be able to pull that shit with Winn or whoever else, but you sure as hell can't pull it with me."
Isaac was caught off guard and, as a reflex, he straightened up in his chair a little bit. Clearing his throat, he sought out his bearings. "Um, I'm, um, I'm sorry--"
"You know why I haven't been around much these past few years? Because I'm disappointed in you. You haven't been yourself in a really long time and that's a shame because the real you is a really great person. And I'm not the type to sit around and watch a person I care about self-destruct like you have been. If that's the life you want to lead, then I want no part in it."
"So then why are you around NOW?"
"Because you're still in there. Because when you brought that girl into my restaurant, I saw you for the first time in a very long time."
"Then why can't I keep her?" He said quietly. "Why can't I keep anyone?"
Kelsey let out a quiet breath. "Well, because, Ike, based on what you told me...it sounds like Taylor got there first. You said they were friends beforehand--"
"Yeah, but they weren't--I mean, I thought she liked me. I thought she--"
"I believe she did. I mean, I don't know her, I can only go by what I've witnessed. But regardless of the situation, you can't help who you fall in love with. You just--you just can't. But maybe--maybe deep down she always loved him and she didn't know it. She did try with you, Ike. I mean, you gotta give her that, right? She did try."
Isaac was quiet as he thought about what Kelsey said. Had Winn really tried? Had she--? A lump caught in his throat has he recalled everything she had ever said to him. The way she reassured him how good of a person he was. The way she told him she cared. The way she told him she believed in him. No one had ever said things like that to him before. It made him feel like he was somebody. Like he was important. Like he might actually be someone he could be proud of. "Can I trust her?" He found himself whispering into the phone.
"What?"
"Winn. Can I trust her? Did she lie to me?"
"I don't know," Kelsey said quietly. "I don't know her. I'm unfamiliar with the nature of your relationship."
"I don't know what to believe anymore. I don't know what's real or what's true. And--and maybe I'm guilty myself. You know? I did some fucked up shit, I--I kinda slept around on her. I didn't think I was serious about her in the beginning so I just--I kept being my normal, bastard self and--and so should I be upset that she and Tay slept together?"
"Well, he said they were drunk..."
"It was still a conscious decision, drunk or not."
"But you just said so yourself, you made a conscious decision to sleep around on her, so..."
"Our relationship was doomed from the beginning, wasn't it?"
"Ike, do you believe in fate?"
"I don't believe in anything. I mean, seriously, what's the point?"
"Well, I believe everything happens for a reason. And I just wonder--I mean maybe things didn't work out because--well, maybe there's something else out there for you. You know, close one door, open another..."
"This WAS my open door. And now my one open door is shut, too. Slammed. And locked."
"That's not true."
"I snorted cocaine in a men's bathroom, Kels. I even allowed someone to explain to me the benefits of heroin. I've hit rock bottom."
"Ike," she scolded gently. "You're better than that."
"I thought I was."
"You are. You know you are. I know you are. You know, this self-loathing isn't really getting you anywhere. Seriously. What is it getting you? You feel like shit, don't you? You're mad at yourself, you're mad at the world--over what? Something you can't control? Over a woman that you thought you loved--?"
"Hey--"
"I mean it. I know you. I think--I think maybe you fell in love with the idea. You know? Maybe the idea of settling down appealed to you and...and maybe one emotion got confused with the other."
"Are you trying to convince me that I don't love her?"
"Well--I mean, do you really? Why are you sitting here on the phone with me instead of chasing her down and telling her how you really feel? If you felt it, wouldn't you be doing that?"
Isaac sighed as he chewed on her words again. "I just--I mean, she just--and then Tay just--just swooped in..."
"I'm not gonna lie, Ike. That fight you started on New Year's--that looked painfully like a petty...I don't know, competition. It was so blatant, so--and the words that you exchanged with each other? Completely disrespectful. And you both should be ashamed of yourselves. Did you really love her? Or did you get caught up in 'who can do it better' with your brother? Because, from a third person point of view, that's what it looked like. And it was pathetic. And unbecoming of both of you. And the fact that that girl is being portrayed as nothing more than a pawn between you and him in the media--well, that's despicable. I think both of you owe her an apology, at least. And Taylor should be a lucky man if she actually IS in love with him. Because it doesn't sound like he deserves her, either."
"Why the hell did you call me, Kelsey? Did you call me to just kick me while I'm down, like everyone else is? Did you just HAVE to be one more person to drive home what a useless failure I am? Because I don't need that--"
"I called you to wake you the hell up. And invite you to participate in the world of the living. She didn't tell you you were a horrible, repulsive person, Isaac," she snapped all of a sudden. "She told you she was in love with your brother. And you're still alive, aren't you? And you're still you. So snap the fuck out of it already. I'm sick of this and I miss you!" And then she cleared her throat and her voice grew quiet. "Don't, um, I mean, stop letting your past get in the way of your future. Your life is what you make it."
Isaac's eyes widened and he blinked at the wall across from him. He thought about her words about love and settling down and...and fate and...and his head spun a little. Followed by the speeding of his heartbeat. And his eyes darted around the room in a fit of confusion and suddenly, he said to her, "You think you might want to go to dinner sometime?"
Kelsey scoffed. "Oh no, buddy. Not right now. I'm not one of THOSE ladies you can just wine and dine like that. Not gonna happen." Then she paused. "But, um, after you get things, you know, sorted out...give me a call. I'll probably be free for a night."
His breath caught in his throat and his brow furrowed at how startlingly willing he suddenly was to do what she said. And so he nodded into the phone. "Yeah. Uh, okay."
"Goodnight, Isaac. Go get some sleep. And flush whatever drugs are sitting in your pocket right now."
As he hung up the phone with her, he pressed his hand against his pocket, hearing the baggie containing a handful of pills crushing against his hand. And then he stood up, pulled them out of his pocket, and walked straight into his bathroom.
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Over the next week, Winn threw herself into her work and became obsessed with her body. She spent all her free time fighting nausea, quenching random cravings, and researching her pregnancy. She read everything she could find on every aspect of her pregnancy she could think of. She researched her body, her emotions, her baby's development, what was happening now and what she could expect soon. She read and reread everything and vowed to herself that she would know anything and everything that was going on with her baby and her body, even before any of it happened. Between that and work, she did everything she could to avoid thinking of Taylor at any cost.
Except that nothing worked. Unfortunately, absence made the heart grow fonder and she knew she loved him more every day. Allowing herself to feel it was becoming more painful than actually suppressing it.
By the following Saturday, after a much-needed successful week at work, it had been a week since her last phone conversation with Taylor. It killed her to sit there and keep her secret as she spoke to him, but she hadn't been ready to reveal it to anyone yet. She needed to process it herself. Now here it was, a week later, and still the only people who knew she was pregnant was her doctor and her supervisor. She knew she would have to tell her staff soon.
Despite trying to keep herself busy, and succumbing to fatigue amidst everything else, Winn was beginning to feel alone. True, she had shut herself off from the world, but here she was merely in her third week and she already didn't know how single women did it. She supposed she was about to get a crash course in the subject.
But for now, she needed to talk. And so she turned to the first person she could think of, and prayed that she wouldn't be judged.
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"Hello, this is my mommy's phone," Kate heard her daughter say. She hadn't even heard her phone ring. "Who is this?" And then Junia squealed. "REALLY? Are you coming to see me? Do you want to play Barbies with me? I can go set up their house right now!"
Kate smiled and shook her head. She knew that had to be Winn on the phone. Though, why was she calling her? She had to admit, things had felt slightly awkward after New Year's and she hadn't heard from Winn since before then...
After a moment, her daughter finally relinquished her phone and then raced for her bedroom. "Hello?" Kate answered.
"Hey, Kate. It's Winn. I, um, I hope it's not weird that I called but...I need to talk and I don't really have anyone else to turn to."
Kate's heart went out to Winn. She'd been thinking about her for awhile. She felt bad for not calling her. "Uh, yeah," she said. "Yeah, I'm here if you need me."
"Thanks," Winn said. "Do you, um, you think you might want to meet for lunch or something? Maybe tomorrow...?"
"I can actually meet you today if you're free. Zac's parents are taking the kids out today and I'm about to take them over there. You want to meet in a couple of hours?"
"Uh, yeah. Yeah, if you have the spare time."
A couple of hours later, the two women were sitting across from each other, a bowl of pasta in front of Winn and a salad in front of Kate. "That's kinda heavy for my kind of lunch," Kate smiled. "But you...you go right ahead with that."
Winn smiled as she twirled her pasta against her spoon. Kate sipped on her water and put it back down. "So, how are you?"
Winn let out a breath. "Um, I can't really describe it. Part of me feels like crap for--for breaking Ike's heart but the other part of me feels like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. But at the same time, I had some choices I needed to make and so I have no Tay, either, so. Right now I'm just coping with my own decisions. I can't--I mean, it's true. I do--I do love him, Kate. I do and that's the first time I've ever said it out loud. I am head over heels in love with that man but I can't--I couldn't even entertain the thought of being with him as long as he and Ike are at odds. It just--it wouldn't be right. You know?"
A smile flashed uncontrollably across Kate's face. "Well, to be honest, Winn, your being in love with Tay isn't really some huge secret. The truth is, we've all been sitting around playing the waiting game. Surely you've been feeling what we've all been seeing. Your chemistry is undeniable. The two of you are happy together. You belong together. And it's so obvious, too. I think--" Kate's eyes fell, barely able to say it. "I think even Ike knew it, too."
"And that's just it," Winn said. "I liked him. I really, really liked him. But he thinks I lied to him and strung him along and--and it wasn't like that."
Kate sighed and the put down her fork. She looked toward the ceiling in thought and she took a deep breath. "I feel--I feel responsible for Ike's...indiscretions. And I feel like...like you're stuck in this situation partially because of me. Did he--did he ever tell you what happened between us?"
"He, um, he wasn't specific..."
"It was a classic case of mixed signals. He and I were friends. We never dated, never kissed, or anything. We were just friends. And apparently he felt one way and I felt the other. And he and I were close, so when I met Zac through him it was love at first sight and I expected Ike to be happy for us. And when everything blew up is when I found out that he was reading more into the relationship than was actually there. I literally had no idea how he felt. And--and he harbored a lot of resentment for a long time. And I felt bad, but I couldn't punish myself or Zac for that. I couldn't help that I fell in love with Zac. And I couldn't help that Isaac fell in love with me. Sometimes you just--you just gotta live your life. And now I'm happy and I got three wonderful children out of it that I wouldn't trade for the world and Ike--well, he chose the path he chose. And I still feel a little bad about it to this day, and I keep having to remind myself that there was nothing I could do about that situation. I couldn't help it. And you can't help yours. Fate obviously has something else in store for Ike. And one of these days it'll happen for him. But we just have to--we have to continue to love and care about him anyway. Because that's what family does. And I don't know about anyone else, but--but I kinda consider you family. And maybe it's Junie rubbing off on me or something, I don't know, but I've kinda rooted for you and Tay all this time. And I kinda hope it works out because I wouldn't mind having you as a sister."
Winn smiled and then she frowned again as she put down her fork and laid her hands in her lap. "Well, um...you might get your wish...except not in the way you think..." She looked up at Kate. "I called you because I need to tell you something and I hope that you won't judge me. Um, nobody else really knows and I--I don't really know who else to talk to right now..."
"It's okay," Kate said gently. "I'm not here to judge you. I promise."
"Kate, I'm--" And then Winn looked around and lowered her voice. "I'm pregnant. I, um, I just found out last week."
"Oh. Oh, wow, Winn, that's...congratulations. I think. You're gonna--you're gonna..."
Winn nodded. "I'm gonna keep it, yes."
"Good. Um, so...so Junia will..."
"Have a cousin. Yes. Yes, she will."
Kate looked around in thought, trying hard to process the news and trying to find the right words without sounding offensive. "So, um, do you--do you know who--?"
Winn nodded again. "Yeah. Yeah, I know. That's, um, something I'm choosing to keep to myself right now, while I--while I process...everything..."
"Well, um, Winn, pregnancy is a, uh, it's a time-sensitive subject."
"I know."
"And it won't be a secret for long."
"I know. Kate, please. Don't tell Zac. I know he's your husband and you probably share everything but, please. Don't tell him. I--not before I tell...tell the baby's father myself. Please?"
Kate was dying. It was all she could do right this second not to pick up her phone and text the whole thing to her husband. But she took in a breath and she stood her ground and she agreed. "I promise," she said. "It's not my place to share the news anyway."
"Thank you. I just--I'm trying to process this and--and trying to figure out how to be a single mother and juggle work--"
Kate reached her hand across the table and placed it over Winn's. "Winn, no matter who the father is, I know both of these men. And neither one of them would let you be a single mother. They may be two very different people, but their values and their morals are all very much the same. Whichever one the father is, he'll do the right thing."
"I don't doubt that," Winn replied meekly. "But I can't be responsible for creating more tension and more resentment--"
"It takes two to make a baby."
"I know, but--I've been doing some thinking. I'm--I'm gonna talk to my mom, but--but I'm thinking of selling my house and moving back home. My family is there. I have a support system there--"
"You have a support system here, too."
"Sure. The baby will have a support system. But you and I both know that it'll come with the eyes of judgment. That everyone's going to think I'm a two-timer and even if the situation were explained, nobody will see it the way it actually happened. And--and I'll never be forgiven. For anything. I can just see it now, Kate. Your situation was easy to deal with. You never formed a romantic relationship with Ike..."
"With all due respect, Winn, I think you believe everyone is judging you because you're judging yourself. Nobody's judging you, I can promise you that. And you just--I'm not sure running out of town with this baby is the best idea."
"I've caused way too much trouble already. I won't--I won't deny the father's rights by any means, but--but I think everyone would be better off if I just went back to Texas. I don't--I don't see me here, working across the street from that studio, juggling work and daycare and--and being a single mother. I really think I'd be better off closer to my family. I mean, it's not--it's not set in stone yet. But that's what I'm thinking about."
"I--I wish you would try to be a little more positive about this. I'd hate to see you go. And if I have to throw a guilt trip or two on you, Junia would be devastated if you moved away. She doesn't even see you enough as it is, she still talks about you all the time."
Winn smiled. "Well played, there. Well played."
Kate smiled back. "I'll do whatever it takes." Then her smile faded. "You have to tell him. Whoever the father is, you have to tell him."
"I know."
"And it'll be okay. And if you want, I'll even sit there and hold your hand while you do it. Whatever you need. I want you to know you have a friend in me. I'm on your side, I support you. Okay?"
"That means a lot to me. You just--you just don't know. Thank you."
Kate left their lunch date with mixed emotions. Naturally, she was thrilled that Winn was pregnant. The anticipation of a new baby gave her a bit of baby fever herself, even though she knew Zac wouldn't go for having another one. Three was his limit. And then thinking about Zac, she knew she had to go home and act normal like she didn't have a secret from him. None at all. Her only saving grace was that she was honoring her friend's wishes and at least the secret wasn't her own.
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Isaac spent the next week after his conversation with Kelsey with his head in the clouds. He thought about everything. He mulled about everything. When he wasn't in tense rehearsals with his brothers, he was digging deep and doing some soul-searching that had apparently needed to be done ages ago.
The first thing he did was pour out every drop of alcohol he had in his apartment. This didn't mean that he would never drink again, but for the moment, all it did was remind him of the lifestyle he wanted to rid himself of. Kelsey was right. It was time to stop letting his past dictate his future. If that meant being sober for awhile, well, he'd at least try it and see where it got him.
Then he thought about Winn. He'd done a lot of thinking about Winn and their relationship. And then he thought about her relationship with Taylor which, in turn, led him to think about Taylor. The truth was, he missed his brother. And he hadn't been a very good brother to him in regards to Winn. He should have backed off of Winn when he found out Taylor was interested. He should have left it alone. Except that he was selfish and only interested in self-gratification--which, ultimately, was what was wrong with his and Taylor's relationship to begin with. Over the past few years, Isaac had decided that he didn't have time for Taylor because Taylor didn't fit into his lifestyle. And now Isaac felt like a bastard because, in all honesty, Taylor WAS his lifestyle. He was his brother and his band mate and his business partner and he'd allowed himself to lose sight of what was REALLY important to him and, as a result, lost a close relationship he once had with someone who used to be his best friend.
Isaac smiled when he thought about what life was like back when he and Taylor tore up the streets of Tulsa--and America--together back before they grew apart. Nobody could stop them. They got into mischief together, tag-teamed while picking up women, stood up for one another, stuck together through thick and thin...they were everything friendship and brotherhood was about. Until they grew apart. Until Taylor grew up. Until he bought his house and started delving into business projects and started getting more and more busy with the band. And Isaac should have been right there beside him. Instead, he chose to party on, do what he was told to do in regards to the band just to get by, and let himself go. He hadn't been happy for quite sometime and this was the first time he'd actually been able to pinpoint why.
It wasn't because of the loss of a woman. It was because of the loss of his brother. And he could have helped that, but he didn't. He'd chosen self-loathing and self-medicating instead.
And now here they were.
Sunday afternoon had him leaning against a kitchen counter, looking around. He felt relief. He felt hope. He finally felt like he was seeing a light and he WANTED to make amends. He wanted things to be right. He wanted his life back and he wanted himself, and everyone around him, to finally just be happy. And now that he felt like that might actually be possible, he decided to take the first step.
He called Winn.
He was shocked, but glad, that she answered. "Look, um, I know I'm probably the last person you want to see or hear from right now. And I understand that. I deserve it. But, uh, I was wondering if you'd like to come over for dinner one day next week. I think, um, I think we should talk."
To his amazement, and to the surprise of his nerves, she took him up on his offer. "Um, uh, yeah. That would, um...I could do that."
And...he was off. Isaac's nerves were shot. If she were coming over for a date or for sex or for anything romantic, he wouldn't think a thing of it. But apparently confessions, apologies, and blessings were a completely different animal. He'd never felt more discombobulated in his life.